I sit in my room and stare at the wall. My heavy breath sounds rhythmic and loud. My hands are tight, wet and warm. I don’t know what it is but I try to keep calm. What to do, where to go to? Why should I leave? The feeling of un-fulfillment and pain, it’s heavy to carry so I have to leave it behind. My thoughts are running wild. How to leave them behind; my fears, thoughts and my pain? I have no time to think about it. I have to go away. But I don’t know why. 

I get up and walk towards the wall. My heavy breath sounds rhythmic and loud. My hands are tight, wet and warm. I try to keep calm. What to take? What to leave behind? How much baggage do I need? And what should I prepare for? I grabbed a back and start packing. One, two no better three pairs of shoes. Or four. You never know. I have a look in my wardrobe and grab all my beloved shirts I can find. I fold each shirt with as much love as I can find in my heart and in my hands. I put them gently in the bag. I take my jeans. Maybe two. That will be enough. I can replace them. For sure. They don’t survive long anyway. 

I put all clothes together. My heavy breath sounds rhythmic and loud. My hands are tight, warm and wet. I try to keep calm. But how to pack? I try press each piece of cloth as much as I can. I need to compress my baggage. I sit on it, kick it and even punch it. I hope it fits now. I use all my power to press it as much as possible. The zipper moves. My baggage is almost ready to go. A little more. More power. More pressure, yes, almost there. The zipper finally closes. Totally. It is done. Everything fits in there. I am exhausted. I need to sit. I will not open the bag again. Never. I can never close it again. I don’t want to do this anymore. No.

I sit in my room and stare at the wall. My heavy breath sounds rhythmic and loud. My hands are tight, warm and wet. I don’t know what it is but I try to keep calm. What to do? How should I carry this baggage, without any pain?