Thoughts about RECIPROCITY, Entitlement and "Giving to Get" by denmarkguy

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psychology · @denmarkguy · Jan 25 '18

$23.56

Thoughts about RECIPROCITY, Entitlement and "Giving to Get"

<html>
<p><em><strong>"Reciprocity."</strong></em></p>
<p>It's one of those popular buzzwords of our times; it gets thrown around a lot by the über-spiritual crowd, typically in connection with finding meaning, enlightenment and other rather nebulous things.</p>
<p>
<div class="pull-right">
<p><img src="https://i.imgur.com/L9HRZjR.jpg" alt="Swallowtail" /><br />
<em>Swallowtail butterfly on lavender</em></p>
</div>
</p>
<p>I happen to believe in reciprocity-- I think it's a pretty nifty thing.</p>
<p>The thing that tends to get more than a few people's hackles up is the fact that I also believe "<em>reciprocity</em>" is a <em>natural</em> thing. It just happens... or not. You can't "<em>manufacture</em>" it, "<em>provoke</em>" it or "<em>demand</em>" it.&nbsp;</p>
<p>A lot of folks take issue with that and set off on a long song and dance routine about what we have the "<em>right to expect</em>" in life. Then they start quoting "<em>The Law of Attraction</em>" and <em>the Teachings of Abraham</em> at me.... and we're off to the races.</p>
<h2><em>I'm Calling Bullshit on That!</em></h2>
<p>I'm sorry folks, we don't have the "<em>right</em>" to expect diddly-squat from any<em>one</em> or any<em>where</em>.</p>
<p>
<div class="pull-left">
<p><img src="https://i.imgur.com/PaJeAFu.jpg" alt="Sunset" /><br />
<em>Flowers in the evening light</em></p>
</div>
</p>
<p>There's no Cosmic Fed-Ex Truck that's suddenly going to dump your perfect existence in the driveway, simply because you had a thought to that effect. Or because some $299.00 CD set you got from Oprah's Book Club insinuated that you <em>might</em>.&nbsp;</p>
<p>In fact, that just sounds like so much "<em>entitlement</em>" to me, and goodness knows we live in a world permeated by an ever denser sense of entitlement. I look around me, and I see all these people who believe they are <em>entitled</em> to something<em> (usually involving "special" treatment and rewards)</em> simply for showing up and breathing the air.&nbsp;</p>
<p>People stand there "<em>expecting,</em>" and all I want to do is ask is "<em>pardon me, but what exactly are you GIVING to the world?</em>" Usually, just a lot of hot air and fluffery, along with grand tales of greatness it's typically impossible to verify.</p>
<p>Here's a radical thought for you: Why don't you try providing something <em>worthwhile</em> to the world? Something that's actually <em>of value</em>?</p>
<p><em>That's</em> when the idea of reciprocity might actually kick in. Particularly if you just go about being worthwhile without any expectations that people or "The Universe" <em>should</em> reward you for doing so.</p>
<p>As of late, I have started writing more about the Human Condition and life and psychology again... including pieces on "<a href="https://steemit.com/society/@denmarkguy/virtue-signaling-and-social-justice-warriors-not-exactly-new-concepts"><strong>Virtue Signaling</strong></a>" and living "<a href="https://steemit.com/truth/@denmarkguy/don-t-tell-me-who-you-are-and-what-you-do-show-me"><strong>by deeds, rather than words.</strong></a>" I believe there are some important dialogues to be had, if we're ever to move towards a better world.</p>
<h2><em>It's not Just About Money</em></h2>
<p>People often mistake the idea of reciprocity with getting paid for something.</p>
<p>
<div class="pull-right">
<p><img src="https://i.imgur.com/25N6lsr.jpg" alt="Buddha" /><br />
<em>Uber spiritual?</em></p>
</div>
</p>
<p>Without doubt, providing a product or service and getting paid for it is <em>a form of reciprocity</em>. But reciprocity is often non-monetary.&nbsp;</p>
<p>Reciprocity is the artist whose work we have at our gallery, whose name we submitted to a "<em>recycled art</em>" exhibition <em>(which was of zero benefit to us)</em>... and the artist, in turn, sent us a box of home made cookies. We didn't <em>have to</em> submit their name; we expected to derive <em>no benefit</em>, and the artist in no way was under obligation or expectation to bake us cookies.</p>
<p>In its purest form, an excellent example of reciprocity.</p>
<p>Reciprocity tends to kick in when you simply do things because they are--<em> in your heart and soul</em>-- representation of "<em>right action</em>."</p>
<h2><em>Meanwhile, There's the Enneagram (Non-Sequitur)</em></h2>
<p>Many years ago, I studied the Enneagram, sometimes known as "<em>The Enneagram of Personality.</em>" It's basically a personality profiling system, except more complex than that. But that's not what this post is about.</p>
<p>
<div class="pull-left">
<p><img src="https://i.imgur.com/OPpcIMv.jpg" alt="Lavender" /><br />
<em>Blooming lavender</em></p>
</div>
</p>
<p>However, I was recently reminded of an old description of "<em>the unhealthy enneagram type two</em>" description... and how well it fits a large segment of society: People who engage in a toxic and often self-destructive form of "giving to get" that's ultimately little more than selflessness thinly disguised as entitlement:&nbsp;</p>
<p>"Because I so selflessly <em>("Look everyone, how selfless I am!!")</em> gave of myself, I am expecting great things from the Universe!"</p>
<p>GAAACK!</p>
<p>Let's get back to providing something of value, for a moment. Did you actually provide something<em> the recipient truly wanted</em>... or did you provide something that would either (a) make YOU look good or (b) would provide you with the greatest "<em>reciprocal</em>" reward?</p>
<p>That's not <em>really</em> what reciprocity is about, is it?</p>
<h2><em>The Deeper Power Behind Giving Freely</em></h2>
<p>It might sound almost counterintuitive, but there's actually something <em>very freeing</em> about giving something to the world (or a person) with absolutely <em>no</em> expectations that you're going to get anything back.</p>
<p>
<div class="pull-right">
<p><img src="https://i.imgur.com/uEmo1di.jpg" alt="Calla" /><br />
<em>Cally lily and buttercup</em></p>
</div>
</p>
<p>We let go of something-- a <em>worry</em>, a <em>burden</em> that "something" now <em>has to</em> happen.</p>
<p>Like sowing seeds in the garden, we might be <em>hopeful</em> that something will sprout and turn into beautiful flowers, but since nature is fickle, we can't <em>expect</em> or <em>demand</em> those things.</p>
<p>I originally learned of this <em>"freeing"</em> the hard way-- from lending money to friends. I always felt that "<em>of course they would pay back.</em>" Of course, many never did. And it led to disappointment and hurt feelings. Once I learned to not make loans to friends... but instead learned to think of "<em>can you lend me $50?</em>" as a GIFT, the whole dynamic changed.</p>
<p>And wouldn't you know it? The true law of reciprocity often happened, all by itself.</p>
<p>One last thing to keep in mind, and then I'll get off your screen: Don't make the mistake of giving people things that aren't yours to give. What I mean here, is that if you lend someone $100 you <em>really needed</em> to pay your own electric bill... you're just being plain dumb.&nbsp;</p>
<p>There's nothing "<em>noble</em>" about that, it's just stupid. It's not "<em>selfless,</em>" it's stupid.&nbsp;</p>
<p>It's stupid because if you needed that $100 and gave it away, you've now made yourself "psychically dependent" on getting that reciprocal payment from the Universe, so your electricity doesn't get shut off. And that leads to tension, stress, regret and even bitterness.</p>
<p>So just don't do it, m'kay?</p>
<p><em><strong>How about YOU? </strong></em>What's your understanding of reciprocity? Do you feel it is more a "<em>natural</em>" thing, or is it more like a contract: if you give, you should get? Do you think people often feel "<em>entitled</em>" to rewards when really they have <em>no basis</em> to feel that way? Or is "reciprocity" just a New Age hoo-hoo concept? <strong>Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!</strong></p>
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Created at 180125 00:23 PST&nbsp;</em></p>
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@andrewmarkmusic · Jan 25 '18

$0.25

The Enneagram is a very worthwhile device. I especially think the 9 levels of being are immensely insightful. I'm a four with a five wing. Finding that out really helped me make sense of who I am. 
I'm probably not the best person to comment on this subject though as I find popular culture today rather pathetic. I do agree with your assessment though but would only add that not all problems can be solved by individuals. Sometimes it's systems which need to change...Wilber's lower right quad. This is the issue I have in general with New Age thinking, it's misdiagnosing the field of concern if I can phrase it like that..

👍 denmarkguy, reddragonfly

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@reddragonfly · Jan 25 '18

$0.11

I do agree @andrewmarkmusic that some issues are systemic and people are simply caught in the cycle, unaware of the alternatives.

I was part of enneagram "culture" for better than 15 years, and it was definitely useful. As were insights offered my many other schools of thought... including Integral studies. I just run into trouble when any one of these-- or, rather, the proponents OF-- systems start to become cultish and suggest they have all THE answers to anything.

👍 andrewmarkmusic

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@andrewmarkmusic · Jan 25 '18 (edited)

Hi, redragonfly, I don't want to spent too much time on Wilber although I do concede he's one of the greatest thinkers of our time, however, he has two devastating faults: he continually misrepresents the scientific paradigm and he refuses to concede that he's espousing religion and a very particular one, and along with that he refuses to concede that his religion is one among thousands; no more verifiable than any other, all religion is spiritual hypothesis (if I can put it like that).
If we are going to use nature as a template then we need to understand where we are acting from. Predatory behavior is lowly evolved reptilian limbic system thinking and the economic model put in place by the elites in the past few hundred years is reptilian and predatory. It's lowly evolved and unnecessarily exploits and coerces others for personal gain and profit; this has in effect broken a very advanced spiritual concept--The Golden Rule. Nature gave us the earth freely and the food systems freely and the elites have turned that into every manner of rent-seeking exploitation. The worst of it being the exploitation of human labor for profit. Now all this could be corrected by implementing systems that are voluntary and not premised on forced coercion or unnecessary exploitation. This is the crux of any spiritual worldview that resonated from higher ordered thinking. 
The fact is that humanity has been played by various mind control techniques of the archons.

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@appreciator · Jan 26 '18

$0.12

This post is sponsored by @appreciator in collaboration with #steemitbloggers. Keep up the good work

👍 denmarkguy

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@denmarkguy · Jan 26 '18

Thank you!

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@cecicastor · Jan 31 '18

>"reciprocity" is a natural thing. It just happens... or not. You can't "manufacture" it, "provoke" it or "demand" it. 
> we don't have the "right" to expect diddly-squat from anyone or anywhere.
> Reciprocity tends to kick in when you simply do things because they are-- in your heart and soul-- representation of "right action."

Very true. When you give from your heart with no expectations and someone recopricates because they want to, that is natural and true reciprocity. If you do something and expect something in return it then becomes a contract, value for value.

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@daniarnold · Jan 25 '18

$0.21

Really interesting thoughts- some of which I mirror in my own head.  well said my friend!

👍 denmarkguy

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@humanearl · Jan 27 '18

Freely giving is an otherworldy thing to do. I hear all the time we shouldn't just give to people without them doing something for it and I'm like hold on "when did you create the oxygen you're breathing right now?"  I love that you are starting to pick back up on theses kinds of things because you just have some much insight about it. 

I believe when we freely give we simply empty ourselves to pour into someone else's life.

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@kimmiecfields · Jan 26 '18

So much truth in what you said!! Great read!

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@por500bolos · Jan 25 '18

$0.13

> There's no Cosmic Fed-Ex Truck that's suddenly going to dump your perfect existence in the driveway, simply because you had a thought to that effect.

Well, that would be true, unless you are a musician reading that fat "Law of Attraction" book while you are sat alone in a canoe fishing **'something'** in the middle of a pond. }:)

<center>https://steemitimages.com/DQmSH799aomz5A5Ah9c9ug3gZX6hEfZCoPRcdD8qAtu7W4e/LawOfAttraction.jpg</center>

👍 denmarkguy

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@rethinkingbelief · Jan 26 '18

You are describing maturity in a person or even society that allows the realization of interconnectedness and heightened empathy. 

It’s simplistic, childlike thinking that produces tit-for-tat and quid pro quo behavior. To raise above that and ‘mature’ we need to give without expecting to receive.

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@rusli · Jan 25 '18

Waaaw amazing
I really like your post
Thank you for sharing

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@sharoonyasir · Jan 26 '18

The following is just such a deep thought and for me, something that matters a lot:

>Why don't you try providing something worthwhile to the world? Something that's actually of value?

This is exactly what  I believe in. I see so many people complaining of why they don't get what they want. The answer is they don't deserve it. I love this quote by Charlie Munger a lot which aptly describes why we often don't get what we want: 'You only get what you deserve.' If we aren't putting in as much effort as we should to get something we aspire to have, we won't get it so whatever that we have manifested so far is exactly what we deserve. Loved this piece btw!

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@shinyforest · Jan 26 '18

Haha m'kay, very interesting read @denmarkguy, made me laugh a bit and think. I agree that it's very important to truly give, share with others,  and also take care of yourself while giving. And I think it's great to hope for good things to happen. I have wonderful experience here on Steemit, I was given attention, help, advice and support from my first days here (the generosity made me dizzy at times!) and I try myself to return all the good I've received. To spread some good vibes :) I'm following you in hope of reading more of your insightful reflections. All the best, Klaudia

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@steemfluencer · Jan 25 '18

$0.20

I agree - GAAACK!

And it all happens, because we simply lack knowledge about ourselves. 

Something more - we avoid, we often don't want to learn anything about ourselves. Because turning off all the noise around us might reveal something we don't really like or something we refuse admitting about ourselves. Another huuuuge topic... we might discuss for hours..

👍 denmarkguy

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@denmarkguy · Jan 25 '18

Not only do people lack knowledge about themselves... the entire state of "lacking knowledge" (aka being in the trance) gets preferential treatment over self-awareness. 

As you say, it's a HUGE freakin' topic, but it's one I intend to start poking at the edges of this year.

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@steemfluencer · Jan 25 '18 (edited)

**Not only do people lack knowledge about themselves... the entire state of "lacking knowledge" (aka being in the trance) gets preferential treatment over self-awareness.** - this is the quote of the day. The whole issue is really well presented in a nut shell.

Because it's not only drugs that you can touch. There are drugs for the mind to put you in the *trance* as well. Sometimes they are presented as a solution to live more balanced life, which I simply call deceiving.

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@veber88 · Jan 25 '18

You write about as much as I fully agree with OM ...
Vad är livet? Blott en hägring,
Blott en skugga och en spegling.
Bländverk allt, som blev oss givet!
Ty en dröm är hela livet,
Själva drömmen drömmer vi.

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@zainuddinibrahim · Jan 25 '18

your post is very interesting I am amazed at you .. thanks for sharing post ... if you have time please visit my post.

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