create account

Stuff your "nice" by honeydue

View this thread on: hive.blogpeakd.comecency.com
· @honeydue ·
$83.42
Stuff your "nice"
I'm never sure what's expected of me when people complain. Or no, scratch that. I'm not sure what I'm meant to do when people create for themselves unhappy situations and then come crying about it. 

**You did not just stumble into your life by accident. Presumably, there were several crossroads until here where you made certain choices, trade-offs, and assessments. Life does not just happen to you, and you disregard that vital sense of agency at your own peril.**

I don't know exactly where I got tired of her complaining to me. Might've been further back than I care to remember. After all, sympathy and common decency so often serve to guilt us into inappropriate submission. Because there is a certain guilt. By all accounts, this woman is trapped in unfortunate situations and while I've spent long hours disseminating with her her situation, I can't help but admit (quietly, privately, to myself) that they are of her own making. Not just in the past, but are chosen actively in the present.

She has about her this sense of things happening *to* her, but seldom of doing things or being in charge of things. Which does beg the question - if you're not in charge of your own life, who the hell is? It also makes me wonder how much sympathy I can afford, and moreover, how long before this sort of thinking seeps into my own life.

Much as we like to disregard this fact, we take after the people we hold in close proximity. How many times can I listen to you talk about life happening at you before I start going about my own days in the same manner? As I believe I've made quite evident on my blog here, I refuse to be someone life happens *to*.


![WhatsApp Image 2025-02-17 at 14.59.20.jpeg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/honeydue/AKCG1TVJUJ1ZqB2q6xgMCfcJcbLCkhC1WrKjYvYfousgLjy9UunUsbCuu88uTW9.jpeg)


So I become mean. Uncaring. Cold. And a small slew of other words we use to describe people (women, in particular, because women are expected to be more agreeable and "nice" than men, on average), but what can one do?


You know, I wonder sometimes about compassion, whether we're going around with a definition of it that's a little wrong. Would it really be more compassionate to sit and make sympathetic noises every time one of these chronic self-flagellators comes to complain? 

"People don't want your advice, they just want your sympathy."

And I try as I can to offer it, but nobody said anything about it being limitless. And frankly, I fail to see it as helpful, indulging people by commiserating in the same shitty situations they've kept themselves trapped in for years.

It doesn't seem that useful to me to go "poor you"  knowing full well they'll be back in a week or two with the same bleeding problem, having made no effort to change their situation. In fact, it seems actively unhelpful keeping them in a constant supply of "poor you"s.

It's not "nice" to anyone encouraging people to stay down.

We do it, of course, so that when our time in the mud comes, they'll provide the proverbial shoulder for us. You bitch about your work/husband/family and I bitch about mine, isn't that how it's supposed to work?

**Except, whatever happened to finding for ourselves jobs, husbands and families we don't feel the need to bitch about on a regular basis?**

I don't personally feel much call to bitch about what I do or who I spend time with. And am reminded frequently of how lucky I am to have that. How fortunate - great, more inexplicable good fortune that I'm expected to feel guilty about, even more fuel for these people.

"Of course, there's lucky bastards like me who don't have anything to complain about (or who perhaps simply refuse to engage in that self-sabotaging practice of poisoning the social well), but I'm not one of them. I just have no luck. That's for other people. The people with good lives."

Obviously, there's some tremendous privilege across the landscape. I'm reminded every day of how lucky I am to have been born here and at this moment in time and to be wanted and all those things I frequently write about. But other than that? I do think a good deal of selection and effort comes into it.

Striving.

In other words, I don't attribute this life I seldom complain about to sheer *good luck*. And I know well what it is to reap validation from other people's lukewarm commiseration. I know it doesn't fill my cup. So I have tried to build a life for myself where my validation and sense of self-worth are not reliant on such practices.

Lucky me...?

I don't consider myself particularly responsible for the misfortunes in somebody else's life. Don't like your job? You're young. Find something you like. (Not always appropriate, but it is in this case) You're not happy in your relationship? Then get the hell out. But don't go making those choices and trade-offs willy-nilly, then blame everyone but the person responsible the rest of your life. 

It's not a *nice* way to be.

---

*Why is this here?* Because even as I may struggle at times with physical minimalism, I think that's only one aspect of a broader mindframe. I believe minimalism is about crafting with intention a life in which you are proud and content and don't frequently complain about. I think it's about reducing the noise that keeps us from achieving that higher purpose in this life and navigating social relationships outside of the status quo. *But what do I know?*

![banner.jpeg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/honeydue/23xenJQwfvZrY2Y8utpb4U7Y16fz9CWcViTC2AkprN2TYiNN7i4tNYceoauYh2oxA9XzM.jpeg)




πŸ‘  , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , and 132 others
properties (23)
authorhoneydue
permlinkstuff-your-nice
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata"{"app":"peakd/2025.2.3","format":"markdown","description":"I mean, I'm sorry, but what did you expect?","tags":["social","people","relationships","peace","mindfulness","boundaries","freedom","happiness","gratitude","proofofbrain"],"users":[],"image":["https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/honeydue/AKCG1TVJUJ1ZqB2q6xgMCfcJcbLCkhC1WrKjYvYfousgLjy9UunUsbCuu88uTW9.jpeg","https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/honeydue/23xenJQwfvZrY2Y8utpb4U7Y16fz9CWcViTC2AkprN2TYiNN7i4tNYceoauYh2oxA9XzM.jpeg"]}"
created2025-02-19 07:09:00
last_update2025-02-19 07:09:00
depth0
children12
last_payout2025-02-26 07:09:00
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value41.727 HBD
curator_payout_value41.696 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length5,564
author_reputation868,691,607,954,149
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,894,586
net_rshares197,551,877,898,054
author_curate_reward""
vote details (196)
@ablaze · (edited)
Interesting reflections. I have many of the people you describe in my broader circles and I can understand your point of view.

For a long time, like you I tried to fix things for people, give good advice etc. but these days I just listen. That's what they often want is just a friendly ear so they can verbalise their thoughts. For some that alone helps and you just need to listen emphatically to help them along. Listening is a real skill and in this modern world of distractions, it is an ever shrinking skill people have, not to say you don't have it, but you know what I mean.

I need to actively work on that though, as my engineering mind always wants to fix things, I'm good at that, but I try to hold fire and just listen unless some says the magic words "what would you do?" Or "Have you any advise" and then my inate fixer mode kicks in.

Just my sixpence worth my friend.
properties (22)
authorablaze
permlinksrxw1z
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"app":"hiveblog/0.1"}
created2025-02-19 16:49:09
last_update2025-02-19 16:52:09
depth1
children0
last_payout2025-02-26 16:49:09
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.000 HBD
curator_payout_value0.000 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length884
author_reputation494,606,989,971,659
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,904,900
net_rshares0
@gabrielatravels ·
The thing is, when you are used to living only in your comfort zone, it seems more and more like there are no better options, but the comfort zone is actually what represents the trickiest part in life with low to zero opportunities for self-development! 
properties (22)
authorgabrielatravels
permlinkre-honeydue-srxdj0
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"tags":["hive-194848"],"app":"peakd/2025.2.3","image":[],"users":[]}
created2025-02-19 10:08:51
last_update2025-02-19 10:08:51
depth1
children0
last_payout2025-02-26 10:08:51
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.000 HBD
curator_payout_value0.000 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length255
author_reputation975,519,842,595,512
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,896,732
net_rshares0
@graat ·
We are in charge of our lives and our choices. The more people act with this mindset the less reasons they will have for complaints. But some see complaining as the easy way out when it is not even a way out.
properties (22)
authorgraat
permlinkre-honeydue-srxf20
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"tags":["hive-194848"],"app":"peakd/2025.2.3","image":[],"users":[]}
created2025-02-19 10:42:00
last_update2025-02-19 10:42:00
depth1
children0
last_payout2025-02-26 10:42:00
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.000 HBD
curator_payout_value0.000 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length208
author_reputation46,351,996,837,903
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,897,290
net_rshares0
@harbiter ·
The eternal battle of complaining versus getting things done is raging in me since I was born. A neverending war that has the only purpose of slowing down my achievements in life. Fuckin brain, sometimes I just want to punch it and tell him to just stop and do what I say him to do.
properties (22)
authorharbiter
permlinkre-honeydue-srxrzo
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"tags":["hive-194848"],"app":"peakd/2025.2.3","image":[],"users":[]}
created2025-02-19 15:21:24
last_update2025-02-19 15:21:24
depth1
children0
last_payout2025-02-26 15:21:24
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.000 HBD
curator_payout_value0.000 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length282
author_reputation97,490,186,953,999
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,902,804
net_rshares0
@iamlovelykate ·
I notice a lot of people around me (even my friends) who complain about their situation but never really take action to change it. I get that it’s easier to stay in a familiar space, even if it’s not great, but I also believe we have to take responsibility for our choices. 
properties (22)
authoriamlovelykate
permlinkre-honeydue-srxeyu
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"tags":["hive-194848"],"app":"peakd/2025.2.3","image":[],"users":[]}
created2025-02-19 10:40:09
last_update2025-02-19 10:40:09
depth1
children0
last_payout2025-02-26 10:40:09
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.000 HBD
curator_payout_value0.000 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length274
author_reputation166,041,987,353,459
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,897,267
net_rshares0
@mightyrocklee ·
$0.05
Did you read 'The four agreements' by Miguel Ruiz? If not, you may like it. There are some ideas in that book so help with what you feel now.
πŸ‘  
properties (23)
authormightyrocklee
permlinksrxpm6
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"app":"hiveblog/0.1"}
created2025-02-19 14:30:06
last_update2025-02-19 14:30:06
depth1
children2
last_payout2025-02-26 14:30:06
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.026 HBD
curator_payout_value0.026 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length141
author_reputation106,694,070,863,984
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,901,735
net_rshares129,342,948,427
author_curate_reward""
vote details (1)
@honeydue ·
I haven't, but it looks useful indeed :) I'll search for it, thanks.
πŸ‘  
properties (23)
authorhoneydue
permlinkre-mightyrocklee-2025219t164137686z
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"type":"comment","tags":["ecency"],"app":"ecency/3.2.1-mobile","format":"markdown+html"}
created2025-02-19 14:41:36
last_update2025-02-19 14:41:36
depth2
children1
last_payout2025-02-26 14:41:36
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.000 HBD
curator_payout_value0.000 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length68
author_reputation868,691,607,954,149
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,902,024
net_rshares0
author_curate_reward""
vote details (1)
@mightyrocklee · (edited)
Basically there is a chapter telling how every person is living in their own world, inside their head, and whatever they do, is mostly making sense in their head, and it is not aimed at you personally, they got their own drama, and for this reason, you should not take anything personally and realise that most of the time is not really related to you.
properties (22)
authormightyrocklee
permlinksrxrsc
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"app":"hiveblog/0.1"}
created2025-02-19 15:17:00
last_update2025-02-19 15:17:21
depth3
children0
last_payout2025-02-26 15:17:00
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.000 HBD
curator_payout_value0.000 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length352
author_reputation106,694,070,863,984
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,902,719
net_rshares0
@millycf1976 ·
$0.06
> It seems actively unhelpful keeping them in a constant supply of "poor you"s.

That's true!

I agree that it's never nice listening to complaints knowing that the person has brought them onto themselves, and I guess when I listen to such complainers, they don't like it when I point that out to them πŸ˜†

Some people like drama and are indeed not receptive of solutions:)


πŸ‘  
properties (23)
authormillycf1976
permlinkre-honeydue-srxat2
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"tags":["hive-194848"],"app":"peakd/2025.2.3","image":[],"users":[]}
created2025-02-19 09:10:15
last_update2025-02-19 09:10:15
depth1
children0
last_payout2025-02-26 09:10:15
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.028 HBD
curator_payout_value0.029 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length374
author_reputation327,520,652,223,823
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,896,007
net_rshares139,964,792,725
author_curate_reward""
vote details (1)
@minimalistliving ·
$0.06
![Minimalist Cover Gif-7.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/minimalistliving/23tmDLzzD4AWY44XBUz4doo3aNmV6D8fPV2WQzYFKMyaBRX5s1QWrfTEh3sSuEnHwgfH1.jpg)
πŸ‘  
properties (23)
authorminimalistliving
permlinkre-honeydue-srxafz
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"tags":["hive-194848"],"app":"peakd/2025.2.3","image":["https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/minimalistliving/23tmDLzzD4AWY44XBUz4doo3aNmV6D8fPV2WQzYFKMyaBRX5s1QWrfTEh3sSuEnHwgfH1.jpg"],"users":[]}
created2025-02-19 09:02:27
last_update2025-02-19 09:02:27
depth1
children0
last_payout2025-02-26 09:02:27
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.028 HBD
curator_payout_value0.029 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length162
author_reputation63,728,296,276,534
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,895,907
net_rshares139,124,703,969
author_curate_reward""
vote details (1)
@roswelborges ·
While it is true that there are many variables in our lives that do not depend on us, I do consider that others depend on our decisions.
Excellent reflection that I hope will serve as motivation and analysis for many.
Greetings!
properties (22)
authorroswelborges
permlinkre-honeydue-2025219t2025454z
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"tags":["social","people","relationships","peace","mindfulness","boundaries","freedom","happiness","gratitude","proofofbrain"],"app":"ecency/4.0.3-vision","format":"markdown+html"}
created2025-02-20 01:25:09
last_update2025-02-20 01:25:09
depth1
children0
last_payout2025-02-27 01:25:09
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.000 HBD
curator_payout_value0.000 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length228
author_reputation27,056,819,139,628
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,914,572
net_rshares0
@sanjeevm ·
> I believe minimalism is about crafting with intention a life in which you are proud and content and don't frequently complain about.

Eternal happiness comes from within, unfortunately, at times, people in our surroundings disturb them, and we have to live like a saint to ignore them.
πŸ‘  
properties (23)
authorsanjeevm
permlinkre-honeydue-srzi32
categoryhive-194848
json_metadata{"tags":["hive-194848"],"app":"peakd/2025.2.3","image":[],"users":[]}
created2025-02-20 13:42:36
last_update2025-02-20 13:42:36
depth1
children0
last_payout2025-02-27 13:42:36
cashout_time1969-12-31 23:59:59
total_payout_value0.000 HBD
curator_payout_value0.000 HBD
pending_payout_value0.000 HBD
promoted0.000 HBD
body_length287
author_reputation693,936,387,122,234
root_title"Stuff your "nice""
beneficiaries[]
max_accepted_payout1,000,000.000 HBD
percent_hbd10,000
post_id140,924,705
net_rshares0
author_curate_reward""
vote details (1)