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This topic seem to be about what I've been doing for a long while now, not sure how wrong this is but it has only started to feel wrong to me recently. I've been the type to enjoy my own company and while people say they feel bored when they are alone, I can't say same for myself.

I'll always find something fun or amusing to spend my alone time on. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for a life like this, being happy away from others but deep down, I have this feeling that I just kinda make excuses to be alone, some of the reasons are scary for me to own up to.

When I let myself think deeply into why I tend to isolate myself from others, I have a countless reasons to do it but I also know it's important to build relationships here and there to test what I can't do and the potential I have, I doubt I am able to that well enough by being always on my own.

![4HFqJv9qRjVecs4xkhd5EvhidWEEBnn9tCVDBkBhQpUFvab78MhbU1Vtz2iATBstJkyAYbQgVVM84u5STyfyMqFxyv7GGtTs92emjDpCGaPmJkToX2ekNzdv7w859AFmVhyMf3nTVyKM8pLAk5N2RMn9KoYnzYgF8p6.jpeg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/merit.ahama/AK3dJhUdZWu8f2gTgZPkfTjMJViE6EJNGTyYWKo22gCzHmPrynyMm4gUomKhu9t.jpeg)

I've always had this **"fear of intimacy"**, to grow close or fond of someone. For fear of them leaving or hurting me, I just find it preferable to keep relationships quite very formal and not go too close. It is one of the reasons I'll say have led me to enjoy my own company more than usual.

One time, it was **"Self-criticism"** where I felt I needed to be better than I was, I needed to look better, I needed to have more than I had, to associate myself with others. While that never changed anything for me, I've come to love my imperfect self, most especially the way I look.

Although I fail to admit it most times, I think I have a trait of **"introversion"** because there are times I go wild and crazy with friends and that is also because I've grown comfortable with them but somewhere along that craziness, I seem to draw a line I can't cross, the feeling of isolation.

![4HFqJv9qRjVecs4xkhd5EvhidWEEBnn9tCVDBkBhQpUFvab78MhbU1Vtz2iATBstJkyAYbQgVVMUxtZsvbuUQZhTzeAZHoU21mS4USW9j1jAAzfg2FAK7m53rPzC96tAhT2cQswwUSDwvMaVWHRBHfcGiVP8u5z9NH4.jpeg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/merit.ahama/AK7ywCG7nwxf3mJiSWRPqPmSGsjSQPJtCCkMvxTuLNF2yLMhq1Ejxs4cmqhJVom.jpeg)

There is also the **"fear of the unknown"** that keeps me away from people and wanting to enjoy my alone time. The unnecessary quarrels, fights and hurts, I could avoid these when I am on my own. But obviously, these things are bound to happen to make true relationships even stronger.

I have a mild **"social anxiety"** too, I don't feel so comfortable when I'm in a new environment, a huge party or at a place I've never been to, I could want to withdraw myself to comfort but I've learned that this isn't a good habit so I'm working on it by every new place or party I decide to go.

In all of this, it's part of my life's goal to see all these as a past habit. I know my past had a lot to do with it and so I'm working on myself to get rid of it but not totally as I've also experienced the good sides of isolation. What's most important is how one feels, always prioritize your feelings.

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