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Saying something: Part Six - Don't defend by galenkp

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· @galenkp ·
$13.25
Saying something: Part Six - Don't defend
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I've listened to a lot of people in my life and have benefitted from hearing and understanding many of them. Listening is an excellent skill, one learns more listening than talking. I had an idea to do a little series of posts about things I've heard people say and which I've taken away, thought over and applied to my life. I'll keep these posts quite short but hope someone reads something they can fit into their own life. Here goes.
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#### Never defend criticism

I rarely feel the need to defend myself when verbally attacked, judged or criticised, it's an empty action and it doesn't come with reward, it simply opens the door to additional commentary from people who don't deserve that opportunity. If I ever do feel the need to defend myself I slap myself across the face (figuratively speaking) and snap out of it.

People are entitled to their opinions whether they're right or wrong and are even entitled to voice them though people should know when to stay silent. We cannot control what others think, say or do but we can certainly control how we respond and defending oneself in cases like this rarely has the effect we intend. 

I'm not saying it's best not to respond at all however sometimes that's the best course of action, but there's a lot to be said for an answer that closes off the opportunity for further comment and to show no signs of being annoyed, hurt or angry over the comments. Of course, if it's constructive criticism from someone who's opinion is valued then it's wise to ask for more, to delve into the comments and use it as a lesson and momentum to improve. The lack of a continuous improvement ethos is a travesty so find it if you don't have it. 

I once retorted to a vitriolic tirade criticising me by saying, *the list of my flaws and fallibilities is long and I work on them every day.* The other person didn't quite know what to say and slunk away...an excellent result. 




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*Design and create your ideal life, tomorrow isn't promised* - galenkp

<sub>[Original and AI free]</sub>
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@beelzael ·
$0.14
It certainly makes life easier to non-act that way. Less stressful, at the least. And it basically makes you win every argument, as the commentator is stuck with their negative comment. So, while you're still at 0, they're in the negative. 

The acknowledgement of one's flaws is even better. Just the act of recognizing one's imperfection makes it clear that you're on a different level, again taking away all the arguments the other has. Beautiful. 


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@galenkp ·
Exactly right, it means one can walk away after taking affirmative action (choosing not to defend and walk away instead) feeling like the victor. 

I was only saying to someone last night, that user who was abusing the blockchain in various ways was telling me that, *the devil will come for me and give me what I deserve.*

I laughed at that of course because it's hilarious, but wrote back, "I *am* the fucken devil." That was that, nothing more to say, takes away the argument. Their comment/attack was meaningless and there was no point trying to defend against it. 

Just a small example of what you say above I guess. 

Note: I'm not the devil. (Or am I?) 😋

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@beelzael ·
That depends on *why* you're using the technique. I can see two aspects to that - the one you describe, preserving your energy and being focused on self-preservation, and the eogistic one, where you use this to show your superiority, to boost your ego in making the other one small. 

There is a satisfaction in being able to insult the other without them understanding, let alone comprehending the insult. Have them walk away with their insult. That's the ego-side of it. That's the devil inside of us.

Not judging here, just in case. I don't know anyone wise and balanced enough to pull of a 100% pure move of non-action *only* for the sake of non-action. 
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@bozz ·
$0.14
This fits really well with the Let Them book that I just read.  It's hard not to take things personally, especially when it's specifically directed at you, but I've been learning to let that sort of stuff go as I get older.
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@galenkp ·
$0.03
Taking it personally gives others the power to dictate to you, your thoughts attitudes and actions; it's best to take control of those things for yourself. 
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@bozz ·
Yes, indeed!
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@cryptofairy ·
$0.08
What I feel is that sometimes to defend ourselves we do need to speak, it might not be the situations of small argument or a random comment but there are times when it's truly need to reply  back to end that conservation because some people who are actually jealous of us or hate us keep on passing sorts of comments to make us feel low, at that time there is need for a powerful line(fitting in that situation suitably) that can make the other person quite and silent forever because sometimes only listening doesn't solve the purpose out!
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@galenkp ·
Silence is the best response. When you talk, they can talk back, it gives them power and it generally exacerbates the situation. 

Also speaking of power, to allow someone to make you feel "low" is on you not then, it's *you giving them the power to make you feel that way and you allowing yourself to feel that way*, when you actually have the power to not allow yourself to feel that way.
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@davideownzall ·
$0.14
I'm 100% agreeing with you on this because that's what I do aswell, why waste time and effort to answer critics of people that first you don't care about and second you already know are not going to change opinion? It's just pointless... Just close it off already and let them keep their idea, they won't change it anyways 
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@galenkp ·
Pointless indeed, and it's better to put one's energy into walking away and getting on with things. Trying to defend oneself like this only serves to water time. People who value you and who really matter won't attack, and those who do are...not worth the time spent dealing with. They can't change the opinion a person has of themselves unless that person lets them. Best not to let them. Walk away.  
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@deirdyweirdy ·
$0.51
In the interests of avoiding drama, I treat everything as a compliment unless the evidence to the contrary is overwhelming. As you said, jumping into defensive mode rarely has the effect you anticipate.
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@galenkp ·
Yep, that's *taking the power back* and controlling how you think and feel rather than handing the power over to the other and allowing them to dictate how it is you feel. Unfortunately people the later more than the former. 
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@gooddream ·
$0.15
I don't know if it is what you are aiming for in your write-up but as far as confrontation is concerned I have become somewhat of an expert as I get older.  I have found that  I will just agree with people no matter how wrong they are rather than get into an argument.  I mean, in person that is.   There are some people out there that just seem to want to argue about anything and that just brings down everyone's day, probably including their own.   One nice side-effect of all of this is that for the people that are truly messed up and trying to get a rise out of you, this actually makes them upset that you aren't fighting back.  Killing them with kindness and all that, I guess.   
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@galenkp ·
A lot of people just want to be right all the time so will disagree with others.

In social situations proving oneself right is t a good way to make friends and build relationships so it's. It something I do. Like you, I have dialogues around it, and instead of "being right" ask more about their perspective and thoughts which keeps conversation going and the chance for a good outcome. Worst case scenario is I waste some time with someone I know I'll never want to connect with, best case scenario is that a relationship which provides value ensues. 

As for the situation in respect of "willful antagonists" trying to illicit a reaction, yep, not giving them one is a good way to go. 

Well said by you, *huzzah!* 
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@jacobtothe · (edited)
$0.14
My general rule, even in the relative anonymity of the internet, is to criticize *ideas* and *arguments* rather than the people stating them. Politicians are an exception, but most of them probably don't deserve to be called "people" anyway.
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@galenkp ·
$0.03
Yep, focus on the fact and issue, but so many people struggle with this I guess, or are not intelligent enough to do so, and end up attacking the individual and things spiral out of control, especially on the internet. 
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@seattlea ·
$0.14
One case I would not use your great reply of: 
>the list of my flaws and fallibilities is long and I work on them every day

is when listening to my wife's criticism 😀
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@galenkp ·
Indeed, I agree on this one for sure. 😆
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