![1622658722256.jpg](https://images.hive.blog/DQmeEX5gUS6nxY3AZTSvDaXaxJ1HVJyq2Jdk7TJBcTdLEQ1/1622658722256.jpg)


*Hello there, sir.*

A tatty looking peasant man greeted me as I opened my front door. 

My side lip curled up as if the Good Lady had put pickled dill on my sandwich. 

I hate being called *sir.* It is almost as bad as being called dear. It sets my teeth on edge as if whoever is doing it is waving their fingers at me like an arse-menacing octopus. 

*Yello.* 

I said sternly, holding onto the door jamb and swinging from it slightly like a Pirate hanging on to a  *mizzen-mast* who has spied enemy sails on the horizon.

*I was wondering if I could just have a moment of your time please sir?*

Asked *Peasant-Man* in a strangely forlorn tone.

I cocked my head to the side and stopped swinging on the doorframe. 

*You already are!*

I said sparkily like a penis-shaped lightbulb being fed 100 watts of the good juice.

*I'm sorry?*

Replied *Peasant-Man,* a sharp edge to his tone implying that he was not sorry in the slightest. 

I breathed in deep through my majestic nostrils, so majestic were they that an ex-girlfriend had screamed in rage and tried to punch me after I dared compare the hairier left nostril to her vagina. 

To this day, I am still not sure why she took it so badly. It was, after all, a compliment.

*Don't be sorry, old fellow. What do you want?*

Now that the foreplay was over I was tiring and keen to get on to the main act.

*Peasant-Man* puffed out his chest and struck an oddly formal pose before opening his mouth and *singing.*

*We come but once a year, around here. We clean your gutters and pipes. We clean them well, we clean them well. Our clients have no gripes.*

He gave a small bow then smiled expectantly.

I patted my pockets but partly because of COVID and partly because I was a tight bastard with money, I had no coppers to throw him.

*Aye, very good. So what do you want?*

I drew him the *gimlet eye* and frowned as if he had suddenly declared he was my wife and yet also a snitch for the FBI and with a sad heart I knew he would have to be taken out to the woods and whacked.

*Like I just said. We clean your gutters. Look, I have a van.*

He pointed over at a dirty little blue van with a depressed looking ladder attached to the top.

*Ha, very good. How much is that then?*

I chortled with unbridled joy that such a man had come to my house on this auspicious day.

*Peasant-Man* took a step back and gave my gutters an appraising look.

*Forty pounds normally but today I could do it for fifty and throw in these down-guards.*

He brandished a spiky plastic mesh thing at me which looked like it might have been a sieve from a Hellraiser movie.

I peered closely at the *down-guard* in his hand but not so close that I could catch the COVIDS.

*Hmm. No thank you.*

I stepped back and began to close my door.

*Ok, you got me. Forty and I will throw in the down-guards for free.*

He bobbed up and down as if trying to see over my shoulder. I hoped there wasn't a monster behind me.

*No thank you. I will clean my own pipes.*

Ever so slowly, I closed the door a little further.

*We only come round here once a year!*

*Peasant-Man* yelled in desperation.

*What?*

I hauled the door back open.

*We only come round this area once per year! This is your only chance till next year!*

*Peasant-Man*blurted out in a rush, his eyes shining with the potential forty doubloons he thought he could earn.

*Ah, I thought that's what you said. No thanks.*

I started the door closing thing again, this time making a horror movie-esque creaking noise.

*Wait!*

He cried.

*What?*

I opened my mouth to speak but before I could the Good Lady hauled the door open and shoved me rudely to the side. 

*We don't want any. So FUCK OFF.*

She slammed the door shut almost amputating my nose.

*Fucking hell, leave the poor guy alone?!*

She barked and stomped off back into the nethers of the house.

I waited till she was out of sight then tugged the door open a bit and peeked out. 

*Peasant-Man* was gone.

I sighed. Oh well, back to work I suppose.