I was speaking with a friend today about my BJJ journey. They told me because of my defensive nature it is bogging me down on what I am able to do.
On Monday I mentioned to them that I spoke to my coach about what I felt. I asked them if they thought in progressing. They replied they thought I want opening up and that I was always on my knees. My base is strong however they also mentioned I am a very defensive grappler.
So last night they paid some attention to me while I rolled. I ended at the bottom on one occasion so he says "open up". I was confused what they meant. The guy was attacking me from the top trying to secure an arm bar. I could tell what he was doing so I defended their move. 
I pushed into them and scrambled as they became of balanced. He nods at me for the scramble and this took alot of energy, sapping me. Because of this my movement slowed down and I thought I just wasted energy pushing them of into a scramble. But at the same time I sort of understand by what they meant by opening up. 
It's to use tonnes of energy with the hopes of getting something from a scramble. In the gym/dojo they want me to exert as much force as possible and to be cautious only when I am in a tournament/competition.
My friend after hearing me. Agreed that what I'm being told is correct and I should stop trying to be tough by fighting hard against getting choked out or more precisely getting tapped out.
They mentioned I should bait. I answered I do bait but they don't take it. Again they say it's because I'm trying to be tough. The bottom of me being in my forties and not getting tapped is my weakness. 
I am not confused. But I do doubt sometimes because what they both tell me is that I should allow myself to be vulnerable. 
I admit I'm a very defensive grappler and are very meticulous when I move. Only doing so when I know the outcome to the move is what I had worked slowly to achieve, with control and precise movements. 
The times in the past where I'd been just letting things happen, being vulnerable I had my right elbow dislocated. And now cause me discomfort outside and inside the mats. My left ankle popped beginning of this year and that took a lot out of my training. 
I tell them this is why I'm very careful and cautious. My friend says just tap early. 
In my head I shrug because he reckons I fight my way out of positions where they would've tapped. When I think back to ask the times I've rolled with them and they caught me in something and I fight my way out of it, I didn't tap because to me I felt no pain, no discomfort and no threat to an injury.
And in those times where I've caught them. They refused to tap even when I can see them turn blue, so I pull back and release the choke.
Sometimes I feel misunderstood and other times I feel like I'm wrong.
Gosh this mountain path up it, sure it's long and steep on some parts. <br/> _This report was published via Actifit app ([Android](https://bit.ly/actifit-app) | [iOS](https://bit.ly/actifit-ios)). Check out the original version [here on actifit.io](https://actifit.io/@akumagai/actifit-akumagai-20201126t113859695z)_ <br/> <br><img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmXv9QWiAYiLCSr3sKxVzUJVrgin3ZZWM2CExEo3fd5GUS/sep3.png"><br><table>	<tr>		<img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmRgAoqi4vUVymaro8hXdRraNX6LHkXhMRBZxEo5vVWXDN/ACTIVITYCOUNT.png">	</tr>	<tr>		<div class="text-center"><b>12899</b></div>	</tr></table><table>	<tr>		<img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmZ6ZT8VaEpaDzB16qZzK8omffbWUpEpe4BkJkMXmN3xrF/ACTIVITYTYPE.png">	</tr>	<tr>		<div class="text-center"><pre><b>Martial Arts</b></div></pre></div>	</tr></table><table>	<tr>		<img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmdnh1nApZieHZ3s1fEhCALDjnzytFwo78zbAY5CLUMpoG/TRACKM.png">		<td><div class="text-center"><div class="phishy"><h6>Height</h6></div>			<h6>180.3 cm</h6></div></td>		<td><img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmfSsFiXem7AxWG1NCiYYPAjtT4Y7LR8FsXpfsZQe7XqPC/h1.png"></td>		<td><div class="text-center"><div class="phishy"><h6>Weight</h6></div>			<h6>73.5 kg</h6></div></td>		<td><img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmVqJVEWUwicFRtkEz2WYq2mDH61mQLDsrzN1yBrKLrpyZ/w1a.png"></td>		<td><div class="text-center"><div class="phishy"><h6>Body Fat</h6></div>			<h6> %</h6></div></td>		<td><img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmPJ2Vvi3mBQXKHoy5CTG7fyLFWMG8JaAZ8y1XZFeDkRUC/bd1.png"></td>	</tr> 	<tr>		<td><div class="text-center"><div class="phishy"><h6>Waist</h6></div></div>			<div class="text-center"><h6> cm</h6></div></td>		<td><img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmZ2Lfwg77FLaf3YpU1VPLsJvnBt1F8DG8y6t6xUAKnsYq/w1.png"></td>		<td><div class="text-center"><div class="phishy"><h6>Thighs</h6></div></div>			<div class="text-center"><h6> cm</h6></div></td>		<td><img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmbbAAFy6hwwBWqtSmcSwosTyNZi9rcd6GNeugQRY9MF1h/t1.png"></td>		<td><div class="text-center"><div class="phishy"><h6>Chest</h6></div></div>			<div class="text-center"><h6> cm</h6></div></td>		<td><img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmbaoNBT5Unnjqh8JgP6TPj4mFKFnyKkLgP6eDYnnkiLkB/c1.png"></td>	</tr></table><div class="text-center"><img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmVD3pXR4EHzYeCapMNSanTeK9wGJeJ24XYJhZSUmjJReR/A-11.png"><a href="https://bit.ly/actifit-app"><img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmQqfpSmcQtfrHAtzfBtVccXwUL9vKNgZJ2j93m8WNjizw/l5.png"></a><a href="https://bit.ly/actifit-ios"><img src="https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmbWy8KzKT1UvCvznUTaFPw6wBUcyLtBT5XL9wdbB7Hfmn/l6.png"></a></div>