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A Gentleman's Wood by meesterboom

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· @meesterboom ·
$49.45
A Gentleman's Wood
![1624041064367.jpg](https://images.hive.blog/DQmR3Ru6mbkaXv53txyMxEVskkkmxzbPWGs3pSF7MbV4V8g/1624041064367.jpg)


*Av got wood for you.*

Uttered the burly man on my doorstep as I opened the door to his rather insistent knocking.

*I beg your pardon?*

I said sternly, not being the sort of fellow who appreciates random men telling them that they are erect for him.

The man creased his big placenta coloured face into a frown.

*I have got wood for you.*

He said slowly and carefully as if talking to the kind of buffoon who lives life expecting that random strangers will attempt to crudely seduce him on his doorstep with their penis.

I looked him up and down. He was rather dusty and dirty looking. I have always been strictly a vagina loving kind of man so the very least I would expect if someone was to attempt to steer my ship from its course would be that they would have a bit of a wash.

*No thank you, not today.*

Inwardly, I applauded myself on my diplomacy. Parenthood had mellowed me and gone were the days where I would have chased the chap with a stick and administered a sound beating. 

*I cannae just take it away?*

*Woody* looked quite upset. The poor chap was obviously not the best at handling rejection.

Not for the first time, I thanked my lucky stars that I wasn't English so I didn't have to give him a pity wank out of politeness. 

*Well, you will just have to.*

I leaned over him and adopted a flinty posture to show him that I meant business.

*But, Ive got the paperwork. Thats you isn't it?*

He pulled a crumpled sheaf of paper from a gaping pocket and waved it at me.

I took a quick look and sniffed disdainfully. 

*Oh, the timber. You are not meant to be here till Monday.*

I remembered now, we had ordered a big pile of timber for the back yard so that I could attempt to build a deck. A task I was not looking forward to in the slightest but one which I had promised the Good Lady would be a fucking doddle when I was rip-roaringly drunk one weekend.

I should always remember. *A lady never forgets...*

*Listen, I was told Friday. So, are you taking the wood or arent you?*

He fixed me with a beady eye to show me that this was not his first *woodeo.*

I huffed at my first world problems.

*Aye fuck it. Alright then.*

My eyes began to sweat as my dreams of a beery weekend started to evaporate.

*Where do you want it then, chief?*

*Placenta-Faced-Wood-Man* became instantly cheery at the idea of dumping his load somewhere.

*Is it ok to put it up the back?*

I asked, motioning vaguely to my back garden behind me.

*You want it up the back?*

He raised an eyebrow worriedly and danced a little from foot to foot as if he had a high stake in POB and was watching the price tank.

*Right up the back.*

I grinned like an otter finding a sausage in an old shoe by a  river bank.

*Aye, ok. Can you give me a hand? Some of the beams are right heavy.*

His face, a cross between a placenta and a nervously inky squid attempted to look pleading.

*Fuck no. I've got to get back to work.*

I laughed, spun on a balletic heel and headed back into the house to inform the Good Lady I had wood.

I suspected she might be a bit more excited than normal at such a statement.
👍  , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , and 296 others
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vote details (360)
@creativemary ·
$0.03
Ladies never forget. I can remember details and details of details.All are lucky men for having women in their lives 😍😂
👍  
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@meesterboom ·
I threw away my smartphone when I realised what ladies can do!! :0D
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@cryptoandcoffee ·
$0.04
Don't you have any slaves to do that type of work. Gentleman don't do manual labour and you have got this all wrong. Tell the good lady to not expect a master piece of a deck lol.
👍  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
I have the fear, damn beer. She wanted to pay a man to do it and I was like, what, let me fucking do it. How hard can it be. I think I'm gonna find out!!!
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@cwow2 ·
$0.02
What the fuck haha.

I was captured the entire way through your story, damn xD

What happend, did you get it up back? 8D
👍  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
$0.14
Hahaha, I was tempted to say, *a gentleman never tells* but yeah, he stuck it right up there!!

The garden of course! 🤣😃
👍  
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vote details (1)
@cwow2 ·
Haha xD

Seriously man, that story was insanely good! :D
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@dandays ·
$0.04
I've never looked inside a single shoe along any watery bank I've found single shoes on. The story was *boarding* as nails but that otter's a genius.
👍  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
That's why we aren't otters, we just don't look hard enough in those solitary shoes!!
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@dandays · (edited)
Always steppin over'em or avoiding the things I'm potentially missing a !WEINER.
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@denisdenis ·
Nice.  ;))
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@dswigle ·
$0.07
Darn!! At the price of lumber, you take it any way the man will give you. Blast tradition!

Sorry I missed this. Can I buy more time? 
👍  , ,
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vote details (3)
@meesterboom ·
There is no more time left to buy. We borrowed it all?!!! 😱😃😱😃
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@frot · (edited)
Here in NZ, 2nd biggest wood producer in the southern hemisphere, all our wood goes to China because our commie gov is selling it to them to fund themselves...so if you want wood you have to pay big-time. And if a large filthy man offers you wood, you bend over and act keen



---

<center><sub>Posted via [proofofbrain.io](https://www.proofofbrain.io/@frot/quxze0)</sub></center>
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@meesterboom · (edited)
$0.03
Damn filthy men and their wood!!

It will be like here, sell all the wood to China and buy back lots of tacky plastic. It doesn't make much sense!
👍  
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vote details (1)
@frot ·
It makes sense to the CCCP!
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@galenkp ·
$0.03
>thanked my lucky stars that I wasn't English so I didn't have to give him a pity wank out of politeness

Those poms are an interesting lot huh? 😆

I think all the *taking wood up the back* jokes have been taken so I'll comment on the deck. Well, not so much comment but drop this fucking video from New Zealand about decks, and obvious play on their weird accent.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6c4Nupnup0
👍  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
Oh my, that is hilarious! His *deck* is the talk of the town!!

I am hoping that if it is in any way a half decent deck I can show people it just like he has :OD
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@galenkp ·
$0.03
It's pretty funny right? The cool thing is *that's exactly how they talk*. 

I'm sure your ~~dick~~ deck will run straight and true and everyone will want to see it and be on it.

[Now I know what the circular saw is for.]
👍  
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vote details (1)
@gikitiki ·
$0.03
Did  Placenta-Faced-Wood-Man hand carry the lumber to the back for you?    Since the Covid lockdown, almost all deliveries are dumped on your front driveway - with very few exceptions.    Even then, they almost always have a boom on the back of the truck so that it's just the boom operator in the truck.
👍  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
He had a boom to take it off and carried it! To be honest I paid a bit extra at the time of ordering to have it taken where I wanted off the truck so I thought he was being quite cheeky to ask for some help. I should have said, aye, I will help if you give me half of the forty quid I paid to get it hauled up the back!
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@gikitiki ·
$0.06
The good news for me is ... I always try to buy lumber that's longer than 2 meters.   So, then I can call a friend and remain a safe distance apart while we lug the lumber to where I need it to be.    I pushed it a little too far when I ordered 4'X10' sheets of drywall for the basement.    ;-)
👍  
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vote details (1)
@gikitiki ·
The good news for me is ... I always try to buy lumber that's longer than 2 meters.   So, then I can call a friend and remain a safe distance apart while we lug the lumber to where I need it to be.    I pushed it a little too far when I ordered 4'X10' sheets of drywall for the basement.    ;-)
properties (22)
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@hivebuzz ·
Congratulations @meesterboom! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :

<table><tr><td><img src="https://images.hive.blog/60x70/http://hivebuzz.me/@meesterboom/replies.png?202106171526"></td><td>You got more than 56500 replies.<br>Your next target is to reach 57000 replies.</td></tr>
</table>

<sub>_You can view your badges on [your board](https://hivebuzz.me/@meesterboom) and compare yourself to others in the [Ranking](https://hivebuzz.me/ranking)_</sub>
<sub>_If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word_ `STOP`</sub>

👍  
properties (23)
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vote details (1)
@jacey.boldart ·
$0.04
Repeat after me (only pathetically to the good lady)

" I was drunk and I was wrong, I can't build a deck"

Of course.... with the appropriate expression and all.  It will only hurt a minute and THEN someone else can still build the deck.  

I would think it would be worth it. LOL ... even a day or two of death ray stares..... worth it !
👍  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
I might go down the route of trying it and then admitting defeat gracefully. I just find myself thinking, *how hard can it be?* Whilst deep down something rumbles inside me like Jabba the Hutt saying Hur hur, you fool!!
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@jacey.boldart ·
Or start it a little crooked and claim you think it will be fine that way.  THEN she will insist that you stop right away and get someone else to do it.
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@lizelle · (edited)
$0.03
Well, you certainly know how to keep an old gal's attention, found myself reading*...not skimming as I sometimes tend to do when a story gets boring...*the whole story, from the very beginning to the very end...although you left the last juicy bit out ;)
We wanna see that wooden deck sometime, sooner rather than later while the going is good!
👍  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
I like writing a juicy story!! lol. I will be dedicating some posts to this decking,  Iam sure of it. I am terrified that it will be a disaster! Fingers crossed!!
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@lizelle ·
I'm sure it will be a good hardwood deck, just remember it takes a heck of a lot of screwing or will you be using the easy-clip system?
Anyway...have a great weekend!
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@lupega ·
$0.02
Hi @meesterboom ,You already have the firewood so you can enjoy working the weekend, but if you are going to drink liquor, better after finishing the job ha ha ha, I guess drunk you can't reason and the good lady expects a job well done, it catches my attention is that the man asks you for help to download, maybe he saw you without much to do, well you turned around and came back with yours and the good lady.
Greetings, I like that parenthood made you kind and courteous :)
👍  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
I like the fact that Parenthood has mellowed me too. I knew there would have to be am advantage in it somewhere :0D
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@old-guy-photos ·
$0.04
The way lumber is priced so high here, you must of hit the lottery and forgot to tell perhaps lol.
👍  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
It was rather now expensive than I would have preferred but I did get a family discount! Brothers band be handy sometimes :0)
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@repayme4568 ·
Nice piece
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@frot ·
Are you into wood as well?



---

<center><sub>Posted via [proofofbrain.io](https://www.proofofbrain.io/@frot/quxzha)</sub></center>
properties (22)
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@repayme4568 ·
No
properties (22)
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@meesterboom ·
You should see it in the moonlight!
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@frot ·
Photos please



---

<center><sub>Posted via [proofofbrain.io](https://www.proofofbrain.io/@frot/quxzj2)</sub></center>
properties (22)
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@ryzeonline ·
$0.04
From the title to the conclusion... your writing gets me every time. Sheesh.

>The man creased his big placenta coloured face into a frown.

I can't even lol

>I wasn't English so I didn't have to give him a pity wank out of politeness.

There's polite and then there's *polite* man... dang. That is next level, lol.

>Oh, the timber. You are not meant to be here till Monday.

Thank god for this line, 'cause prior to this, I was having nightmares about where this was going next :P

>I grinned like an otter finding a sausage in an old shoe by a river bank.

Of course that's what you write. I nearly wrote the exact same line in my post earlier today. Yes. Totally. It's an obvious similie. For sure. Definitely.

lol

>I suspected she might be a bit more excited than normal at such a statement.

Boom, mister.

Great post. I won't comment on the puns. :D
👍  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
Lol. I am glad it went the timber way too!

I like to think I specialise in obvious similes... 😃😃
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@ryzeonline ·
🤣 Yeah, so much so you could put it on your business card. 🤣
properties (22)
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@slobberchops ·
$0.03
>You want it up the back?

Well you can hardly take it up the front, can you? 🤣

Now what are you doing posting when Scotland are playing their big rivals? You could be snoring in front of the TV like me..., I just woke up.
👍  
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vote details (1)
@dandays ·
$0.02
"Goal!"
👍  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
Lies!! It's still nil nil!!!

*I have to check you see so that I can maintain a conversation with relatives and shit... :0D*
👍  ,
properties (23)
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vote details (2)
@slobberchops ·
I wish!
properties (22)
authorslobberchops
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@meesterboom ·
$0.02
You have no idea how many times in work today I was asked *are you watching the game* and I was like, erm no not really. Baffles them everytime!!
👍  
properties (23)
authormeesterboom
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vote details (1)
@slobberchops ·
Another 90 mins of my life wasted..., I never learn.
properties (22)
authorslobberchops
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json_metadata{"tags":["life"],"app":"peakd/2021.06.2"}
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@tarazkp ·
$0.04
> I thanked my lucky stars that I wasn't English so I didn't have to give him a pity wank out of politeness.


I think this cultural phenomenon is caused by Isle of Wight guilt. 
👍  
properties (23)
authortarazkp
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom ·
Lol. Yes, I think that could be it!! :0D
properties (22)
authormeesterboom
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@xplosive · (edited)
$0.03
> My eyes began to sweat as my dreams of a beery weekend started to evaporate.

I am not crying. Those are not tears. It is perspiration. 😂😂😂

By the way, I currently do not have beer, but I give you some !PIZZA.
👍  
properties (23)
authorxplosive
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vote details (1)
@beerlover ·
<div class='pull-right'>https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/beerlover/yiuU6bdf-beerlover20gives20BEER.gif<p><sup><a href='https://hive-engine.com/?p=market&t=BEER'>View or trade </a> <code>BEER</code>.</sup></p></div><center><br> <p>Hey @xplosive, here is a little bit of <code>BEER</code> from @meesterboom for you. Enjoy it!</p> <p>Learn how to <a href='https://peakd.com/beer/@beerlover/what-is-proof-of-stake-with-beer'>earn <b>FREE BEER</b> each day </a> by staking your <code>BEER</code>.</p> </center><div></div>
properties (22)
authorbeerlover
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json_metadata{"app":"beerlover/2.0"}
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@meesterboom ·
Well thank you very much, I think I might have !BEER !
properties (22)
authormeesterboom
permlinkquwyhk
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json_metadata{"app":"hiveblog/0.1"}
created2021-06-18 20:05:45
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@pizzabot ·
<div class='pull-right'><center><sup>Connect</sup></center><p><a href="https://discord.gg/Q9bQAKpWGS"><img src="https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/pizzabot/AKF96fKjnX3wjXERHcKAFHaoHnfTVhXqPjXVz8E1Th9nPiJqmFtaycosVpPBZ7z.png"></a></p></div><div class='pull-right'><center><sup>Trade</sup></center><p><a href='https://hive-engine.com/?p=market&t=PIZZA'><img src="https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/pizzabot/23sxbi2M4UjELDzQjxPdzubdgfMjHTCtA1xueyxmnhJUrB8136VyK3pqynyWYiZYF9HrC.png"></a></p></div><center><br> <p>@meesterboom! I sent you a slice of <strong><em>$PIZZA</em></strong> on behalf of @xplosive.</p> <p>Learn more about <strong><em>$PIZZA Token</em></strong> at <a href="https://hive.pizza">hive.pizza</a> <sub>(8/10)</sub></p> </center><div></div>
properties (22)
authorpizzabot
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json_metadata"{"app": "beem/0.24.19"}"
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