I walked outside after my therapist told me to forgive myself. Here’s the story. by ishwoundedhealer

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hive-122727 · @ishwoundedhealer · Feb 7 '23 (edited)

$18.38

I walked outside after my therapist told me to forgive myself. Here’s the story.

Hi, dear readers of Hive! I’ll say this directly: Healing is hard. To truly heal deep within, we must master the art of loving ourselves.

![20230206_164412.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/ishwoundedhealer/244eC9uPuNMod45QaMpfuf2wwJs3FJ1zNgnWWMjJwgGuNE7XcbVJmtN9tVb1v2QFW8SN7.jpg)

But even in any craft, we find ourselves overwhelmed by the work we need to do and the many hours we need to put in. New callouses appear in my knuckles, and my tools break.

Sometimes, when everything else feels too daunting, I step out for a moment and take in nature.

![20230206_165318.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/ishwoundedhealer/23u67LL9yEaSiaxyC3gNa1FMFqPveEABBNykVkkveWvm7YiBtMaZFBAtd17uEV12i9Yxd.jpg)

**My most emotional session yet**
It was probably a year after I started therapy and I haven’t once teared up in front of my therapist. I was describing to him horrible events in my life, yet nothing came out of my eye sockets. It has always been this way until I talked about my dog on June 2022.

That changed everything.

I felt a great sense of relief when he saw me cry. Finally, a healthy adult who won’t shame me for having emotions. As a result, it helped me open up more in the coming sessions.

Unfortunately, two months passed without seeing him, contributing to December and January’s emotional wreck. But last Feb 3, I met with him again and recalled how my nightmares typically involved my family and morbid scenes. My dog was somehow in the mix – cue the waterworks – and I couldn’t stop crying.

Thankfully, he was able to make connections between my nightmares and my emotional suffering. I’m still working on registering what he meant, but these are my notes:
- I cope with the pain inflicted on me by others (gun to my head) by punishing myself (taking the bullet) = strong feelings of guilt
- I have a great emotional need to be loved after what happened (seeing my dog) and I’m blaming myself for not being there for them = self-blame

![20230206_164517.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/ishwoundedhealer/23y8z6dv1rWMotQxbvXEPQyjNYC181AkqLDJ5rkDVWhPZnuVGM7B3jDTqnVJSt3X9jiyY.jpg)

In between sobs, something clicked in my head. All the self-punishment I do comes from a learned behavior: It was how I saw my parents deal with their issues.

> “Edi ako na ang masama!” *(I'm the bad one!)*
“Edi ako na ang walang tamang nagawa!” *(I don't do anything right!)*
“Hindi ko na kaya! Suko na ako sa inyo!” *(I can't do this anymore! I give up!)*

As a kid, I learned that emotional shutdown was the answer and begging for my mother to stay in our lives was the key. My nightmares told me that I was still waiting for the day I would be truly loved.

**My new therapy assignment**
He told me to practice self-forgiveness, claiming it would help with my self-guilt and blame. Other psychologists supported this. [Brady (2019)](https://keirbradycounseling.com/self-forgiveness/#:~:text=Self%2Dforgiveness%20enables%20you%20to,a%20process%20that%20takes%20time.) said that self-forgiveness will help us “separate who you are from the mistakes you have made.”

It just so happened that he made me list down how I know I’m forgiving someone based on my personality, so for example:

- I know I’m forgiving someone if I can talk about the issue with them objectively (I’m a communicator)
- I know I’m forgiving someone if I can spend time with them (My love language is quality time)
- I know I’m forgiving someone if I can laugh with them (I’m the clown of the friend group)

Now, I have to learn how to do those things by myself.

**First step: Be with nature**
Where do I even begin? If my assignment says I have to be with me, at least I should bring my inner child with me. They’re just the younger parts of me that were hurt in this mess too.

> Then I heard my grade school self say, “Let’s go outside! See the trees please.”

![20230206_164717.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/ishwoundedhealer/243WPbgC5Gw72QXG6UyehPYRorQjCh4camZLzDyENEVbSGnhGxsWRzXbm6d6niEvAc1ZC.jpg)

![20230206_164440.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/ishwoundedhealer/242rkipvajA4Sy5v6QvMUGzuBgffds6henDZukS78jB9yhtHgwr8hE53VzWJ63SGk4bWL.jpg)

![20230206_164530.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/ishwoundedhealer/23tbyeB67nxGDE2egPdTCc63DkkE725eX69phFUPz26UXRYyAAzCxnkFP9yYSs6JwvmeP.jpg)

I happily complied and ended up across the prayer park that had a field. Some kids use it for volleyball or badminton sessions. Luckily, I found it all empty.

I let the wind carry my thoughts for a moment. Then I just sprinted with music playing in my headset.

I know this might not be self-forgiveness yet, but I’ll get there.

For now, I rest with Mother Earth.

![20230206_164352.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/ishwoundedhealer/244xymwDVKeTwdY7cZpwQsDy9vMDUvSft3RoZusEcpzLxtEigWnWp5XTS7FqEm3eqrmD8.jpg)

###### Thank you for reading! 💜
*How do you forgive yourselves? Please let me know in the comments below.*

*All photos are mine unless stated otherwise*

👍 ocdb, usainvote, quochuy, ocd, pishio, meritocracy, howo, ocd-witness, postpromoter, yintercept, takowi, justbekindtoday, dcityrewards, myegoandmyself, therealyme, steempress, soulsdetour, kevinwong, exyle, dcrops, someguy123, rima11, felander, smartvote, daan, newsflash, emrebeyler, tpkidkai, walterjay, eonwarped, dlike, lhes, stayten, roelandp, pgm-curator, drricksanchez, trangbaby, ma1neevent, detlev, jlsplatts, erikaflynn, sanderjansenart, spydo, bisayanibai, kellyane, yaluna, gerber, justinw, makerhacks, jayna, askari, senseiphil, gniksivart, bluepark, the-burn, steem.leo, minas-glory, marblely, kedi, steem.services, sommylove, wholesamdiaries, zyx066, hanyabee, and 130 others
👎 xocdb

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@demotry · Feb 7 '23

😊

👍 ishwoundedhealer

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@hivebuzz · Feb 7 '23

Congratulations @ishwoundedhealer! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain And have been rewarded with New badge(s)

<table><tr><td><img src="https://images.hive.blog/60x70/http://hivebuzz.me/@ishwoundedhealer/replies.png?202302051943"></td><td>You got more than 200 replies.<br>Your next target is to reach 300 replies.</td></tr>
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<sub>_You can view your badges on [your board](https://hivebuzz.me/@ishwoundedhealer) and compare yourself to others in the [Ranking](https://hivebuzz.me/ranking)_</sub>
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👍 ishwoundedhealer

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@missleray · Feb 7 '23

Prayer is the best weapon we can have in times of trouble. You can cry and even shed tears at him. ☺️
I am happy you found your way to healing. God bless.

👍 ishwoundedhealer

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@mooontivated · Feb 12 '23

Forgiveness makes us much stronger

👍 ishwoundedhealer

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@yintercept · Feb 7 '23

$0.03

I think our governments made a huge mistake by locking people indoors during the pandemic.

Getting outside and in the sun helps develop the immune system. People with a strong immune system fared better than those who stayed indoors.

Nature helps people heal. I hope you are able to spend more time outdoors.

👍 dustsweeper, ishwoundedhealer

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`curator_payout_value`	0.014 HBD
`pending_payout_value`	0.000 HBD
`promoted`	0.000 HBD
`body_length`	312
`author_reputation`	23,962,343,431,134
`root_title`	"I walked outside after my therapist told me to forgive myself. Here’s the story. "
`beneficiaries`	`[]`
`max_accepted_payout`	1,000,000.000 HBD
`percent_hbd`	10,000
`post_id`	120,560,208
`net_rshares`	55,080,444,735
`author_curate_reward`	""

properties (23)vote details (2)

voter	weight	wgt%	rshares	pct	time
dustsweeper	0 B		50,845,085,004	6.39%
ishwoundedhealer	0 B		4,235,359,731	100%

@ishwoundedhealer · Feb 7 '23

![untitled.gif](https://media.tenor.com/uocxTQoo0qoAAAAC/catthankyou-cat.gif)

properties (22)