For most of my life, I've asked questions. When I was little I would drive my mom nuts with all my questions, and it wasn't just regular questions, it was questions about every single thing I saw, touched or smelt. And the interrogation would go on for hours and hours, and I would think about the answers for days, think of new questions, and go back and ask them. I was relentless. I still am. When I came to Christ, I started asking the Holy Trinity all these questions, but instead of an interrogation I surrendered the questions and then God and I would work through them together.
Last year, when I lost two of my friends I stopped surrendering questions. I still asked plenty, but I refused to have a conversation about them. As time went by, the questions increased and grew much darker. I stopped believing that God is good, and that got me thinking that I may have never believed He was good in the first place. For more than a year I kept my mouth shut about this nagging inside of me. People would be all like, “Oooooh God is so so good...” and I would roll my eyes so hard and think, “STFU.” Every single time I did that the guilt would grow. And every time something else would happen where I'm like, “ARE YOU EVEN THERE?!”
When I eventually started sharing this thought people would gasp and say I don't have any right to think that God isn't good. Who am I? I would try and explain my thought pattern, and they'd say, “Everything happens for a reason” or the ever famous, out of context, Romans 8:28. If you don't know what that says, please read THE WHOLE ROMANS 8 for context and never ever use it to try and ease someone else's pain. Just shut up if it pops into your head. First, everything doesn't happen for a reason. And if you use that platitude I will ask you what is the reason for eight-year-old girls getting raped, and slavery, and murders etc. And I want a legitimate reason, which there will never be. Second, in those times where you don't know what to say, just keep silent. Silence is fine people. Nobody's ever died from silence, yeah some people go crazy, but you won't die. Crazy people are more fun anyway.
I have fits of rage, where I'm screaming and crying and snot's flying everywhere. I would punch walls, hurt my hand and curse so much. I have paralyzing depression and most days I don't want to get out of bed because there's literally no purpose. I would lie in bed just thinking how useless everything is, how useless I am. I read the news and bad things don't surprise me anymore, all I think is 'Mmm...seems about right'. This is obviously not a good place to be. A couple of weeks ago some person said, “If you're depressed, you're doing it wrong.” Well thanks for that crappy advice, I didn't know depression pointed to something that's wrong. Gah.
The other day at a conference I got to sit down with this counselor guy, he really knows what he's doing. Like, some people know what they're doing but other people, very few people, KNOW what they're doing. I gave him a very brief overview of my life and told him where I'm at and that I don't think God is good. His response was the best. Just, “Okay.”
See, here's the thing, somewhere, somehow I was taught that doubting and questioning God, is wrong. That we should obey and respect and apparently that means me can't ask questions or question authority. Have you read the Psalms? David is a manic depressant in some, questioning like he was born to question. And he was still a man after God's own heart, even though he went through ups and downs like a madman. I don't think God is a dictator that wants us to walk in one straight line never questioning where we're going or what He's doing. I think this was always meant to be a conversation between best friends. An open dialogue where anything goes and you can voice any question or any opinion. A friendship that's based on the idea that you will not be struck by lightning for bringing up something that's unconventional or counter-culture. A friendship where you can laugh and cry, where snot flies about and everything will be fine in the end. Sitting here, writing this I've come to know that God wants to have the 'He is not good' conversation with me. That He, once again, wants me to come and surrender my questions so that we can converse about them. How else do you get to know someone's heart than by listening intently?
In times where people were struggling with things, Jesus never quoted scripture. Yes, Jesus quoted scripture to the Pharisees and at the synagogue, but when He encountered people like the woman at the well, He offered Himself. He told her that He is what she is looking for, and she found Him right there. To the adulterous woman, He offered Himself, and she found Him. To the tax collectors, those inhabited by demons, the sick, the lame, the dead – He offered Himself, and they found Him. I'm just thinking that as a company of people who claim to love Jesus with everything we are, let's offer Jesus, let's offer The Body of Christ for people to come to. AS THEY ARE. No pre-requisites. Just Jesus. Let them talk, let them question, let them curse, let them scream. Let them say how much they hate God and then see how they encounter Him.
Just let Him work through you.
Get out of the way.
https://youtu.be/h3lWwMHFhnA