A Running Joke: Comedy Open Mic Round #28 by eonwarped

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comedyopenmic · @eonwarped · Aug 29 '18

$8.39

A Running Joke: Comedy Open Mic Round #28

I hate computers.

My favorite line from my former computer science professor. It's certainly fun to say, especially when the old box does something completely different than what you intended, but of course it was doing exactly what you told it to do.

Every day you can hear curse words echoing through the halls in the office as the innocent computer claims another victim. Blasted typos, or unintentional bugs, tests not passing (just kidding, nobody writes tests).

And now, to some extent this same frustration is now available to the masses!

Me: "Hey Google, play some jazz music!"

Little Box: "I'm sorry. But 'some jazz music' either doesn't exist or isn't available at this time."

Right, I'm sorry. Let's be more specific.

Me: "Hey Google, play jazz music from Spotify!"

Little Box: "Okay. Jazz music playlist from Spotify. Do you want to play that on 'main speaker'?"

Ugh. How many times do I have to tell it yes. (note: there's a default setting somewhere)

Me: "Yes"

Music is playing, great. I was thinking of conversationally saying something like "Always, stop asking me" but I was afraid to confuse the little box further.

Don't get me wrong, the progress we've made in computer natural language processing is amazing, but we still got a ways to go. The magical incantation for me to avoid this would have been "Hey Google, play jazz music from Spotify on main speaker!"

The other fun part is that the little box does not understand my wife's accent.

Wife: "Hey Google, play some music."

The little box: "I'm sorry I don't know how to do that right now."

Me: "Hey Google, play some music."

The little box: "Okay, music from Spotify. Playing on 'main speaker'".

Interesting... Google home hates my wife. Note that in theory these boxes can distinguish between different people and behave differently depending on who is talking. Although not quite like this.

I hate computers.

Well I realize I'm having a dumb first world problem, but I don't think it's that long until this monstrous technology becomes ubiquitous. Imagine all the older devices being sent around the world to terrorize everyone.

In the meantime the march goes onwards, with the little box gaining more and more features. It will buy you shoes. Deliver lunch. Make hair appointments. Especially when a commercial tells your device to do so when you aren't around to stop it.

Computers are amazing. Progress is amazing. But sometimes you just look in amazement as the smart devices you interact with go above and beyond their expected duties, forcing you to scramble to undo the damage, and then you can't help but think to yourself,

"I hate computers."

Well, that's my short bit for #comedyopenmic, thank you @paintingangels for throwing me the mic. Maybe I should have just said "Hey Google, tell me a joke." And built off of that. It's got a bank of one-liners.

Alright let's see... Passing on the mic... Let's nominate... @lunaticpandora and @eaglespirit . I'm sure they can be funnier than this uh.. thing.

Posted using [Partiko Android](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.partiko.android)

👍 hendrikdegrote, comedyopenmic, tombstone, helpie, kevinwong, curie, ipromote, thesteemengine, vact, wackou, lemony-cricket, ethandsmith, svemirac, inquiringtimes, meno, derangedvisions, yidneth, anwenbaumeister, fknmayhem, sbi2, amirtheawesome1, dhimmel, amymya, acolucky, lunaticpandora, polyphemus, sultnpapper, buddyup, anjkara, eonwarped, profanereviews, jasonshick, liberosist, paintingangels, tamala, mathowl, bigtom13, enchantedspirit, bashadow, isaria, partiko, eaglespirit, belemo, crimsonclad, minnowbootcamp, holybranches, kawaiicrush, eric-boucher, tattoodjay, thehive, tuck-fheman, misha, freebornsociety, not-a-bird, macchiata, moneyinfant, rahul.stan, katrina-ariel, white-lie-living, clayboyn, blacklux, zhangyong, torico, idikuci, and 269 others

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@ange.nkuru · Aug 29 '18

$0.06

I have a feeling the little box will have a field day with my accent, once this ubiquitous you speak of finally happens.

Posted using [Partiko Android](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.partiko.android)

👍 eonwarped

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@eonwarped · Aug 29 '18

I think I read somewhere that it's gotten pretty far with handling accents, so it might just work when it comes!

Posted using [Partiko Android](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.partiko.android)

👍 ange.nkuru

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@belemo · Aug 29 '18

$0.11

Every time I make those google commands around here, people think I'm either crazy or a sorcerer. The computer knowledge isn't so wide spread in third worlders societies.

👍 belemo, eonwarped

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@eonwarped · Aug 29 '18

Yeah I figured this might not be so relevant to third worlders, but I think it isn't too far away. It seems at the very least phones and computers are becoming commonplace (for viewers of this post at least), and imagining that those things could do things for you or talk back is just a hop away. Maybe. 

But to your point, it feels like wizardry sometimes to me haha... Crazy box.

Posted using [Partiko Android](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.partiko.android)

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@blanchy · Aug 29 '18

$0.08

The box hates your wife reminded me of the two Scottish guys in the lift ! 
https://youtu.be/J3lYLphzAnw

👍 eonwarped, mathowl, torico

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@eonwarped · Aug 30 '18

Hahaha! I enjoyed that one. *Please?* Thanks for the link!

Posted using [Partiko Android](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.partiko.android)

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@com-judge · Aug 29 '18

$2.71

Hi eonwarped, 
 
Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)

#### Judges:
- @profanereviews
- @ange.nkuru
- @diebitch
 
If you have any questions or queries please feel free to contact one of the judges or come say hi in discord: [Click Here](https://discord.gg/rddw2Ny)
 
<center>[Click To Vote](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=comedyopenmic&approve=1) @ComedyOpenMic For Witness And Disrupt The Steem Blockchain With Laughter!<a href="https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=comedyopenmic&approve=1">
<img src="https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/448711994275659777/454625592675926026/image.jpg" alt="Support COM Banner" style="width:42px;height:42px;border:0;">
</a>
<sub>Thank you to @matytan for the great banner </sub></center>

👍 comedyopenmic, idikuci, com-judge

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@eaglespirit · Aug 31 '18

$0.03

this is so cute and i just picture you and wifey having this convo!  hahahah love mah baby girl opals pic too, thats what led me here 😂😂😂 

ps thank you for the dele!! woohooooo

👍 eonwarped

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@eonwarped · Aug 31 '18

$0.03

Ha no pictures of Opal here but if you ask her she would hate Google home too because we sometimes tell it to make thunderstorm sounds...

Posted using [Partiko Android](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.partiko.android)

👍 eaglespirit

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@eaglespirit · Sep 1 '18

oh nooozzz mah baby opal 😢

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@foxyspirit · Aug 29 '18

$0.04

You had me at typos. Yes I curse it everytime :p

👍 eonwarped

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@eonwarped · Aug 29 '18

Ooh. That's a good source of comedy too. At least some very unfortunate typos.

Posted using [Partiko Android](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.partiko.android)

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@headchange · Sep 4 '18

$0.02

Oh I love it. My cortana hates my husband too. It is so funny to watch.

👍 eonwarped

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@jbreheny · Sep 2 '18 (edited)

$0.04

Me: Hey Google, upvote @eonwarpeds post.  

Google:  playing Miles Davis on Spotify.

👍 eonwarped

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@katrina-ariel · Aug 29 '18

$0.06

You got me giggling. The little box hates your wife. lol. That's horrible, yet funny. My parents have Alexa. I've had some funny interactions with her. ;)

👍 eonwarped

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@eonwarped · Aug 29 '18

Ah yes, they seem to have all sorts of fun Easter eggs if you know just what to ask. I think there's also some videos where they put Alexa and Google home side by side and have them go back and forth haha... Don't remember if it was funny though.

Posted using [Partiko Android](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.partiko.android)

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@mathowl · Aug 31 '18

$0.06

Nice piece, it's something everybody can relate to. Although I have computers too I think computer are not deservant of our hate since they are more on the level of autistic children. Printers are the true form of evil ^（｀ω´ ）^ψ  -> http://theoatmeal.com/comics/printers

👍 eonwarped

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@eonwarped · Aug 31 '18

Oh my! That's hilarious. And so true. Well the longer time passes the closer I get to hating all change :D

Posted using [Partiko Android](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.partiko.android)

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@paintingangels · Aug 31 '18

$0.06

Ha ha ha! I love it!  I relate to your wife, it took Siri months to get used to my southern accent , but now she totally gets me.  Ive never interacted with Alexa but I was told she knows my music.   "Alexa. Play Serena Matthews."   Not sure if that's true though! 

So happy you did this!  😊

👍 eonwarped

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@eonwarped · Aug 31 '18

$0.02

Lol I just said "Hey Google, Play Serena Matthews!" Guess who came on?

👍 paintingangels

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@paintingangels · Sep 1 '18

Serena Williams! Ha ha

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1 reply

@paintingangels · Aug 31 '18

Next stop, music open mic!!

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@profanereviews · Aug 30 '18

$0.04

I always forget I can talk to Google, but when I do, it's glorious.

👍 eonwarped

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@eonwarped · Aug 30 '18

Anytime, anytime... haha. nonstop madness.

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@tamala · Aug 29 '18

$0.07

I have two Alexas and a Google Home (yes, I prefer gadgets to clothes, handbags, shoes, food - pretty much everything) and they piss me off on a regular basis.

"Hey Google put this appointment on my calendar" 

"I'm sorry, I don't recognize your voice so I can't do that."

So I repeat myself, again and again with the same result until I give up and add it via my phone.

And YES,  Google, listen up! People are sneaking into my house making random appointments on my  calendar just to mess with me! (NOT) 

Thanks for that added layer of security that doesn't work!

I hate computers.

~T

👍 eonwarped

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@eonwarped · Aug 30 '18

> I hate computers.

Hmm so both Alexa and Google piss you off? Equally? Hahahaha.... Are they in the room together and both respond if you're not careful?

Posted using [Partiko Android](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.partiko.android)

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@thesteemengine · Aug 30 '18

Congratulations! This post has been chosen as one of the daily Whistle Stops for The STEEM Engine!

<center>[![](https://ethandsmith.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/commentSTEEMengine.jpg)](https://steemit.com/@thesteemengine)</center>

You can see your post's place along the track here: [The Daily Whistle Stops, Issue 242 (8/30/18)](https://steemit.com/curation/@thesteemengine/the-daily-whistle-stops-issue-242-8-30-18)

The STEEM Engine is an initiative dedicated to promoting meaningful engagement across Steemit. [Find out more about us and join us](https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@thesteemengine/introducing-the-steem-engine-initiative) today.

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@yidneth · Aug 31 '18

$0.05

Did you see that crazy x files chapter last season?
Lol it is kind of eerie... And alexa laughing outbursts, creepier than Anabelle the haunted doll... 
Funny it does not understand your wife, aww hugs to her

👍 eonwarped

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@eonwarped · Aug 31 '18

Alexa laughing outbursts...I have heard of those, but never experienced it. Sounds like something you could prank Alexa to do though. And when they record and send your conversation as a text to a random stranger too, that's always great.

Posted using [Partiko Android](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.partiko.android)

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@yidneth · Aug 31 '18

I have seen people freaking out on youtube with it, and damn it was CREEEEEEPY! lol horror movie level!

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