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Have you ever looked back at past pictures of yourself and wondered. 

This was the hairstyle I wanted as a senior in high school. Long, blonde hair — I was growing it out. 

It was a part of myself that I lost; and for what reason? My parents decisions seemed to defy reasonableness. So much so that I feel like a helpless victim, paralysed by betrayal. 

Was that love? 

My father told me that “real love is based in fear” — and that’s where I knew he was so confused himself. He had never been touched by the peace of universal compassion, apparently. He did not know how to love because he was never loved — in a way that caused him to differentiate fear from love. 

Should I hate him? 
Or shall I integrate those dark lessons my father taught me? 

When I looked at this old photo of myself; I see a new mother who had just saw a flick of herself for a moment. 

That hairstyle I always wanted, came. 
Just not as quickly as I expected. 

My father focused his energy on things he could not control. Living inside my house hold it was difficult to breath correctly. My escape was school, and they knew that. Maybe that’s why they were so eager to take it away. 

I became regardless of the environment. 
I grew into the person I saw in my minds eye.
And I can do that process again?

This time — I am aiming for my highest potential; not just a long hair style.