Dear Amanda. I hope you're doing as good as possible wherever you are.
I've been doing a lot better these days and I'm pretty sure that would make you happy to know.
I've been doing a good job of loving and forgiving myself more which has lead to loving and forgiving others more which has led to a much greater peace of mind and ability to operate in this world and continue.
Sorry it took me so long, I tend to hold on too tight... But, I'm learning more how to let go... And, I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of the good memories of you... Though, I have been letting go of a lot of the pain and it's difficult because part of me feels like I should suffer forever... Yet... The part that is working on self love and forgiveness feels differently and that's a relief because it was extremely debilitating before and that's no way to live.
Sometimes I still think of you and get sad and cry... But, I'm not sure what else I can do at this point other than to try to love and forgive myself and everyone else.
I still hold out hope that one day I'll manage to somehow find a time machine or some other way to go back in time and change things, though that seems very unlikely.
My OCD has been improving, it still bothers me... But, I keep learning and improving in small ways and it's adding up to the point that I feel proud of myself and optimistic towards making even more progress!
Also my health in general has been improving a lot since I got sick, I don't know how much I weighed before since I hadn't weighed myself in years... Though, I'm back up to 155 now and we were guessing that maybe I weighed 160 before... If so, I'm really close to where I used to be! Hoping to go even higher though up to 185 or more where I used to be when I was lifting weights and doing martial arts.
I'm sure you're probably busy, but I hope you check in and look over me sometimes and see what I've been up to.
I have a feeling you would really appreciate some of this stuff and it's going to be quite a gift to share! <3
Also, I have been noticing a lot more synchronicities in recent times! So... I have a feeling you are indeed checking up on me from time to time. :)
There's so many butterflies out right now! It's lovely. Plus, it's finally starting to cool down and I'm really excited about the work I'm going to be doing soon.
The world is still pretty crazy with all the covid-19 and governments trying to excessively control people and deprive them of their basic freedoms and I don't know what's going to happen...
Every time in the past that I said I thought thing were going to get better it got worse, so... I'm hesitant to try to predict what's going to happen too much...
I'm hopeful, but also worried. Quite crazy and uncertain times...
Yet... I try to remind myself to be grateful for the simple things and that helps a lot!
A nice cool breeze, the rain, sunrises and sunsets, music, good food, family, friends, stars, the moon/sun, dirt and rocks and mountains and... On and on and on, there's so many things to be grateful for if we try and I'm sure you're well aware of that as I learned some of this from you!
I remember reading your blog and seeing you talk about how much watching the clouds float by meant to you or seeing a flower grow... What a treasure it is to be able to deeply appreciate such things! I think that's one of the "secrets"of life so to speak.
I do think all those "negative" sorts of emotions are important and shouldn't be suppressed or repressed and that they help to warn and alert us among other things, though... It sure is nice to open more up to love and not be so scared and stressed out as I was.
I still feel bad and guilty sometimes that I wasn't able to do more... But, I try to remind myself to forgive myself and that I didn't know the future and I shouldn't punish myself so much for what I didn't know.
Plus... If I can love and forgive everyone else of everything, then I should be able to love and forgive myself too.
I'm doing my best... So glad I got to meet you and share some time and conversations with you and I look forward to seeing more synchronicities and eventually meeting you again when it's time and if it's possible.
Much love always. Bye until next time my friend. <3
PS, the picture I included looks like a heart shaped rock to me... It's the middle rock and I know it's a bit off and the bottom is going off to an angle, but it still looks pretty close to a heart shaped rock to me!
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