Just something I wrote today. If you can't handle mention of rape/abuse/suicide, avoid it. 

http://i.imgur.com/61Wj9qI.jpg

I can only distract myself with video games for so long
before I am fetal in the shower
sobbing as scalding water hits my face
images bombarding my psyche 

the obvious ones first,
my dead best friend
my murderous ex, those evil eyes
my mother, my mother,
I love you mom, even now,
even now that I realize...
how much you hurt me,
how neglectful you were to me,
I was just a little kid,
you don’t let your kid get raped.

but still I love you,
I know you hurt,
I know you were raped,
I know you hurt still,
I know you try to drink it away,
and I know it doesn’t work.
I know you sit in the shower,
scalding water hitting your face
sobbing,
thinking about your little girl.
but you are protecting your son,
you shouldn’t protect the rapist.

images from my childhood,
it wasn’t good, but some of it was,
the star chart, the beach, the puppet game,
the tickles,
thinking I had the best mommy in the world.
I thought that until I was 27,
when I told you what he did,
and you didn’t kick him out.
that’s when my world was really shattered.
that’s when I thought I couldn’t possibly take anymore.

and then Shawn left,
abruptly, and my world shattered a little more.
and then I dated an ex-con,
and that got pretty scary when he tried to kill me,
or when I had to fight to get that shot gun out of his mouth.
when I curled into the corner of the room covering my ears,
ready for the gunshot,
wondering how to handle seeing a grown man’s head blown off.
and then my best friend died, 

bashing my head into tile to stop myself,
to stop the broken record in my head:
kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself,
crying out audibly
“SHUT UP. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP”
but it didn’t, not for a long time,
and it still visits my some time,
but now I distract myself,
with video games,
pushing all the images out of my head.

you, my mother, my dead best friend,
that girl I used to be, the chances I never had.

and now it’s that time of year again,
all the reminders of the family,
the things I will never have. 
So, I sit in the shower and I cry.