I've been learning some interesting things lately... And, one of the things that's on my mind is about prenatal trauma or childhood trauma... At first I just didn't understand how someone could sort of go back in time and heal something that happened when they were a child or especially in the womb and now I'm more open minded to it.

Without going into too much detail I remember when I was a little kid and my mother left my father and me numerous times and I was too young to understand, but... I was so hurt over it that I punched and kneed numerous holes into the walls of my room and using this Brainspotting technique I went back to some of those memories and told my child self that I love him and that it wasn't his fault...

And, I also told my hurt inner child that I was too young to understand what was going on and that I should love myself no matter what anyone elses does and... It's hard to explain or put to words, but I felt some really powerful feelings and it made me cry a bit and I doubt it's 100% fully resolved, though it did feel like it helped.

Not to go too far off in another direction, yet real quick I do think that's one reason I've struggled so much with finding romantic love in my adult life because I have these deep unresolved thoughts and feelings stored of "abandonment".

Some of this kinda stuff weirds me out and makes me think of Freudian type of stuff, but... Every time that a woman I fell in love with abandoned me I think maybe that brought back memories of being abandoned as a child and when I was depressed I felt like "everyone" abandoned me at times...

Going even further back to the womb it's hard for me to explore that because I don't remember it... But, I talked to my mom about it and she told me that I was an "accident" and when she was pregnant it was very stressful for her because my father didn't want me since he felt like he couldn't afford to take care of me.

And... That made my mom really sad and they probably argued and fought and I think maybe some of that also affected and influenced my psychology in later years. (Not to mention all the times they fought when I was growing up and would be yelling and screaming and slamming doors and things like that...)

Was really challenging for me to understand how that could translate into my adult psyche until I learned about something called... I think "Co-regulation"?

Apparently when one is very young or a baby or in the womb they are underdeveloped or not developed enough yet to have their own emotional understanding and so they kind of "share" it with the mother or whoever is closest to them. 

For example, when a baby starts crying and someone picks them up and holds them softly to their chest and rocks back and forth and maybe hums a little song or something that helps the baby to "synch" with the calmness of the person holding them.

The scientists who I'm learning this information from claim that this can actually contribute to people searching out romantic partners who have a similar emotional state as their mother did. 

So, like... If someone had a sad mother someone might look for sadness in a romantic partner and if they had an angry mother they might look for someone who is angry in their romantic partner... 

I know I know! It's weird. Though, also very interesting and it really makes me wonder about a lot of things... Now the term "Trauma bond" takes on a whole new meaning for me.

I've made incredible progress in the last few years with being more kind with my words and being more peaceful and loving thanks to studying non-violent communication and other subjects, however... I still get angry sometimes and say mean things sometimes and learning about this makes me want to be even more calm and peaceful especially if I ever have a family because I don't want to cause such kinds of harm to them.

Also, just in general... I imagine that you can create these kinds of trauma in other people even if they are older or you can add to the trauma wounds they already have and I don't wanna do that...

I'm going to try even more diligently now to be even more kind with my words because if I'm ever lucky enough to meet a woman in a romantic sense and have a child, I don't want to psychologically injure either of them by saying mean things!

The scientists went on to claim that these kinds of trauma can be stored in the body and that they actually found some of these places in the cells where they could "hear" the voices associated with such and that they are sort of "stored" in crystals inside the cells.

Which is unbelievably fascinating to me considering so much of what I've been learning the last couple of years... And it makes a lot of sense because crystals can store information and that's how we send pictures and video and "audio" through the internet to each other through crystals.

So, I've been working on trying to find trauma from earlier in my life and to change the associations with those crystals from negative feelings to more positive ones.

And as wild and crazy as all this sounds it's giving me some hope that I might be able to cure my OCD and other psychological issues.

Learning about this is helping me to be even more compassionate and understanding because I think most people are walking around with all kinds of unresolved pain and traumas that they don't even know about!
 
In fact, in the book I read they claim that essentially "everyone" has schizophrenic voices similar to how scientists claim that everyone has intrusive thoughts related to OCD, it's just that most people find ways to ignore the voices or not get stuck on those voices and they let them go while people with schizophrenia or OCD get stuck listening to the voices or looping those thoughts over and over again, I'll include a quote below I found intriguing.

"Background thoughts (as heard during meditation) are in most cases caused by the same problem that causes the 'voices' that schizophrenics hear. The difference between a typical person and one who hears 'voices' is in most cases simply a matter of loss of the ability to mute the internal chatter."

I read on their YouTube channel that OCD voices or thoughts might be different than the schizophrenic type, however there are OCD treatment techniques which are similar to what they advocate which try to teach people to change the "associations" they have.

For example if you fear not locking the door or turning the oven off or washing your hands or whatever for whatever reason then you try to replace that fear with excitement or happiness. 
Easier said than done for sure, but... I think it might work if I keep working at it and keep trying!

It feels good to have some hope and that I'm making progress with some of these things and sometimes I can see myself without OCD and how amazing life would be if I could just get over these fears... I feel like there's an incredibly beautiful life waiting for me if I can just overcome some of these problems, yet... Even if I can't I'm still so grateful just to be alive every single day. <3 

Also, will include a link below for anyone curious to learn more. 

PS... The author of the book and the foundation claims they have not had much success in getting hospitals or the "medical authorities" to use these techniques as they are too heavily focused on "drugs/pharmaceuticals" and I'm a lil confused by that cause you think they would show interest if it was legit science, yet... The mainstream medical industry is incredibly corrupt so I guess I'm not surprised if that is true.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4PCdAH26iM

![299187242_1747978825568396_3427057772856347282_n.jpg](https://images.hive.blog/DQmUuFqrsbUeVxMN3u7LAFqvR8TeqP54b88X3iiMfmbz6TV/299187242_1747978825568396_3427057772856347282_n.jpg) (Doubt anyone owns the rights to this meme but just wanna be clear that I don't and that I'm sharing it in a fair use educational sense)