<center><b>The following is an interview with BitCheese founder, Professor Hrivlar Goedenschmuergen. Due to safety concerns, some portions of this interview have been redacted.</b></center>

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It is a rainy mid-afternoon here in Bucharest, [REDACTED]. I arrived earlier this morning, and the news of the recent mysterious death of another crypto-visionary was fresh in my mind. Dr. Lorenzo Beansprout, whose BitShoes were revolutionizing the footwear industry, was recently found dead at his home, with his head crushed inside a waffle iron, and a large Swoosh logo carved into the bare skin of his back. Police have labelled his death a suicide, but while I am no detective, certain details don't seem to mesh with the official findings. 

Professor Goedenschmuergen seemed to be aware of this, as well, as he arrived at the restaurant where we agreed to meet in full disguise. I had not recognized him when he sat down at my table and looked me square in the eye.

<center><img src="https://ipfs.pics/ipfs/QmW2GhwgyQ8FUyVx7kzXUr4HpzWiHuudfiQp1ExcJtNMmh"></center><center>Professor Goedenschmuergen, looking concerned</center>

After a quick meal of [REDACTED], and an argument over who will pay the tab for the meeting, the Professor consented to begin our interview.

<b>Interviewer:</b>  First, Professor Goedenschmuergen, I would like to thank you for agreeing to this interview. especially considering  the recent death of Dr. Beansprout. 

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</B>  You're very welcome. I was reluctant to leave my laboratory after hearing about the tragic suicide of my colleague, but I'm sure I am sufficiently disguised at the moment, so I think I will be fine. 

<b>Interviewer:</b> Yes, I'm sure you will be fine. I don't think that [REDACTED] has a large cheese industry, or at least I haven't seen evidence of one.

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</B> Oh, they have cheese here in [REDACTED], but its quality is... well, to be honest with you, it was one of the reasons I decided to begin my work on developing BitCheese in the first place. Imagine it: you are in what amounts to a "Cheese Desert" - an area where cheese is as rare as laughter at a Pauly Shore movie. Imagine having the ability to then begin mining, as you would for any other cryptocurrency or cryptocuisine, and within a short period of time having a block of cheddar, or a fine brie, or any other variety of cheese right there, where once there was none. 

<b>Interviewer:</b> Rest assured, professor, it's a dream we have all had. How, exactly, is BitCheese mined, though? I'm sure we have all seen the recently released video of BitCheese mining, and - from what I will openly admit is the viewpoint of an absolute ignorant - it looks to be a jar of cheese being dumped onto a laptop. Is that an accurate summary of what we are seeing in that video?

<center><iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/VOh2kgEQ4L0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></center><center>"How to make BITCHEESE" on Youtube, with over 200 billion views as of right now</center>

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> Hardly, and thank you for acknowledging your ignorance. 

<b>Interviewer:</b> Sure, you're welcome, I guess. So... if that's the case, can you elaborate more about the process? Because it really does just look like queso dip dumped on an old Dell.

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> You ask a fantastic question, and I am more than happy to answer it. First, though, I just want to make sure that, while we're on the record, you're paying for lunch.

<b>Interviewer:</b> I already told you I got it, man. 

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> Okay, good, I just wanted to make sure, because like I said, I left my wallet in my ---

<b>Interviewer:</b> Right, in your labcoat, I understand.

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> You're a mensch! 

<b>Interviewer:</b> So. How is BitCheese made?

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> Well, that's a great question, and I'm happy to answer it. But first, I have to ask you: how familiar are you with the way that the blockchain operates?

<b>Interviewer:</b> I have a rudimentary understanding, but I'm sure that some of our readers won't be as technically savvy as you, so please, explain it for us if you will. 

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> Absolutely. I'd like to try one of those pastries that I saw the waiter bringing to that table over there. Would you be so generous as to add one to my bill?

<b>Interviewer:</b> Well I only have a little bit of money on me, actually, but I can ---

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> Excellent, thank you so much! Garcon! 

(It is at this point that Professor Goedenschmuergen ordered a pastry, and then spent the next five minutes eating it. Once he had finished, we resumed the interview.)

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> Thank you so much for that. That really hit the spot. 

<b>Interviewer:</b> You're welcome. Now, please, regarding the blockchain and how it operates. 

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> Yes! The blockchain! I almost entirely forgot what we were discussing before that pastry. That delicious, delicious pastry. You really should have one for yourself. It has some kind of, like, chocolate schmutz on the inside, I totally didn't expect that. 

<b>Interviewer:</b> Right. So, the blockchain. 

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> It wasn't a super sweet chocolate schmutz, but it was just smooth and chocolatey enough to really hit the spot. Know what I mean? It wasn't, like, a creme, or a mousse. It was... well, it was like a schmutz. 

<b>Interviewer:</b> Unfortunately I have limited time here in [REDACTED], Professor Goedenschmuergen, so let's please keep on topic.

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> Right, of course, of course. So, what was your question again?

<b>Interviewer:</b> The blockchain. How does it work? How is it used to create BitCheese?

<b>Prof. Goedenschmuergen:</b> Ah, yes, thank you so much. You know, I am so incredibly sorry, but as they say in my home country of [REDACTED], after such a bountiful and generous meal, I must take a brief moment to shit. Please excuse me. 


That was the last any of us ever saw of Professor Goedenschmuergen. After waiting for an hour for him to return, I asked the waiter if they had seen the man who had gone to their restroom earlier. The waiter informed me that they had no restroom. Upon calling his laboratory, none of the technicians would admit to having heard of the Professor, or his innovative product, BitCheese. 

We eagerly look forward to once again meeting with the Professor, or at least one of his colleagues, as his insights into cryptocuisine could absolutely shake the foundations of modern society. Until then, we wish to send out condolences to the family of Dr. Beansprout. 


- Written by Herman Gelcap
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