the darkness creeps in again
another loss
this time, its a phone.
with about $60 on it
*poof*
battery issues
it reset
i chose the right options
all was fine. one of my bookmarks was gone off the home screen, but that was ok. all data safu

2 days later, did it again.
must have missed an option, cos it hard reset
'just restore from the backup on your computer' he sai
"my what?" i replied

and cos it was a phone setup one, the password ( which, foolishly, i never wrote down)
would be one of those random generated combos
so ... yeah
gone

its not that i WANT to be poor
its just that every time i try to get OUT of the poverty, that is all ive known since i was born, yet another roadblock is put in my way.



this was meant to be some post about psychology. about
how
at the moment, i just want some motherfucker to come visit me
friend of 25? years... been trying to get them to pop by. check out my setup, and help me design a coin or something. i need some mf that aint gonna stab me in the back as soon as im worth $25k. yeah im looking at you sammo

how am i meant to tell someone, that im in a very low place, and, if they dont come visit soon, the next time they see me, might be my funeral...
without it being 'emotional blackmail'?
like. when did stating facts become 'cry for attention'?
would u feel bad when they 'cfa' is no longer heard?
i dunno. just the shit that goes through my head late at night
i often ask myself, in my conscious part... how long have i got
til my subconscious part takes over, and takes us both out?

anyways, sorry. i know this isnt the sort of thingthe ppl that followed me want to reda
but theres only so long i can mask it
im dead inside
have been for many years
i ... the mask ... its cracking

just need some ... fk... whats the word
ppl tell me to go see a counsellor
problem is
the... its not a long enough session... or something
here in oz u get 10 sessions of 30 min
but because its broken up, so much of it is rehashing the last 'lesson'
and talking abou the next

in the old days, we had an older generation, and campfires. if we had something on our mind, we got to have a good old chinwag, for hours at a time if there was time
now its
'take these'

but
depression has 2 forms
events, or genetic wiring
my tribulations have caused my decline of joy
its not chemical, s i dont think chemical is the way to solve it

see also 'randy buys a book on gumtree' - explains how, we used to have groups of 100-150 ppl or so in our tribe. and life was good
now we have social media...

oof... just recalled a thought
'the greatest trick the devil ever pulled ....
was making 'social media'
and 
'sinners judging sinners for sinning differently'
...have social media
all the worries of the world, are just one click away
granted, the solutions for those problems are potentially also one click away
(as i was typing i thought of world vision adverts of the starving kids in africa - and then that *click* sends money via internet)

anyways, seems im rambling
just have a lot of pent up output, and noone to output too
i hate the text based coms. in a world where noone has an attention span
its hard to remember that, some of the diehard fans, will be still reading ( looking at you Undies, of ure still out there)

sad to hear that Jebedia Gearjammer passed recently
another cause of my superlow atm is that, although i share a server with 33k ppl ("people" - a lot are bots or scripts or alts. i often joke there ARE actually only about 25 of us)(@tipcc))
or palnet server... with people i spoke to religiously for 6-8 hrs a day while i was doing my other stuff. and the ex of 10y in that server . . .
if i died tomorrow...
no one would know
`if i died in my apartment like a rat in a cage
would the neighbors smell the corpse before the cat ate my face` - aesop rock