<center><h2>Perpetual Victim Status</h2></center>
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Last year, I went through an experience. It could only be described as a form of abuse. I stated on Facebook that I was a survivor of covert narcissist abuse, but my current thinking was that it was abuse by someone with traits of borderline personality disorder.

There were all sorts of red flags in the beginning of the friendship, which I have to take responsibility for and admit to ignoring. We are always aware of red flags. Why we choose to ignore them is something for deeper discussion at some point in the future. Compassion? Empathy? I just don't know at this point.
<center><h3>The Abuse Cycle</h3></center>
The abuse cycle goes:**idealisation** (love or sex bombing), **devaluation** (making you feel like you aren't good enough), and eventually a **discard** or where you're dumped. Sometimes there's a **"hoover"** where they suck you back in, only for the cycle to start again.

It goes somewhat deeper and far more complex than this, these are just umbrella terms. 

The idealisation stage is full of compliments, giddiness and butterflies. Who would have thought these were red flags?

I was told I was sexier than I realised, my voice, my face, etc. and the positive aspects of my personality, that I was in denial of, were mirrored back to me. She told me she was addicted to me, but that she should use that word because she had addiction issues (another red flag).

Experiencing the **self love** that was denied to me all of my life was intoxicating. Then she would then disappear for a few days. This **ghosting** creates a **trauma bond**, or an addiction to the person. The addiction is not only to the "high", but also the "withdrawal".

We created a **shared fantasy**. Many abuse survivors refuse to acknowledge their part in their own abuse. This isn't victim blaming, it's about personal responsibility. I had no boundaries.

She asked a slew of personal, boundary testing questions in the idealisation phase, about viginity loss, sexual fantasies, my deepest fears, etc. This was ammunition for a **smear campaign** as part of the discard phase later.

She presented bruises, initially stating it was from a "fuck buddy", then after making me swear secrecy, said it was her ex and that they still had money tied together.

Later I found her Facebook page and recognised her "fuck buddy" in a post where she said he was the love of her life for at least the last 5 years. I found his Facebook page and there was a 10 year old photo of them together. He was definitely hitting her. Apparently, he cheated on her, they had a "domestic" and she had to move out.

Regardless of what was true and what wasn't, this was a sob story designed to keep me wanting to "rescue a damsel in distress" and feeling guilty enough not to pull the plug on the friendship when I should have.

I got caught in a **grief loop**, mourning the loss of the idealised version of myself, and the self love I desperately craved, but now know I can give myself, but thinking it was her.

This cost me a few friendships too, as I didn't realise that my trauma was contageous and I was traumatising others.

She once described herself as a chameleon (major red flag for mental instability) and a "princess" (borderline), etc.

Before I go much further, the intention here is not engage in a smear campaign against anyone but to remind myself of the pain and emotional disregulation that was caused, and that I allowed myself to get caught up in.

I went "no contact", blocking her on all social media; deleting her photos from my harddrive was a struggle but I did so.

I sought out other survivors of abuse, and information regarding what this experience was. There's a lot of **unmitigated nonsense** online regarding narcissism, psychopathy, and borderlines.

The best source of information has been **Prof. Sam Vaknin** as he's a pioneer in the field.

<center><h3>Perpetual Victim Status</h3></center>
It's better to call yourself a **survivor** of abuse than a victim, but both are ego based labels. It's not healthy to be stuck in victimhood, especially long term. Your abusers have definitely moved on.

Some people have the urge to write articles, blogs, books and videos about their experience as part of the healing process,  but these can become smear campaigns too if we they aren't careful.

There's also a real danger in prolonging the healing process by dwelling on the topic and some people make victimhood / survivorship their entire identity. 

Survivors will block you if you highlight this. They think they should be in a permanent state of suffering / healing.

Ironically, this is narcissism. 

I do not label myself a survivor any more and holding onto the pain serves no purpose other than to weigh me down.

This is why I am now reading self help books, first on relationship stuff, then getting my life together and then finance stuff.

Once I became aware of **devaluing**, I began to see it everywhere. The recruitment agency I was working for uses the abuse cycle above, all smiles and welcoming, but as soon as my usefulness was over, they restricted my account on their app. They still owe me a day's pay from last week and I hope they honour it. 

Idealisation, devaluing, discard.

The worst part is the self devaluing and the self betrayal I was engaging in. No more. It ends now and the true journey really begins.

**I am resolute**
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Thank you for reading.

Shaidon
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***Shaidon's Seal Of Approval***
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