![IMG_20210320_074029.jpg](https://images.hive.blog/DQmeS3c5sb3Q4aRgsHran34882mZzCGqQ8f5pPEs2RYkHMj/IMG_20210320_074029.jpg)

I guess you can say that there are times when I've had it with myself. Yes, you heard that right, not other people this time, but my SELF.  My allergic reaction to people is undeniable but now I figure that the real enemy here is my mind. The enemy all along because you know what they say, the devil finds work for idle hands. Ugh, this devil, well of course I'm not a literal beach bum, I actually have work. I'm taking personal responsibility now. The idle time comes in between those moments. I mean I got to rest too and enjoy doing nothing but then the devil appears to expose all my hidden dirt. I begin to see what's lacking in my life. I begin to question my own self-worth.

Sure, the 12 rules are hard. Life is. Restructuring my life after living an unstructured life is hard. Thinking about the future after living a present-focused life is hard. Everything is hard I want to puke. But still, I'm here breathing. You might think I've been ranting since day 1 of my blogging life but I am actually well put together in person. You know, I get up, take a shower (2x a day), and get dressed for work. No matter how harsh the last couple of hours has been. No matter how I kept on tossing and turning while I murder people in my head to keep them from reappearing. I still get up to fix myself a nice meal. And even that is something to be grateful for, the freedom to cook whatever I want when I want and not rely on someone else's cooking. Imagine those still living with their Mamas and don't know how to cook (I'm talking about Diablo the cat here).

But guess what, today I mean business. It's deciding if I want to go through all this shit or not. It's facing life, the hardships, the joy, the sadness. All of it. So thanks to my newfound goal I've been able to redirect my attention and focus to something else. I think I've written that in my previous post.  But yeah, I'm perfectly aware of what will cost me of those goals, obviously my own mental health. So let's see if I will be the same sane human being after bearing through it all. I'm treating work now just as the means to an end putting everyone else in it into the background. You know like when you format an image and you want that to be the sole focus, you put everything else to back. You see what you need to see.

And maybe, just maybe, getting the price would rid of all the hidden dirt, or not? Because maybe if I actually achieve something then I'd have more worth, or at least the illusion of it, or like I won't be feeling shit anymore. Surprise! I do look like I am well put together, with my beach attire, flowing hair, and supple skin, but deep down lies a monster. You think I always have the confidence with this fictional diabolika character. See, that's what my mind has been tricking me. As soon as I'm not in my character, I've been feeling ugly and utterly not enough. The unrequited love partly caused this, the toxic social media, men in our culture, and the loved ones I grew up with. Those who reminded me that I will never be enough or that there's always something that I need to change.  And for the same reason, I'm untamed, feral, and forever afraid of putting myself out there. The worse thing, I've been cutting people out of my life at an alarming rate, thinking I'm better off alone with my inner demons. I can't trust anyone anymore so I'll deal with the devil alone.  I should be forgiven to be feeling this way. I want to get past this and get rid of the hidden dirt forever. And regain strength and confidence. And just truly, truly love my SELF.