<div class="text-justify"> 

Not so long ago I caught up with a mate of mine for pizza and to tell some lies. He's a good chap, younger than me by almost ten years but a solid fellow, a good sort I mean. He has a good job, is responsible and would do just about anything for other people. He's someone I call *my bro* although we're not related at all and I can honestly say that I trust him - Not something I say lightly or often when it comes to people. 

My friend is a tough man, one of the most resilient I have known, but that night I saw him break down. It wasn't weakness of course, just the inability to cope with some of his past - I sat there silently whilst he had his moment then composed himself and we simply continued talking, telling ~~lies~~ truths and remembering different times, as if his moment had not occurred. It's what we do - No judgement, just acceptance.

Like myself, my friend shoots guns and hunts so conversation turned to a few hunting trips we'd done together, people we'd hunted with and as often happens turned to *killing*.

<center>![Copy of dazz (5).png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/galenkp/23ydCSi9ERUcAbQGxiMiE45fyMpFLHBwczfxLP9MEUTydirSmUt5utz68DPKVQjjeahuL.png)</center>

He finished retelling a story I'd heard a hundred times before about a chap from his workplace he had taken hunting some years ago who was intent on killing anything that moved, it was like he got-off on the killing, *despite not having shot anything in his life.* In the end my mate had to take the firearm away from him as he was concerned about the mental stability of the guy; It was a good call for sure and I would have done the same. 

Anyway, this got us talking about killing and we began discussing the *personal kill response stages* which refer to combat specifically. These stages are similar to the emotional stages people roll through when dying like *denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance*; Similar but also quite different. 
***

#### Concern

Studies show that one of the initial responses a soldier shows towards killing is concern over how they may do; Will they freeze up at the critical moment, *let the mates down.* Interestingly, this *concern* stage can lead to a fixation with killing, *obsession*, even before they have indeed killed. Of course, in war, this fixation often meets a conclusion through the act of killing and this can often come to pass in peacetime or civilian situations also. If there is no kill-act the obsession may be lived out in an imagined world, these days possibly through video games? A little disturbing to think of I'd say. I'll never understand why violent video games are so popular and parents let kids play them.  

#### Killing

Combat killing is often reflexive through constant training. However it is not uncommon for those on the battlefield to be unable to do so and in these cases will rationalise that inability or become fixated [traumatised] by it. Each will come with their own set of issues. 

#### Exhilaration

*Combat is exhilarating,* is what you'll hear most soldiers say if you're the sort of person they would feel comfortable to speak openly in front of. But there's dangers in that exhilaration. Combat addiction occurs in firefights, adrenalin is released and one can become *combat high* - Basically one feels like one is having a really good time and is oblivious to the dangers present. Intense for sure, but clearly dangerous, and not just because of the obvious dangers of the battlefield and being killed.

Wanting that *high* again and again is where the problems arise. Soldiers become addicted to the exhilaration and look for combat situations and the high one receives during it. 

This is depicted quite well in the movie *The Hurt Locker* where the explosive ordnance disposal (EOD) guy played by Jeremy Renner actively seeks dangerous situations and re-ups for another tour rather than accept his life at home with wife and child. He is addicted to the exhilaration of combat; The high he recieves. 

The act of killing can exacerbate this stage, similar to the way a hunter may feel the trill of pleasure at having taken down his or her target. Pleasure. Maybe I should say *satisfaction?* During research conducted on the subject by, Richard Holmes - *Act of War,* many veterans cited the satisfaction or exhilaration from having gunned down the enemy - They mention things like, *all those years of training and the excitement of it, like the first time one goes deer hunting.* 

It is said that killing at distance is more likely to bring fixation on this particular stage possibly through the detachment found from long-range kills. 

It is common for pilots and snipers to be this way as the physical distance from the kill is usually quite far. Pilots in particular are quite open with talking about the exhilaration of the kill, also something depicted in many Hollywood movies. Top Gun with Tom Cruise comes to mind - The end scene when the F14's battle the MIG's. There's a lot whooping and enjoyment depicted. 

Mostly snipers will not do the same, possibly due to the social stigma that exists against saying one finds killing in combat enjoyable.

#### Remorse

I mentioned long-range kills above and that research shows it is more likely to be accepted more easily by the soldier on the battlefield; Close-range killing is different. In fact, there is a tremendous amount of remorse, disgust and revulsion attached to close-range killing by a vast majority of soldiers. 

Interestingly many veterans say they identify with the humanity of those they have killed and many are overwhelmed by that emotion which, of course, causes many problems. Many soldiers are so affected by it they become focused on never killing again therefore become ineffective and incapable of engaging in combat. This is something that happened in the First World War so often - The medics called it *shell-shock*. It was, of course, *PTSD and moral injury* gained through the pain and horror of combat. 

These days some effort is made to prepare warriors for combat and the emotions brought about by it, but those efforts are angled towards building effective soldiers not helping them cope when discharged. The remorse is real and to the government's shame little effort is made to assuage the emotion in those leaving active service and it's those men and women who will deal with it for the rest of their lives. 

#### Acceptance and rationalisation

Accepting what one has done is a lifelong process and is likely to never be complete to any degree of satisfaction. The remorse and guilt stays, ebbs and flows; Usually the best one can hope for is a feeling of acceptance that what one has done was necessary and *right* within the context of their service. Most don't find it.

A soldier may rationalise the kill in varied ways; The US sniper, Kris Kyle, was adamant that each kill he made *saved many American lives,* which is a fairly common rationalisation. There are many others of course - *You would have done the same in my place.* The kill or be killed ethos. Often rationalisation of the kill is unconscious but often the soldier *knows* he must do it and actively seeks to find the rationale in any way they are able and can you blame a soldier for doing so? I would hope you do not.

If you talk to enough combat veterans you'll hear them refer to difficulty sleeping and justifiably so. However studies also show that acceptance and rationalisation can come through dreams themselves. Many experience dreams of their victims who ask why they were killed. In the dream the soldier explains to dream-victim which, as you may already deduce, is the soldier rationalising it to himself in his dream-state. 
***

Ok, so I think that's enough for now.

That night, over pizza and a few drinks, my mate and I spoke about the above in great detail. I have merely outlined a few concepts around the *personal kill response stages* here and I must apologise if it's too heavy for some of you. This is real though and people deal with this situation day and night, maybe even someone *you know* suffers through it. 

It is a lifelong battle for many veterans which is why phrases like *the war is over but the fight continues* exist. 

Some will find acceptance within themselves, the ability to deal with what they have done; Some will fail and pay the price of that failure. Either way, most often, the blame lies elsewhere. 

Governments around the world fail their veterans so completely and have a lot to answer for. Sure, it's easy to say *there should be no war* but there is, and it's human beings that do the fighting...It would be nice to see the governments, that are so eager to send their people into battle, take some responsibility rather than chewing them up and spitting them out. But that's not profitable I guess. 

Lest we forget.

</div>

***
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - *Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind*

<sub>Discord: galenkp#9209</sub>

<sub>Some reference has been taken from the book *On Killing* by Lt. Col. D Grossman.</sub>
<sub>Image is my own.</sub>