Challenging Love to Be Unconditional - Part 19 by everlove

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love · @everlove · Feb 17 '19

$4.13

Challenging Love to Be Unconditional - Part 19

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<h2>VULNERABILITY - DIGGING UP OLD SHIT!</h2>
<p><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-1">Part 1</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-2">Part 2</a><br>
<a href="https://steemit.com/love/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-3">Part 3</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-4">Part 4</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-5">Part 5</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-6">Part 6</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-7">Part 7</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-8">Part 8</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-9">Part 9</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-10">Part 10</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-birthday-intermission">Birthday Intermission</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-11">Part 11</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-12">Part 12</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-13">Part 13</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-14">Part 14</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-15">Part 15</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-16">Part 16</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-17">Part 17</a><br>
<a href="https://busy.org/@everlove/challenging-love-to-be-unconditional-part-18">Part 18</a><br>
</p>
<p><br>
Quinn told me that at the onset of our attraction at the conference, he had pretty much decided that he wasn’t going to have sex with me. &nbsp;He said it could be too complicated considering our situation. &nbsp;I didn’t decide any such thing, nor had I decided that I would. &nbsp;Sex was something that I held very sacred, and was in no way going to take it lightly. &nbsp;That just wasn’t my style.</p>
<p>I had a devastating experience when I was 17. &nbsp;&nbsp;This is something not even my siblings likely know about to this day (until now if they’re reading this anyway). &nbsp;I made my parents swear that they would never tell, and I swore myself to secrecy as well. &nbsp;This was a secret I planned to take with me to my grave!&nbsp;</p>
<p><br></p>
<p><img src="https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/301715_3722817556375_99253146_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&amp;_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&amp;oh=ba6760406f73fc88ea242f95972d0973&amp;oe=5CEE50C5" width="960" height="640"/></p>
<p><br></p>
<p>I was so ashamed, embarrassed, overwhelmed and extremely sad. &nbsp;I cried for months just praying time would go fast so I could blame my irresponsibility on just being a stupid kid. &nbsp;I stayed in my room alone with my thoughts doing picture puzzles, remembering how difficult it was to see the pieces through my tears. I wondered how I was going to manage this situation. &nbsp;Maybe I could punch myself in the stomach hard enough to dislodge this tiny thing  growing in my belly, or step in front of a car. &nbsp;I didn’t want to think of it as a baby because I just couldn’t bear any more pain.<br>
<br>
Abortion was NOT ACCEPTABLE back in those days, though I was relieved to find out it was legal. &nbsp;I was desperate to undo what I had done. &nbsp;At least if I had an abortion it would be over (or would it?). &nbsp;Having the baby would be even more embarrassing as the child would be an everyday reminder of my irresponsible, ignorant negligence. &nbsp;&nbsp;Neither abortion, nor having a baby out of wedlock was something any responsible person would do--and even if it did happen was certainly not something to be talked about, but only served as the perfect fuel for gossip through the generations. &nbsp;I felt so desperate--felt I only had 3 options: &nbsp;to have an abortion, to have the baby, or to die. I was totally not ready to be a mother--that was as far from my present reality as I could imagine. &nbsp;Having a child would have meant adding another huge layer of irresponsibility to the one I had already made. &nbsp;Having a baby was just not going to happen.</p>
<p>This pregnancy resulted from the very first time I had sex. &nbsp;My entire life changed in that moment and I grew up! &nbsp;People would ask me how I got so wise at such a young age. &nbsp;I couldn’t tell them what I’d done that tore my heart out and made me wise up and wake up, because I was still so very full of fear and shame. &nbsp;</p>
<p>I decided that sex was not something to take lightly. &nbsp;There is always the possibility that sex could have lifetime implications for more than the two people having sex, and there was no doubt it was an enormous responsibility, regardless if a child was the outcome or not. &nbsp;Mixing energy with another person was serious business and I would be more aware of what I did with my energy, and what energy I took within. &nbsp;I was never the same again!<br>
</p>
<p><br></p>
<p><em>Having an abortion totally tore me down to nothing. &nbsp;I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. &nbsp;I couldn’t look at myself at all. &nbsp;I was so disappointed that I went numb and tried to pretend that it didn’t happen. &nbsp;Not only had I let myself down, but I'd let this baby down, I let my parents down, and I potentially tarnished the good name of our family. &nbsp;I deeply felt that what other people thought of me really did matter--overwhelming in and of itself beyond what I thought of myself. &nbsp;There was so much trauma that it took me years to look at it again.</em><br>
<br>
<em>By my early twenties I had worked through my feelings enough to be able to share the experience with my significant others, and a few of my intimate friends. &nbsp;Though years ago I especially didn’t want my children to know, I told them anyway when they became teenagers. &nbsp;I felt that since I endured the trauma, at least someone could benefit from my experience.</em></p>
<p><em>Many years later, a woman I knew was running out the door to her abortion appointment. &nbsp;She wasn’t afraid as it was already her 3rd, and she acted like it was similar to going to get her nails done! &nbsp;It was crazy to me that she almost likened abortion to birth control!!!<br>
</em><br>
<em>Though it was hard to digest her attitude, I looked deeper and began to consider that being traumatized could actually be a choice--a matter of perspective. &nbsp;After all, she handled abortion way differently than I did &nbsp;though we both underwent the same procedure--she was off to her 2:00 and I was still dealing with it nearly 3 decades later! &nbsp;&nbsp;Aha!! &nbsp;A light bulb went off. &nbsp;Regardless of the intensity of the subject, I was actually responsible for how I perceived every situation and how I wanted to respond (as opposed to react). &nbsp;&nbsp;I removed several more layers of guilt and shame. &nbsp;&nbsp;Ahhh... I’m okay--I think!! &nbsp;At least way better than before!</em></p>
<h2><img src="https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/73541_1621175256631_520717_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&amp;_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&amp;oh=01f364d7cd728679b76ed2d15cdabf1e&amp;oe=5CDA5822" width="480" height="720"/></h2>
<p><br></p>
<p><em>Over time I found out some other family secrets that this day and age don't socially matter at all--but are actually totally common for a large portion of society (like divorce, adopting children, etc). &nbsp;Though I feel abortion is still a very controversial issue, having a child out of wedlock is quite the norm. &nbsp;By talking about abortion with others throughout the years, I found my experience was actually shared surprisingly by many others in my circle, who also hid the shame deep inside. &nbsp;If I had known how perspectives would change, at least I could have been dealing only with my own disgust about it, being less caught up in and giving less credence to the judgment of others. &nbsp;I was realizing how I let others dictate my experience, and how much I was giving my energy and power away!</em></p>
<h2><br>
Go with me on the journey toward Unconditional Love!<br>
</h2>
<h3>Stay Tuned for Part 20</h3>
<h3><br></h3>
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<p><br></p>
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👍 gardenofeden, quinneaker, saramiller, chris4210, bubke, kalemandra, kus-knee, familyprotection, mountainjewel, truthproductions, dreemit, qiqi-power, ace108, reseller, havok777, aksinya, noki-power, dgiors, daltono, olawalium, crypto-con, fmatinata, steemitboard, mikkolyytinen, michaelmcdermott, thedrollyears, lloyddavis, jsantana, bitshares101, kimberleighfl, kryptocoin, natural.health, alchemaster, lordoftherings, wild-medicine, eden-treasures, quinnspiration, golden-dragon, epic-blades, medicinaljewelry, qinoku, honest-reviews, edenebooks, new-paradigm, eco-village, mininthecity, yestermorrow, jrb450, museproject, macodi1, pgshow, sageroot, bunnymoney, yvonneinoregon, anoncleaner, lolesports, osodreamer, jaredwood, dchadney, houseofeaker, harry-potter, highvibehealth, bushcraft, steemit-resort, and 6 others

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@dreemit · Feb 17 '19

$0.59

I saw your comment on my post while I was sitting in on @clayboyn's radio show in discord where they were talking about dreams, I kid you not,... Life is truly incredible sometimes...

Instead of responding right away, I jumped on your blog to see what you've been up to, and found a book of your own...

I'll quickly respond to your comment to me before I speak to that- The novel I'm putting through right now was something I wrote in my twenties, but I have published the first book of my current series on Amazon- remember the cover art by @therealpaul that you put up at steemfest? One of you took a picture of it up on the steemfest wall for me, I could be wrong but I seem to remember it being Quinn- and I'm publishing another stand alone novel soon as well as the second book of my series this summer- exciting times! And this book I wrote in my twenties which needs a ton of work and rewrites is a fascinating journey into my head at that time even though it's entirely fiction.

Anyway, okay how to even begin? I think with- You are an *astoundingly* brave being! That kind of honestly utterly takes my breath away.

And it caused me to face myself for a moment, because there *was* a moment of eyebrow raising where I found once again there is still some form of programming inside that needs to be rewritten. Though it showed itself in the form of this feeling of protectiveness, where I found myself wanting to stop you from bearing your soul, laying it open, to an often cruel world. "Shellie", I thought, "I don't know if people are ready for this story." The truth that I skated at first was that I wasn't sure *I* was ready for this story. Though it would never change the fact that I love you and have always felt connected to you, I was shocked to find so much cultural/societal bias still resides in me.

It was extremely late when I finished what you have so far... and then I went directly to @saramiller's story- and can I just say, especially the first few posts of hers in comparison to yours is *such* a contrast, two TOTALLY different beings- though if you see this Sara, and I'm sure I will be speaking to you at some point anyway- I love your 'here it fucking is' approach to this too, both of you are so real and raw in your own styles.

What made it so much easier to wrap my head around is the way you describe the magic of this otherworldly love you found with Quinn- because I am the only person I ever knew before you with that experience. Howie, my husband of almost 19 years now, was and continues to be that for me, a soul mate without question, someone I've known for eons of time. I have my own story--- of being an 18 year old home-wrecker. And coming from a very devout christian family, it's a gross understatement to say my family and friends were not on board with our relationship in the beginning, but like you there was nothing and no one that could have changed my mind. And you might possibly be the only person who truly understands what I mean, at least that I've ever met.

A love like ours defies all logic.

But it is so very difficult to live a life like yours/ours in a world of the Walking Dead. It's so much easier to blend in by 'dragging your leg and moaning'. I have a story about that too, a limited 'garden of eden' you could call it, of us moving with our children to the middle of nowhere in the Ozark mountains for a year- maybe I mentioned it? Even if I did I'm sure I kept it brief, the whole account is something most people would struggle to believe or understand :)

'This life is extraordinary if you reach up and grab the reins of your narrative rather than letting others write the story of your life for you.'- That is something I wrote in my notebook a few weeks ago, and a thought that keeps recurring. Because it sometimes is a huge struggle to go against the grain. The testing of our wills can get extreme. Something is always trying to steal our personal power, to tell us 'that's not how it's done, you can't do that!'

So you came to my blog to tell me you were dreaming about me when I was listening to a radio show about dreams, lucid dreams, the meaning of dreams- which led me to your journey. Coincidences don't exist in my life which is rushing headlong into- not a crossroads, I've had many of those, this is different. It's a T in the road with the appearance of having only two choices, left or right, because straight ahead is a wall. But Howie and I were feeling that the third choice is to smash through that wall. I think we already decided but it's never a bad thing to have confirmation haha!

👍 everlove, bubke

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@everlove · Feb 17 '19

$1.30

OMG! I'm so very very excited to receive my own little novel for me written especially by you! This is an awesome comment and I'm super glad it was you that showed up here with me.

I do remember the book cover so well and remember how great it felt to be with and support you in sharing your writing. I love your writing style even in this comment!! How awesome is it that you began writing so young and had enough passion to actually write a novel. Amazingly cool---and now more in the works!!! There is so much revealed in visiting the contrast of our years.

Honestly I don't know if people are ready for this story either. I have very little activity on my blog these days, though those that I hear from are on their path toward unconditional love and can feel the power in my story. Ultimately I am writing this for myself. I didn't know it was coming and I'm not sure where it is coming from, it's just coming. So I'm flowing with it! It is a story I have wanted to tell for a long time, but there are just sooooo many facets of it I haven't known how or where to begin. But here it is!!

Since beginning to prepare this particular post a day or so ago I have had moments of second guessing myself about telling this part of my story. I would ask myself "why...why...why?...what's the point in being so open?" Most people who know me well know I am an open book on the outside and can talk about most anything, but am a very private person on the inside (true to the nature of a Scorpio, so I hear) and keep much to myself. My question though digging deeper into the layers was..."am I wanting to keep this to myself, or hide this from myself?" Immediately confirmation appeared as people starting contacting me telling me how much my writing was really helping them to see themselves and get through some difficult spots within and in relationships, and ask that I keep writing. They really appreciated and honored my vulnerability and courage to say it like it is. So here's the post! This subject also plays in to my story later (which of course has yet to be written), so I found it significant to talk about. OMG I did it!! On the blockchain. Can't take it back!

Sara's and my stories are so extremely different, and yet both so valid. What we have experienced has been incredibly intense and thus we know the power and energy it carries. We are sorting through belongings, liquidating some of our assets, cleaning, clearing, repairing and upgrading our physical space. No doubt the depths to which we are engaging is also happening on the inside. It's no surprise @saramiller and I are both writing such potent pieces right now in time. It is a time to dig really deep.

I didn't know about your Ozark mountains journey, but I can imagine the growth that happened because of it, at least for you, if no one else! One day perhaps we will sit and share the gems of those moments.

I love your notebook quote. When having alternative perspectives as we do it takes a lot of strength to go it alone on faith, as there are few examples leading the way. You know how powerful the mind is in raising doubt. I got a huge dose of that when choosing to unschool my children, focusing my efforts on continually reminding myself, an holding myself accountable to following my heart.

It's no synchronicity I was dreaming of you and you found me during a form of dreamtime. Love runs deep and I know that connection for us is in the soul. I fucking love you @dreemit and I'm grateful we both have been blessed to experience a love beyond love in our lives. I don't know of anyone else either who has experienced this incredible, indescribable love. I've known of no one with any frame of reference to understand, so in the conditioned mind judgments fly. People often resist and what they don't understand. I just hope for them one day that they too will get to feel sooooo so very much!

👍 gardenofeden, dreemit, bosman

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@dreemit · Feb 17 '19

$0.18

I just remembered on that radio show @clayboyn was also discussing what it felt like to meet someone and know that you've known them forever :) You are one of those people for me, whether it be that we've known each other in many lifetimes, or that we're family in the place we truly come from. And your post about the word love being weak- so, so true. A friend of mine- @lordless.exile- is writing a series called "A Miserable Bastard's Guide to Love" and he touches on that subject beautifully. You would really enjoy that series if you have some time, he is a very honest and raw guy himself :)

There is no way for another to truly or entirely comprehend the love you described without experiencing it. Words,-and yours were incredible and the best that could be done for it- just do not capture it because it's so far beyond our limited language. You may as well attempt to describe a soul shattering symphony being played in the desert under a mind blowing sunset to someone who was deaf and blind from birth. You can find ways to convey the potency of it, but they will only 'sort of' get it in the same way we can wrap our brains around eternity.

I have so many questions now, and will have to be patient (not always my strong suit ;) as your story unfolds. I was going to say in response to sitting and sharing the gems of the Ozark experience- that visiting Panama is on Howie and my agenda , but after checking out @quinneaker's blog and reading a comment from you I realize you aren't there- so I will wait for you to get to that.

I don't suppose visiting NY is on your agenda? You would be a most welcomed guest at our home and I would be a pretty kick ass tour guide ;) I recommend summer or fall, the area in which I live is spectacular during those seasons. :) Though we have also had some real treasures this winter-

Taughannok Falls after a single digit cold snap that lasted a week or more:

![2019-01-31 21.03.24-01.jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmRzvpzFnx5h5wmVyAHcHykr8TKmp89FkmbBsPK7aA9Fde/2019-01-31%2021.03.24-01.jpeg)

Then a week later after it had warmed up for days:

![2019-02-03 20.54.34-01.jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmTSkFFwKipbF3ANGXVXUAP6tsKTYisMAbFnA8XLf6adph/2019-02-03%2020.54.34-01.jpeg)

<br>

As far as people judging, just know that you are so loved, so fucking loved by this woman. I generally try to be modest, but I have to say that the love I extend is a thousand times more potent than any small minded individual's incomprehension could ever be ;) And I hope you can truly forgive yourself for the revelation in this particular post. Let it all go sweet one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6u0DGIh3wLA

👍 everlove

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1 reply

@emmakkayluv · May 14 '19

$0.02

Hmmm, the trauma and every other thing is understandable by someone whose heart was filled with love right from your youthful age. I know it wasn't an easy decision to make, but such a decision you have to make for the love you have for the unborn Child. 

 Taking care of the child would have resulted in trouble, and as a loving person I know u to be, you won't want to give birth to a child you won't give your best.

👍 everlove

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@everlove · May 15 '19

$0.71

It was out of love for the child that I did not keep it, and out of love, fear and judgment on myself as well.  I have always been grateful that I did not birth that child as my life would have unfolded very differently.  Yet I have no doubt that I would have risen to the occasion and loved it just the same--maybe my life would have even been better for it   

I super appreciate your commenting on all of my posts @emmakkayluv, and that you're taking the time to actually read it and feel the implications of it.  Much love back to you!

👍 saramiller, truthproductions, cheneats

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@jrb450 · Feb 17 '19

$0.03

Thank you for sharing your experience and being vulnerable. <3

👍 everlove

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@everlove · Feb 17 '19

$1.19

Thanks for reading and for taking the time to make a comment @jrb450.  I know I am mostly writing this account for myself, continuing to release fear and more toward more authenticity.  It's interesting how few interactions I have on my blog--the fewest since I began on Steemit!  Guess it's a pretty deep subject for others too.  I appreciate you!

👍 gardenofeden, bosman

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@mountainjewel · Feb 18 '19

Everlove, I read through your entire series thus far this afternoon and I really really enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing yourself with us this transparently! It’s inspired, encouraging, re-minding and heartening plus it teaches me! Thank you. 

I was spurred on to read it after meeting Dakota at a Vipassana a couple of weeks ago and we connected over steemit and what I’ve read about the GOE. What a beautiful place you’ve created there and what a life you’ve lived challenginf yourself toward unconditional love. Thanks again for the vision and example 💗💞😊 wren

👍 everlove

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@everlove · Feb 18 '19

$1.09

Love your screen name--and wren--super cute!  

Glad you made it my way through Dakota.  Life at the GOE really is an amazing one--so much true living to do.  I'm super blessed to be here and by all the experiences I've had that are so enriching.

Thanks for reading my story.  I'm glad you got something of benefit out of it--that was my intention.  I have a lot of story to tell. Would love it if you'd   take the journey with me.  Grateful to know you @mountainjewel.

👍 gardenofeden, bosman

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@mountainjewel · Feb 18 '19

Everlove, I read through your entire series thus far this afternoon and I really really enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing yourself with us this transparently! It’s inspired, encouraging, re-minding and heartening plus it teaches me! Thank you. 

I was spurred on to read it after meeting Dakota at a Vipassana a couple of weeks ago and we connected over steemit and what I’ve read about the GOE. What a beautiful place you’ve created there and what a life you’ve lived challenginf yourself toward unconditional love. Thanks again for the vision and example 💗💞😊 wren

👍 everlove

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@olawalium · Feb 18 '19

$0.02

Wow! This just made me want to go back and read the other 18 chapters. Our experiences has a way of making us grow up quicker than we thought. I could understand how people can see how you got wiser for someone of your age because losing my sister, then dad and eventually mum gave me a shift in perspective and made me tough. I saw life differently from others around me and they wondered how. 

I am really sorry you had to go through that and going through it made you tougher and better as you could pass the valuable lessons to your children so they wouldn't repeat the same.

Your positivity shined through and I can only imagine all you had to deal with back then. Most people are so judgemental and would rather condemn rather than show support.

Thank you for taking us back in time. You have no idea how the power of your words could shine light on the way for others.

I am glad being here with you and want to be every single step of the way.

👍 everlove

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@everlove · Feb 18 '19

I can only imagine how impacted your life was losing so much of your family.  Intense change does seem to jolt us into waking up and though the times were tough, they were indeed the catalyst for change.

Everyone's trials are their own and in their own way of incredible importance to their journey.  I'm glad you turned out to be who you are and that you're such a bright light for others to see.  

I appreciate your visit @olawalium.  May we both find ways to be an inspiration to many.  Blessings to you.

👍 bosman

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@olawalium · Feb 18 '19

$0.02

You have always been an inspiration and rightly so. Yes, intense pain gets us to rethink and be stronger. I have always wanted my story to inspire others and I hope more of it will still inspire them. Different experience, same lesson. 

I am always happy to hear from you.

👍 everlove

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6 replies

@steemitboard · Feb 17 '19

Congratulations @everlove! You have completed the following achievement on the Steem blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :

<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/60x70/http://steemitboard.com/@everlove/votes.png?201902171631</td><td>You made more than 31000 upvotes. Your next target is to reach 32000 upvotes.</td></tr>
</table>

<sub>_[Click here to view your Board](https://steemitboard.com/@everlove)_</sub>
<sub>_If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word_ `STOP`</sub>


To support your work, I also upvoted your post!


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<table><tr><td><a href="https://steemit.com/valentine/@steemitboard/valentine-challenge-love-is-in-the-air"><img src="https://steemitimages.com/64x128/http://i.cubeupload.com/LvDzr5.png"></a></td><td><a href="https://steemit.com/valentine/@steemitboard/valentine-challenge-love-is-in-the-air">Valentine challenge - Love is in the air!</a></td></tr></table>

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@everlove · Feb 17 '19

$1.26

Thanks for keeping track @steemitboard!

👍 gardenofeden, bosman

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`author_curate_reward`	""

properties (23)vote details (2)

voter	weight	wgt%	rshares	pct	time
gardenofeden	0 B		2,352,744,667,097	100%
bosman	0 B		18,578,839,532	100%