Long story short (the lengthy bit is me feeling pretty vulnerable right now, so probably not as resilient as usual) I was so upset today when I saw a woman who I always see at the beach and who completely and utterly *willfully* ignore me speak to me, look at me, or acknowledge my existence. Worse, she'll enter the group of girls sitting waiting for waves and talk to them with her back to me, clearly trying to push me out. It's bullying behaviour, and ridiculous. I really struggle to understand it, though I do know why she is behaving like this - she's threatened by me, and she needs me for her own narrative to endear her to her boyfriend (let's call him Dave - not his real name) and someone I would count - or used to count, I'd say now - as a mate.

Phew. This is kinda hard to explain, so bear with me. I'm actually trying to explain my answer to @galenkp's question of the week: 

> What piece of advice would you give to someone in an abusive relationship and why?

because I wanted to explain what the consequence of me doing just that. 

Dave spent weeks about two years back talking to everyone for hours about What Happened when - let's call her Mary - had an affair and left him for some bloke on the island off the coast of Tassie where she's from. I wasn't the only one that was subjected to *hours* of Dave talking about what a narcissist she was, and all the lies he had caught her out in, and her narcisstic behaviour, and how he felt he was suffering from PTSD from his relationship with her. 

He needed to talk, and I listened, because that's what friends do. You hold space for people reaching out for help. 


![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/riverflows/23ycyQNQSWfWvK6QoSw8Jy1upFGTVVSymoSxAtrvxPchacDyN17TWW6Rb6YQGcNXynvMn.png)
*A random picture of a kangaroo, taken by me.*

One of the lies was even about me - she'd come home crying one day and said that I gave her a dirty look out in the water, clearly trying to drive a wedge between him and me. I didn't, of course - that's *so not me*. Even Dave laughed at the *idea* of it, and what he'd figured out about her psychology confirmed that it was a lie. He'd known me long enough to think it was bullshit. There was a *lot* of psychological manipulation going on, and I imagine there still is. 

Gah, this sounds like some Days of Our Lives 'he said she said' drama. 

After literally weeks of listening to Dave say about how he'd never get back with her, I said to him that was *probably a good idea* - he was in a classic abusive relationship. I agreed that he couldn't continue to be treated in this way by her. He needed to let it go and she needed some serious help. 

And then they got back together. 

Given her absolute refusal to talk to me, I'm pretty sure Dave would have said something like 'even River thinks I shouldn't be with you', and that's likely why she does her damndest to make my life as uncomfortable as possible. 

People in abusive relationships essentially cannot be trusted to follow your advice, or to leave the person that's making their life hell. They'll keep making the same mistakes. For them, the abuse is home - it's safety. It's what they know. For Dave, staying with Mary was better than being alone, and he likely justifies it that way. There's nothing to be gained by *telling* them to leave a relationship. They *know* it's no good. They *know* it's abusive. They just keep making the same choice, over and over, even if it hurts other people around them, and themselves. 

So there's a massive part of me that would be reluctant to give advice to anyone in an abusive relationship. My experiences with doing that haven't been great. 

But the more I think about it, the more I stick to my guns that I'd done the right thing. I'd offered him support. I said they both needed professional help.I listened to him, and believed him, and told him that his feelings were valid. I told him it wasn't his fault, and he didn't deserve it. I told him that I was here to support whatever choice he made. 

I honestly don't know what else I could have done. 

<center>

# `With Love,` 


![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/riverflows/23t6xT1abr5kFMeEirKwZ2QqT6MK9U4SBpKCQZAjVEojgm7uSSGL9AJSuwtBsUmMAV5jv.png)







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