Instead of trying to choose between *Il Douche* or whichever shallow smarmy sloganeer scumbag the Democrats eventually nominate to challenge him, you should vote for me 2020. Why? It's simple. I am the clear combination of compromise and consistency!

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- More anti-war than the Democrats
- More pro-gun than the Republicans
- More pro-immigration than the Democrats
- More anti-crime than the Republicans
- More anti-corporate-welfare than the Democrats
- More pro-market than the Republicans
- More pro-equality than the Democrats
- More anti-tax than the Republicans

The questions of gay marriage, education standards, abortion, drugs, etc. don't belong in the hands of the federal government at all. We need more choice, not more central planning. Taxation is theft, and corporate cronies who benefit from subsidies, bailouts, and regulatory capture will have to stand or fall on their own merits instead. Bureaucracy kills progress, and safeguards only the futures of the bureaucratic class. The principle of liberty is more important than past partisan positions.

But then, I can't actually be President, because I know the office itself is illegitimate in the first place, and as a Quaker, I will swear no oaths. Besides, your ballot can't legitimately place your neighbor under the authority of any third party against his will. Politics is a false choice fallacy presented in the form of a zero-sum game. It's a game of [Three-Card Monte,](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-card_Monte) and you're the mark. [A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WarGames)