![Polish_20201122_233639839.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/ryo-6414/tqlPwvvL-Polish_20201122_233639839.jpg)



Thank you for the many comments on my post the other day.

And I apologize for being so distraught.
I was really confused at the time because I wasn't in a state of mind at the time.
Thank you so much for your deep opinions

But this experience has given me an important reminder and determination.

I'm not working on any new artwork at the moment, but the next time I post a manga(art work) here I won't get reward…Not only that,
also decided to quit Twitter.

Don't worry, here is the "perfect world" for me at last.

What I really wanted was not high praise or reward.
What I really wanted was "to do the artwork 100% for myself, not for praise".
I realized that my true desire with the recent post.

I did access to my deep consciousness ...
And I remembered from my past the process by which my true desire was created.

I was abused by my father for 15 years.
It was truly life-threatening. He would mount me like a mixed martial artist and beat me, and he would strip me naked outside in the winter, kick me out of the house and lock door.
These were "only" two of my 15 years of experience, and all of my days were filled with violence, mental profanity, and insults.

He was always saying.
"You have no talent! You can't be an manga artist! Don't have stupid dreams!"
It would have been better if he had just denied only my dreams, but he was constantly denying even my very existence.

"I don't want to introduce you to others as my son. Your existence is a most disgrace to me."
And his words that I was most hurt by
"Your mother got sick because she gave birth to you" 

I have always been denied the value of existence.
Naturally my mind is distorted and it is difficult to have good relationships with others.
No, living a normal life has been difficult for me.

I refused to go to school from the age of thirteen because of my mental limit.
Of course my father kicked me a lot, but I was longer in a state of mind that made it difficult to move my body or even to live.

Around the age of 16 I started to have a mental illness.
I took a lot of antidepressants, but the side effects were extreme pain all over my body.

And from the age of 17 to 18, my whole body was numb.
Even my face and mouth were numb, but the cause was unknown and it was very painful (the condition was later corrected by physical therapy).

And I had no teacher to guide me.
I had to think about almost all my problems alone…This was a very difficult situation for an inexperienced boy (young man).

There were never many people to help me.

My mother was always scared of my father and always criticized me and my father because she always wanted to be on the victim's side.
By doing so, my mother was keeping herself safe.

I have a younger brother who is two years younger than me and he was my father's favorite son.
When I was about eight years old, my father took me and my brother to a game store.
But he bought the game for my brother only and not me.
My father always seemed to enjoy comparing and discriminating against me and my brother.
But my brother had his own difficulties, so I don't criticize him.

And I'll share here what I don't want to say too much about.
I've never officially had a girlfriend yet.
I've never known deep love from others. I've never had a partner who could support me emotionally.

Fortunately, I have had a few friends in the past.
But I don't have a single friend that I still have a relationship with.
That's a long story, so I won't get into it here.

Well, why did I tell this story?
These experiences are just a small part of my 31 years of life, and it is impossible for you to understand me when I share these stories.
Of course I am not seeking sympathy or comfort from you.

The important thing is that the only thing I've been doing in these experiences was "artwork".
![IMG_kje6e9.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/ryo-6414/AKYtTWpC-IMG_-kje6e9.jpg)
(It's a work when I was 12 years old)


I have never had an excellent academic background, qualifications or awards.
On the contrary, I generally don't even have a good life.

The only thing that I have ever had is artwork.

Maybe someone who had an abusive or horrible experience at a young age might possibly do drugs, alcohol, gambling, or some kind of crime.
But I don't smoke, let alone do drugs.
I don't like alcohol and I've never gambled.

For me, art was really my only support and partner.

I enjoyed just drawing without any recognition from anyone.
drawing was everything to me.

But before I knew it, I was drawing a picture "to get a reaction (evaluation) from someone".
I realized that the reason I was angry was not because of my poor reputation(reward) for my art.
I realized I was angry that I was betraying my heart because I forgot to draw art "for my joy".

And behind the evaluation was my father.
Before I knew it, the pictures I drawing for my own pleasure became "just a tool" to get high praise from others, and I was seeking the high praise from others that I could not get from my father.

Yes, my motivation for drawing was to get my father's high praise of me.
So I was angry with others (my father) for not praise me.

I finally realized that.
For me, the praise of others meant nothing.
It was just an act to bury my frustration.

I regained my true joyful heart.

And I realized that in order to follow my true heart it was important to refuse the reward.
And I should also quit promoting myself through Twitter.

Because in my nature, whenever there is a reward or a medium of publicity, I am invariably conscious of it in vain.
It gives me useless thoughts and takes me away from my original state of mind.

This is the conclusion I have come to according to my inner voice.
Depending on the situation and my attitude in the future, I may start receiving rewards again, or I may change my behavior…
But for now, my conclusion is that I will not accept rewards and I will quit Twitter.

I am now in probably the best state of mind of my life.
I am truly free from evaluation (i.e. my father).
The art I draw for my pleasure, without regard to evaluation is the best!



And…this is probably the most important fact for everyone…👇


You may see my post and wish me "success".

But that idea is wrong!
Because I am already successful!

People believe that one has to work hard and continue to do something to finally get success.
But that is a mistake.


# That you were born is already a success!

I was born into this world and drawing…
That's all. That's success!

I used to struggle with the idea that success was in the evaluation (outside).
But I realized that it's all in me (inside).
Yes, success doesn't come from the outside, "you just have to remember it".
It's the same for all people.

You don't have to wish for my success and leap.
I quit drawing to get a reputation.

That's the way to remember the success that was already in me😊

![IMG_p95yiv.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/ryo-6414/SigpFTvp-IMG_-p95yiv.jpg)

Thank you


※I'm receiving reward for my non-artwork post now, but I may quit receiving it too