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When did everything start to change? I used to love socializing, I used to make everyone laugh, and I used to feel like everyone liked me. Is it because I'm no longer someone who they used to know or is it because I'm trying so hard to hide my vulnerability. 

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Life used to be colorful, dreams used to be exciting, studying used to be fun but lately I feel like I'm just living my life for my parents. I feel like I'm just dreaming and keep doing my best because I desperately want to escape from this cruel world I live in.

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Back when I was younger I used to fantasize being the protagonist of a certain fictional movie or series. When life made me see things I couldn't see when I was younger, I unconsciously changed. I'm not the same person who will just go with the flow in life and I'm not that person who will smile despite the challenges he faces. 

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Sometimes I feel like I'm just merely breathing, I feel like I'm just living to feel all the pain that this world could offer and I'm just surviving for other people. However, with my friends I also feel like life could be interesting, exciting and joyful. I feel the essence of home in them, I'm always excited coming to school to see them talk and laugh together. I'm always free everytime I'm with them and I hate the feeling of abandonment after school hours when I have to go back to my house where the reality of life happens. 

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I'm not helpless or hopeless, it's just that I change. I know when I'm happy, I know when I'm anxious and I already know how it is to live life. I learned how to find solace in solitude. To see the brighter side, life becomes more meaningful when I find comforts in being alone. I learned a lot about myself and I learned how to value myself more. 

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Don't get me wrong, I have friends. Although I only have a few , all of them are genuine. Aside from my mother and sister, they're also my safe zone. To be with them is like vacation to me, they let me breathe freely and they let me feel like they need me. However, I'm scared of showing my vulnerabilities to them. It's not because I don't trust them but they also have their own struggles to cope. I'm just hoping we could survive and escape from this cruel world we live in and fly freely. 

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My friends right now are my academic buddies, somehow they inspire and motivate me. We study, eat and explore things together. We all are competitive but we are competing as friends. It is our way of motivating each other. We support each other like if one of us will report or perform, we will surely cheer each other just like when I'm doing a teaching demo. They really showed me their genuine support and it makes me do my very best in doing my task. I'm just hoping that life treats them better not only in school but also to their homes.

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Also I wanted to thank my best friend, Jovs, for she's always ready to listen to all my rants in life. She makes me feel I'm being heard and appreciated. She's one of the safest spaces in expressing my burden feelings. I appreciate how she compliments all the things I don't like about myself. One time, one of my classmates told me that I don't know how to dress, I look like an uncle everytime I come to school every wash day. Jovs said “No, does this person have a fashion taste? Don't listen to him, you better watch yourself In front of the mirror! You look professional though!”. She makes all of my bad looks good. I know some of her words are lies but I really appreciate it. She never disappoints me in letting me feel seen and loved. I'll do my best in letting her feel the genuineness she shows me everyday.

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I just wanted to say, I love this version of myself right now. I may change a lot but I change it for the better. I know how to be happy even if no one will stay by my side. I know my worth even if no one will believe in me and I know how to build myself again if someone tries to break me. I know myself before and right now I know myself more. I can carry myself right now but I'm grateful that there are genuine people surrounding me. Life will be better in the future and I'm proud of myself for waiting patiently for life to turn its table. All will be fine so let's live life.

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