I don't like to share stuff about my personal life, but sometimes I just need to. In fact, I've said almost the same thing when I wrote my [previous post](https://steemit.com/blog/@daan/the-future-is-looking-bright-finally-personal-blog-story) about some personal issues. If I don't talk about these difficult topics, I would never get over them. So today, I'm reluctantly sharing my experiences with self-harm, in a last-ditch effort to get over them. 

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<center>https://i.imgur.com/JPrEhsE.jpg</center><center>*Source: by [Wokandapix](https://pixabay.com/en/users/Wokandapix-614097/) released on [Pixabay](https://pixabay.com/en/urban-lost-hiding-afraid-998216/)*</center>

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# Back-Story
If you have read my [previous personal blog post](https://steemit.com/blog/@daan/the-future-is-looking-bright-finally-personal-blog-story), you've noticed that I've left a certain part of my traumatic experience open to interpretation. I think it's best to explain it further, even if it's a taboo subject. 

Here's a quote from my previous post that explains it:
> I would say that up until recently, I've struggled a lot in life. Partially due to fault of my own, but also due to tragic, unforeseen circumstances. In my early childhood years I suffered from a trauma that extended over a prolonged period of time. -- @daan - [Previous Personal Blog](https://steemit.com/blog/@daan/the-future-is-looking-bright-finally-personal-blog-story)

Fuck, I don't want to talk in-depth about my trauma, but I don't see any other way to fully explain the situation. From age 5 to 7, I was sexually abused by my grandmother. The reason why she did this, was because she thought I was gay and that was her way of trying to fix this. I really don't want to write another word about this.

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<center>https://i.imgur.com/OKOqhq9l.jpg</center><center> *Source: Personal Picture, really, don't do this to yourself!*</center>

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# Why I Started Self-Harming
Most people think of self-harming as a cry for attention, at least that's my experience when I've ever heard someone talk about this subject. Maybe that's part of the reason (the cry for attention) why I did it, but definitely not the main reason. It gave me a release from all the bad stuff that was going on in my mind. Kind of a similar effect as what drugs does, only this was meant to punish myself. 

I saw myself as someone who didn't deserve to live, because I was different, not normal. The pain gave me a quick release from reality, just enough to keep on going for a little bit longer. I know this might sound a bit contradictory, I was hurting myself because I felt I was unworthy to live, while also doing it, to be able to live. 

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# Regret
I've 'only' self-harmed for a short period, but the scars are still visible. Every summer, I feel this immense regret that I've done it in the first place. I wish I would have come clean (about the abuse) earlier, told my mom about what happened. It was never the right time, then it was too late. I still deeply regret not telling my mom about this before she passed away. She always knew something wasn't right, I was just too afraid to tell her. 

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<center>https://i.imgur.com/3Fn2THnl.jpg</center><center>Source: *Personal Picture, no, that birthmark isn't cancer*</center>

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# Getting Over It? 
I've told a few close friends about the fact that I have numerous self-harm scars on my arms, but I'm still scared to go out in public without long sleeves. Sometimes I do go out with a T-shirt, but I turn my head down whenever I feel someone's looking at my arms. 

I'm glad that I still dare to go out wearing just a T-shirt (and pants ofc :P ). Sometimes I just don't care and look people straight in the eye when they've noticed my scars. I just have to keep in mind that I don't owe an explanation to everybody and that I shouldn't care too much about what other people think. 

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# Reasons for Making This Post
I'm going to tell you straight away that I've written this blog post for selfish reasons, I just want to come clean. I'm sick and tired of hiding every aspect of my life, just because it's so terrible. I really do hope this post might be a certain kind of trigger for some people to do the same, but if not, I don't care! 

Nah, I do do care a little bit. If you're in a similar situation, it's always best to try and talk about it with people you trust. Most people are more understanding than you would expect ;-)! 

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### As weird as it sounds, I somewhat enjoyed writing this post. Glad to get everything out in the open. I hope we'll get some meaningful discussion in the comments. If not, I hope this post might be useful to someone who's going through a similar situation... 

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