![art-1839006_1920.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmXqhcDDYV4TG8LXxHEShnzMoHtNZV98dAEHe2agL2E3Fd/art-1839006_1920.jpg)

*Ten years ago I started dating a guy who I really liked. He was thoughtful, creative, kind and understanding. We could talk for hours discussing in depth so many different topics. Not to mention what a good listener he was!  
Although everything was going great I started to notice that we were quite different in a particular way. For example, compared to me, he had the very opposite idea of fun. I would love to go out, meet new friends, go to a club or travel every chance we had. He would rather stay home, meet one or two close friends, avoid every single party we were invited at and try to escape all my attempts to visit new places. I was quite aware that this was a big issue since one of the things that bonds a couple and makes partners happy with each other is how they spend their spare time. I really liked him but I realized that our personal differences might drive us apart. I was sure that we were going to break up eventually.* 

*Well, surprisingly, we didn’t. Not only we continued to love each other’s company but after a year of dating we moved in together. Five years later we got married.*

## What is introversion and extraversion anyway? 


*It was obvious – he was an introvert and I was an extravert. We perceived the world in a different way.* 

It was Karl Gustav Jung who talked for the first time about extraversion and introversion as dimensions of personality (Jung, 1921).  Put in short, extraversion and introversion are personality traits which describe how a person directs their energy - either outwardly toward people and activities or inwardly toward thoughts and ideas. If you enjoy meeting new people, having small talk or partying, you are probably an extravert. If you would rather read a nice book, have a deep discussion or have a Friday night with a nice movie instead of clubbing, you are probably an introvert. 

We can easily understand Extraversion and Introversion if we see them as two extremes of a continuum. People may find themselves at different points of the continuum. For example, we could both be extraverts, but you could still be a little bit more extraverted than me. 

![Extraversion_vs_Introversion.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmchHeCyKmWwkofD88DjJjxoT9RfdyHXh1JUKM42sBKvnA/Extraversion_vs_Introversion.jpg)

We are all stimulated by the environment as we interact with it. And everyone has a certain level of tolerance to environmental stimuli. When environmental stimulation crosses this line we get overstimulated. As a result, we feel exhausted and overwhelmed. However, there is a difference in how introverts and extraverts respond. Introverts’ level of tolerance is lower and they get overstimulated more easily. They react to the environment in a more sensitive way than extraverts ([Geen,1984](http://psycnet.apa.org/record/1984-28698-001)). Interesting fact is that introverts even salivate more as a response to a drop of lemon juice on their tongue! ([Corcoran,1964](https://www.jstor.org/stable/1420140?newaccount=true&read-now=1&seq=3#page_scan_tab_contents)). 

## What makes you an introvert or an extravert? 

Back in 1956 H.Eysenck ([Eysenck]( https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/0001691856900105)) studied whether there is a genetic factor in manifesting as an introvert or an extravert. There was a strong correlation between extraversion amongst identical than fraternal twins. The finding suggested that inheritance plays a big role in determining these personality traits.
 
A more recent study found that there is a link between extraversion and brain structure. Extraversion was linked to thicker pre-cuneus and smaller superior temporal cortex area. Simply put, our brains differ in structure and this has an impact in one’s personality. ([Riccelli et al, 2017](https://academic.oup.com/scan/article/doi/10.1093/scan/nsw175/2952683/Surface-based-morphometry-reveals-the)). 

Of course environmental factors could also play a role. [Erik Noftle and Phillip Shaver (2006)](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0092656605000097?showall%3Dtrue%26via%3Dihub) found that mother-child relationship defines whether an individual would be more extravert or introvert. This means that it is more likely for a child to become an extravert if the mother is available, responsive and attentive to her child’s needs. (you can read more about that issue in my previous [post](https://steemit.com/psychology/@insight-out/how-much-holding-is-bad-for-your-baby)).

Could you learn how to be more introverted or extraverted? Yes, sure, you can. You could learn how to enjoy a quiet night at home with your spouse, if you are an extravert, or how to engage in small talk with people you don’t know, if you are an introvert. But still, you would rather go out with friends in the first case or keep silence and listen than talk in the latter case scenario.  

*When my husband was a teenager his Mom was very worried that he would never have a girlfriend as he stayed at home and played Star Craft all the time. A friend of hers tried to calm her saying that “a true girlfriend” would find him at home and there was no need to go out. So, guess where we met?! Yes, that’s right, we met **at his place** at a party thrown by his roommate.*


## Why is this such a big deal? 

There is an extremely extravert world out there. Actually, every aspect of today’s life is not introvert-friendly (Cain,  2013). Let’s see an example. Imagine you are an introvert. First, you have to deal with nursery and school, where team work and bonding are appreciated. Not to forget all these awful school plays you have to survive somehow. Your teacher would be probably concerned about you not engaging enough with others and would call your Mom and Dad to talk about this issue. It is somehow assumed that not engaging with others  is… well, “not normal”, so you will probably believe that there is something wrong with you. When you go to college, you would think you have finally managed to escape it all. But, no. Presentations, speaking in front of an audience, team projects, parties, roommates – the nightmare never ends. Then you found this awesome job where you don’t have to work in a team… BUT you have to participate in all office meetings, team-buildings and those noisy and over-crowded office Christmas parties. Not an easy life to live, for sure... 

Furthermore, researchers observed a correlation between extraversion and happiness. (e.g..[Argyle et. Al., 1990](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/019188699090128E), [Costa, 1980](http://psycnet.apa.org/record/1981-10468-001)). Does this mean that introverts are doomed to be unhappy? Well, not necessarily. Some findings suggest that there just might be such a thing like “happy introverts”. The authors hypothesize that what affects happiness could be the way people choose to achieve it rather than how extraverted they are ([Hill et.al, 2001](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886900000581)). 

*Living in a world which appreciates extraverted behavior more is an everyday  fight, which must affect one’s perception of subjective well-being. Just thinking out loud.*


## How did we make it work? 
![tic-tac-toe-1777859_1920.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmX6YmXjMBghM596y9JZ45SFh5pwgPTYMNXXuXgb67GxpZ/tic-tac-toe-1777859_1920.jpg)

We had our rough times and we still have them from time to time. It was a long road until we got to the point of understanding and accepting each other. 

It was very difficult for me to realize that he was *really* feeling tired and overwhelmed after we had friends over. That he *is not* excited. That he *really* doesn’t want to have a birthday party. 
If we wanted to stay together we had to think of a way to deal with this issue. So we tried to find activities which we both liked. For example, we started hiking and camping – only the two of us. We had to compromise, though. I had to overcome my fear of being eaten by a bear because he wouldn’t like to share a room with strangers in a mountain hut and we would have to sleep in the wilderness. He had to overcome his joint pain because I would like to see as many places as we can while hiking. 

![ghost-575636_1280.png](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmeMirv5rkSpSSSE8FgrL9NGJo83DPAEo61NYQ8nut9PAx/ghost-575636_1280.png)
<center> **My husband is like a phantom. Everybody has heard about him, but nobody has ever seen him. Some of my friends might actually think that he is my imaginary friend.** </center>

It is still a struggle sometimes. For example, he said that I had “stolen” his 30th birthday. When it was coming, I asked him if he would like to go skiing for his birthday, because he had never skied before. He humbled something and I took it as an “Yes” (how convenient). So I booked a hotel. Guess what?! It turned out that he wasn’t paying attention what I was asking. So when the time came, I literally dragged him skiing. He liked it, though. But he still complains to our friends what I birthday monster I am. Instead of going skiing, he would rather stay home for his birthday. *For real!* 

![alien-1295486_1280.png](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYCkBqsfbLu3kA4uguPT9t59FyCfq5Adz68eVPnZkuFXq/alien-1295486_1280.png)
<center>**Meet me. The birthday monster.** </center>



So why am I bringing up this issue? Well, you might just have an introvert child or a colleague, or a spouse like me. Maybe you don’t quite understand them. I know I didn't and still don't sometimes. Or you are an introvert yourself?  Anyway, I hope this post makes it a little bit more easy for us - extraverts and introverts - to share a world together.  


References: 
Argyle, M, Lu, L. (1990). The Happiness of Extraverts. Personality and Individual Differences Volume 11, Issue 10, 1990, Pages 1011-1017
Cain, S. (2013). Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. Broadway Paperbacks, New York
Corcoran, D.W. (1964), The Relation between Introversion and Salivation ,The American Journal of Psychology , Vol. 77, No. 2 (Jun., 1964), pp. 298-300 
Costa, P. T., & McCrae, R. R. (1980). Influence of extraversion and neuroticism on subjective well-being: Happy and unhappy people. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 38(4), 668-678.
Diener, E., Sandvik, E., Pavot, W. and Fujita, F. (1992). Extraversion and subjective well-being in a U.S. national probability sample. Journal of Research in Personality. 26(3), 205-215
Eysenck, H. J. (1956). The inheritance of extraversion-introversion. Acta Psychologica. 12, 95-110.
Geen, R. G. (1984). Preferred stimulation levels in introverts and extroverts: Effects on arousal and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 46(6), 1303-1312. 
Hill, P, Argyle, M. (2001). Happiness, introversion–extraversion and happy introverts. Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 30, Issue 4, 595-608
Jung, C. G. and Godwyn Baynes, H. (1921). Psychologische Typen. Zurich: Rascher.
Magnus, K., Diener, E., Fujita, F. and Pavot, W. (1993). Extraversion and neuroticism as predictors of objective life events: A longitudinal analysis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 65(5), 1046-1053
Riccelli, R., Toschi, N., Nigro, S., Terracciano, A. and Passamonti, L. (2017). Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience. 2017 nsw175. 
Shaver, P. R. and Noftle, E. E. (2006). Attachment dimensions and the big five personality traits: Associations and comparative ability to predict relationship quality. Journal of Research in Personality. 40, 179-208.


https://personalitymax.com/personality-types/preferences/extraversion-introversion/
https://www.psychologistworld.com/influence-personality/extraversion-introversion
https://www.psychologies.co.uk/self/revenge-of-the-introverts.html



Images (under CC0 Creative Commons): 

https://pixabay.com/en/art-fingers-heart-love-pair-1839006/
https://pixabay.com/en/goblin-creature-monster-character-575638/
https://pixabay.com/en/alien-monster-print-science-fiction-1295486/
https://pixabay.com/en/tic-tac-toe-love-heart-play-1777859/