<div class="text-justify">
<div class="pull-left">https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmXBZgT4xRcu7JJ59Nb2bqe3VVFswdUvF3nJDvYsyDQy87/rsz_messenger-1495274_960_720.jpg<center><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/messenger-message-icon-facebook-1495274/">Image Source</a><center><a href="https://www.dafont.com/ransom-note.font">Font by Divide by Zero</a></center></a></center></div>

Have you ever been contacted by anyone via Messenger or Whatsapp, either by a distant relative, or a classmate from way back primary or high school years, or a work colleague, and all of whom you were never really close with or have never actually had any connection or relationship with?

They start to ask how you've been, and suddenly they want to know the ins-and-outs of your life. After a few hello's and how-are-you's, they begin to tell you the real motive why they even want to get in touch with you.

They need help. They want to borrow money. They give you promises that they will pay within a month. You oblige or give in, probably out of guilt. Or it could be out of obedience to what your faith or beliefs say about charity or helping others. After a month or so, you start to wonder, "Am I ever going to get my money back?" 

Thinking that because they have the guts to ask for help, you begin to muster up the courage to ask for the money owed to you. Then more promises have been made. Until you get to the point that you begin to resent the person, thinking of all the worst characteristics that this person has. 

<h5>Let me give you an example:</h5>

<div class="pull-right">https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmW9VZEaUvYsZ77ewTNPvfjZC1TcPe1TqRxrbD9LysHct7/34156735_10214510948600330_4927873376090849280_n.png</div>My sister @dynamicshine received this message via Messenger from a distant relative. Actually, I really would not consider her as our relative, since we are not biologically related. She was our stepmother's cousin. The thing is my stepmother and my father, together with our half-sisters, tragically died from a hotel fire accident in 2001. Ever since their death, we have not heard from any of our stepmother's family, not a single word, in spite of progressive technology-mediated communication such as mobile phones, emails, and various social media. 

<br>(Yahoo Messenger and Friendster were the first ones to become popular when all these forms of social media started to penetrate the Filipino households and internet cafés.)

<div class="pull-left">https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmXc4S15JkAAFXJvsMyzGraYg7wdpdZyJoN9dmqKACWuq4/boundaries.jpg<center><a href="http://www.shaw.af.mil/News/Photos/igphoto/2000898856/">Image Source</a></center></div>Now, the book <b>"Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend</b> came to my mind as I finished talking with my sister about it. One of the things I have learnt from the book is we should not make decisions based on other people's approval or on guilt. When we want to help because we are feeling guilty if we don't help, that decision will only breed resentment eventually. 

<br>The problem is that we have been trained or conditioned to think that we are "being loving" when we do things out of compulsion, so we tend to give reluctantly, which is wrong. We can't change what other people think or how they behave; what we can do is set our own limits on our own exposure who are behaving in a way they choose. 

In the situation that I have briefly explained, there are actually three options that we can consider:
1. Respond to the message and say yes, we are willing to help.
2. Respond to the message and say we can't help.
3. Ignore the message completely.

Each of these responses has corresponding lessons that I want to share with all of you that you may also apply in your life when you are in a similar situation.

![response 1.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmdxkcaPiukgLSisQXpczjSGqTVnCuMUtf7cjhjCdbMuxq/response%201.jpg)
When you give and help, give out of a heart of love. Never expect that the money the other person borrowed from you will ever be paid back. Consider it a charity. It's a bonus that the money will be returned to you. 

However, if you say yes to helping someone when you really mean no, you are being compliant, and compliance is the same as lying. Your heart, even your half-hearted actions, actually say no when your lips say yes.

>If we can't say NO, we can't say YES. This statement has something to do with our motivation to obey or to love. We must always say YES out of a heart of love. Because if we are motivated by fear, then we love not.

2 Corinthians 9:7 tells us:
>Each of you must give as you have made up your mind, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

"Reluctantly" and "under compulsion" both involve fear, and love can't operate with this alongside, because 1 John 4:18 says,
>There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.

So check your heart what is actually says before you make a decision. Pray to God about it so that you will be able to discern what needs to be done, and ask God for forgiveness if your thoughts contain malice against the other person.

![response 2.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmW23w6pZ37vMiGmMTRNYs9v3qVwAkW2uYHVAjXT54ggvg/response%202.jpg)
There is nothing wrong with saying NO, as earlier explained if your heart actually says NO anyway. You have reasons why you say NO. You can be honest about it and tell the other person your situation, but it's up to you since you don't really need to justify yourself why you are not able to help. 

It is not entirely about you being selfish and not willing to help. Selfishness has something to do with gratifying your own wishes and desires without taking into account your own responsibility to love others.  Proverbs 13:4 tells us,
>A sluggard’s appetite is never filled, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.

In other words, we have to keep our own wishes and desires in line with healthy goals and responsibility. Our lives are our own responsibility. Same as other people especially if they are adults and fully capable to be able to get their own needs met. It may somehow cause discomfort when you say NO, but it doesn't cause any injury. It means they may have to look elsewhere instead. 

Even let's say, for example, my stepmother's cousin may have a legitimate problem, however, there are times that I can't sacrifice for numerous valid reasons I don't even have to enumerate them here, and this is one of those times. I can also speak for my sister for obvious reasons, having three kids and unemployed and has just started to adjust her new life in the US. 

In this instance, both my sister and I will allow the other person to take responsibility for her problem and to look elsewhere to get her needs met. Surely, there will be another person to call or who may have something to offer. 

![response 3.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmXffqghrbw7j9R9UpGL9n1efMp5QTCb1nZ7datjxz3xUo/response%203.jpg)
If it is your way to set boundaries with the other person, because you're protecting yourself, then it's healthy. You're protecting yourself from being hurt in the future, because you may become hurt because of your own expectations of others. You may feel resentment towards the other person. You are also protecting yourself from being manipulated as you acknowledge your weakness that you might do something out of compulsion. The ignoring factor may help the other person stop and think that maybe it is time to move forward and not wait for your response and so they may have to look elsewhere. Also, it will become your solid fence but you have the freedom who you choose to let in or to close off, so no further manipulation may occur. If you have peace in your heart doing it, then this becomes between God and you alone, no one else.

Otherwise, I suggest, refer to the lessons I explained in Responses No.s 1 and 2.

<h5>I highly recommend "Boundaries". There are many valuable lessons that people can learn about the other side of love and service/servanthood but we don't hear so often taught or shared. Personally, for me, it has changed my life dramatically. I have gained some insights from this book that I can put into practice and apply in my daily existence.</h5>

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I hope this post has given you valuable insights about when to say yes or how to say no, that is setting boundaries within yourself and with other people. If you have any feedback or additional input or strategy on boundaries, please leave a comment below. Thank you for reading. 

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