<html> <p>When I was a young kid, growing up with my family in my native Denmark, my Godfather from New York once came to visit. "Uncle Victor" was an insurance executive-- CEO of the Continental Insurance Corporation and a man of great influence and power. </p> <p>I was maybe six or seven at the time.</p> <p><img src="https://i.imgsafe.org/0b56d7a00c.jpg" width="900" height="553"/></p> <p>During his visit, he seemed to grow somewhat distressed and frustrated with my quiet and soft-spoken demeanor... and insisted on trying to teach me how to<em> "stand tall, look 'em in the eye and tell 'em what you know."</em> </p> <p>45 years later, I have not forgotten his words... although at the time I pulled my mother aside and quietly declared him a <em>"very rude man."</em> </p> <p>I'l be the first to admit that standing up for ourselves and what we believe in is generally a positive characteristic. It keeps us (generally) from getting "used" by others, or being manipulated, or generally pushed into things we'd rather not be part of. A measure of assertiveness basically means we have good and healthy personal boundaries. </p> <p>In addition, there are many cultures in which those who are perceived as "too passive" are also judged negatively as "weak" or "doormats" others can (and should?) walk all over.</p> <p><img src="https://i.imgsafe.org/0b56f5b32a.jpg" width="1089" height="711"/></p> <p>What refreshened the memory of Uncle Victor's visit and lessons was basically one of the eternal political "discussions" we see a lot of, these days.</p> <p>From my vantage point, these are not even discussions because they seem to be more concerned with who is <em>louder</em> and more abrasive, than who is <em>right</em>. Little is actually solved, and many come away with some combination of hurt feelings and rage. It also appears that <em>"being right"</em> is more important than <em>"making a point."</em></p> <p>Seems to me there's a distinct difference between healthy assertiveness and outright aggressive abrasiveness.</p> <p>I am sure you have met a few people who come across as "larger than life" and constantly seem to feel the need to <em>prove</em> it. No matter <em>what</em> is said, these people insist they are <em>"the biggest and the best"</em> and sometimes it feels like <em>EVERYTHING</em> must revolve around <em>their</em> opinion and <em>their</em> expertise. They waste no time letting the world know what <em>they</em> want and believe... and give very little time to any opinions not aligned with their own. </p> <p>In some cases, they will even put you down for having a different opinion; perhaps with a phrase like <em>"Only IDIOTS believe that!"</em> or "you have to be STUPID to think that's a good product." Often, they will battle on to defend their point of view even if they are factually wrong, because <em>"winning"</em> is more important than <em>"resolution."</em></p> <p>Of course, those are extreme examples, but fairly typical of the way overly assertive people turn out to be more <em>abrasive</em> than anything else.</p> <p><img src="https://i.imgsafe.org/0b570ae23d.jpg" width="1000" height="556"/></p> <h2>Healthy Boundaries</h2> <p>So where do you draw the line? </p> <p>When does merely "assertive" and standing up for yourself become "aggressive" and "abrasive" and more than a little annoying? </p> <p>If you think about people you've met, there have probably been a few who not only held very strong to their opinions, but became almost hysterical in their efforts to defend their viewpoint. Yet if you ask them, they'll probably insist that they are merely "defending" their opinion. Others seem to rather forcefully barge in and "take over" projects and discussions.</p> <p>Healthy boundaries means you know who you are and where you stand. However, your sense of self-- and what you believe to be right-- is not contingent on your being able to buffalo others into holding the same opinion. Nothing wrong with trying to persuade them... but no reason to beat the metaphorical dead horse.</p> <p>What's YOUR opinion? Are "aggressive" people merely trying to be "leaders?" Or is it situational... and the ultimate answer is <em>"it depends?"</em> Think, for example, of the military drill sargeant who is<em> paid</em> to be aggressive and "in your face." What do you think? When does "assertive" become annoyingly "abrasive?" </p> </html>
| author | denmarkguy |
|---|---|
| permlink | sunday-musings-abrasiveness-is-not-assertiveness |
| category | blog |
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"If you think about people you've met, there have probably been a few who not only held very strong to their opinions, but became almost hysterical in their efforts to defend their viewpoint. " Haha this is hilarious when it happens. I seem to attract very opinionated people into my life, and lord knows how many times I have pissed them off by simply laughing at how strongly they are arguing for something. On a serious note, I do believe that being assertive must have a functional benefit - abrasiveness has an emotional benefit. Simply looking someone in the eye is enough to tell which one it is ;)
| author | claritypavilion |
|---|---|
| permlink | re-denmarkguy-sunday-musings-abrasiveness-is-not-assertiveness-20170213t051045089z |
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Excellent post.
| author | coldmonkey |
|---|---|
| permlink | re-denmarkguy-sunday-musings-abrasiveness-is-not-assertiveness-2017212t195547553z |
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Thank you!
| author | denmarkguy |
|---|---|
| permlink | re-coldmonkey-re-denmarkguy-sunday-musings-abrasiveness-is-not-assertiveness-2017212t195547553z-20170212t204712899z |
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