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Getting Figgy With It by meesterboom

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life · @meesterboom · (edited)
$19.01
Getting Figgy With It
![IMG-PHOTO-ART--1212869853.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmatkSiy3ZY8VvZaZYfZXDZo6KXHPjaurdPHKzXpa4J81V/IMG-PHOTO-ART--1212869853.jpg)

*Fancy a bit of figgy?*

Said The Bear-Man leering at me evilly from behind his little wooden counter.

I had barely stepped foot in his shop before the words assaulted the delicate flowers that were my ears.

*I beg your pardon!?! Are you aware that the act of figging is one in which a bulb of ginger is peeled and inserted up a fellow's rectum!?*

I said brusquely, frowning in distaste.

The *Bear-Man* flinched back, nearly falling off his chair as if I had thrown a dead rabbit at him.

*What!? WHAT!?!*

An assortment of horrified and disgusted expressions flitted across his face as the import of what I had described rampaged through his brain.

*I mean... What!? What the fuck, man. That's fucking horrible!?*

The *Bear-Man* looked as if he was about to do one of those burpy mouthy sick things.

*Apparently it is quite... __burny__.*

I remarked calmly as if discussing a fine cup of tea.

*How the fuck would you know!? And how the fuck did you know what it is. Have yer done it or summat!?*

His eyes bugged out on stalks, no doubt imaging me with a peeled bulb of ginger up my *Charles Bronson* perhaps whilst sipping at some of the *Bear-Man's* fine beers.

*Do I look like a man who could be figged!?*

I barked.

*Well... Maybes...*

The grin returned to the *Bear-Man s* Face

I laughed at the very idea of me parading back and forth with root vegetables poking out my orifices like some kind of politician at a party.

*So, why all the talk of figs, is it because they look like vaginas?*

I asked.

The*Bear-Man* recoiled yet again.

*Have you been sniffin glue? They don't look like vaginas at all!?!*

He uttered from a face creased in consternation that he might have eaten a vagina fruit.

I tapped my temple and winked.

*Take it from a man who has seen the odd wild vagina.*

The Bear-Man harrumphed at this and reached under his counter to produce a bright yellow can of something with the word Nail on it.

*You're fucking nuts. You will probably like this. Fig beer. Named after that big daftie Jimmy Nail.*

I lifted the can and gave it a fine fondle.

*Fig beer? Yuk. Sounds foul.*

I said, my shoulders twitching as if remembering that time I held a giant African snail.

*You not wanting it?*

The *Bear-Man* looked puzzled.

I picked it up and have him my best *being figged up the chuff* grin.

*Of course I do! Give me two, I'm gonna get figgy with it!!*
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@dreemit ·
$0.02
Hmm,figs, that actually sounds like it might be quite good!
πŸ‘  
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@meesterboom · 
WHAT!?! the figging!!!! ;0)
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@ginnyannette ·
$0.03
Did you make that figgy business up, or is that actually a thing? I trust that if it *is* a thing, you of course would know immediately, because some eccentric colleague of yours will have told you the sordid tale of that time he got figgy with it. In a way I think I need more people in my life that get figgy with things, but then I think, no, I'd rather just hear about it through meesterboom :)

I hope very much that you are able to not think of old vaginas while you drink your beer tomorrow. Figs really do look nothing like vaginas. But the old wild vagina though...hmm...
πŸ‘  
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vote details (1)
@meesterboom · 
Sometimes they say you can hear the old wild one as it roots about in the dark of the night. Beware, they cry. For to see it means almost certain death. It is told that no one who has seen it has yet lived!!!

Hehe, funnily enough, it was a sordid mate of mine who first mentioned it to me, he claimed to have read about it in a lads magazine. You know, the kind that tell you about grooming and how to wear the perfect suit/t-shirt combo. 

I didn't believe him, so I googled it. 

Yikes, it was true! That and felching. The horror had scarred me!!
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@ginnyannette ·
$0.04
I was reading this in the silence of my dark house, and I thought just now that I heard a strange squelching noise from outside. Now I think I may just know what it was. Definitely not going to look!

I bet he neglected to mention the part where he tried it out after reading the article ;)
πŸ‘  
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@janton · 
Ha! You guys are nuts! And that artwork is freaking bizarre and hilarious!
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@jaynie ·
$0.03
>I beg your pardon!?! Are you aware that the act of figging is one in which a bulb of ginger is peeled and inserted up a fellow's rectum!?

Oh good lord HAHAHAHHAA!!!!! I would have paid GOOD money to see his reaction in real time LOL!

Will we be seeing a video review of this wild vagina resembling fig beer? LOL
πŸ‘  
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@meesterboom · 
Oh yes indeed!! As soon as number two child is asleep I will be on it!!! :0D
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@jaynie · 
hahaha awesome! I am playing a substantial amount of catch up here with comments lol so will make my way to it once this mountain has been reduced to a molehill :D
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@meesterboom · 
Shared to the twitters #posh

https://twitter.com/meesterboom/status/1200452324394766337?s=09
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@oaldamster · (edited)
$0.03
Ginger up the bum, was used to make the tail stay up high. 

Did not know it was known as _figging_, rather as being _unpleasent_. At least it seemed to be very awful for the horses they did it to. 

Was even unaware humans did it to themselves too. Guess that was the way they found out. 

Now I wonder, would there also have been people looking for some new sensation, thinking _ginger_ was for pussies. And instead tried a peeled JalepeΓ±o? Or worse even? 

Have a great weekend!
πŸ‘  
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@meesterboom · 
Haha, a jalapeno might have been an altogether different experience!!!

I was rather astonished the first time I heard about it. I think it is an old fashioned thing. At least, I would fecking hope so!!

Have a great weekend yourself dude!! Starting with tonight! :0)
πŸ‘  
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@oaldamster · 
Goooooodmoooooornin! Thanks mate, dived in early last night. And no Chilli Peppers were taken with. 

Must be an old fashioned thing, really, who does such kind of faul thing! 

And now, for something completely different, let's rock this week end hard!  

Engage! 😁
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@richq11 ·
$0.03
Figs belong in phyllo dough or cookies not in beer... and definitely not in rectums (or is it recti?). What next beer from zucchini or persimmons???
πŸ‘  
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@meesterboom · 
Don't even say it! I can imagine the next thing being zucchini beer or something just not right!

We shall see tomorrow whether the figs helping in rectii (lol) or beer!
πŸ‘  
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@richq11 · 
Looks like I quit drinking just in time... I do miss getting to try Mikes Hard Lemonade though.
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@slobberchops ·
$0.02
That Bear-Man wants you.., this is happening only too often. Better keep those figs handy!
πŸ‘  
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@meesterboom · 
The figs are staying in the beer!! Lord knows what a Figgy brown ale is going to taste like. It better not be shit!
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@slobberchops ·
$0.03
I like Figs... well Fig rolls...

![](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmQL9wZQMK4tZRd8TrtJfn4bMGrj85JXg6KwrqQD7gS2Nz/image.png)

Just drink and imagine the soft crunch thats not gonna happen.
πŸ‘  
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@teutonium · 
>Have you been sniffin glue? They don't look like vaginas at all!?!

Everything looks like a vagina if you think hard enough πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚
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@theluvbug · 
<center>

This post was curated by @theluvbug 
and has received an upvote and a resteem to hopefully generate some ❀ ***extra love*** ❀ for your post! 
<sub>[JOIN ME ON TWITTER](www.twitter.com/theluvbug80)</sub>

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In Proud Collaboration with [The Power House Creatives](https://steemit.com/@steemitbloggers)
and their founder @jaynie

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@tts · 
To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.
[![](https://s18.postimg.org/51o0kpijd/play200x46.png)](http://ec2-52-72-169-104.compute-1.amazonaws.com/meesterboom__getting-figgy-with-it.mp3)
Brought to you by [@tts](https://steemit.com/tts/@tts/introduction). If you find it useful please consider upvoting this reply.
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