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What Happens When Publishing Your Truth Brings Abusers Back by shawnamawna

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· @shawnamawna ·
$124.05
What Happens When Publishing Your Truth Brings Abusers Back
As I expected, <a href="https://thespire.wordpress.com/2014/05/01/the-letter-no-one-wrote-my-mother/">my public confessions of abuse</a> resulted in an emotional barrage akin to a hurricane. The response was so swift and fierce that I was left breathless. It arrived via text message and frantic, tear-and-shallow-breath-filled phone calls. I read. I listened. I paused. Were the allegations true? Was I an emotionally unstable child in a woman's body acting unfairly? Were my experiences the manufacture of an overactive imagination, my admissions false and vindictive? The accusations battered me. I shed my own tears, but I remembered my goals, assessed whether or not I was meeting or defeating them. I decided that, no, I was not outside the boundaries I had drawn to maintain my self-respect and also, no, I was not misremembering.

<center><a href="https://thespire.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/20140712-142526-51926480.jpg"><img class="aligncenter" src="https://thespire.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/20140712-142526-51926480.jpg" alt="20140712-142526-51926480.jpg" width="459" height="459" /></a></center>

Abusers don't want their victims to remember. They want to control our minds the way they control our pain. In the case of my parents, my abusers are deeply ashamed. It is tragic that they were abusers because they aren't anymore, with the exception of the occasion grappling burst of gaslighting or intimidation. They don't want me to remember because they don't want to remember. But before that, they wanted to control my experience. Even after the hurting stopped, the pain persisted in the form of crippling and defining self-doubt. Into adulthood, I believed the hurting was earned, that I was at fault, that I was a person who deserved to be subservient to pain.

There is incredible power in a name. That is a fantasy trope-you control what you can label. Just as my behavior was molded by flat out denials that any abuse was happening, that I had provoked my own torment and it was thereby deserved, my recovery was shaped by the term for why I suffered flashbacks, irritability, anxiety and dissociation; <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Post Traumatic Stress Disorder</a> is not something you can bounce back from, but great healing is possible. For me, that took the form of learning to remain present and conscious, first through traditional therapy, yoga, Shambhala meditation, training in energy work (Reiki), a women only gift circle, and, finally, non traditional therapy. During this long, curving process, I learned more words, <a href="http://rebekkaksteg.com/2012/08/02/have-you-been-a-victim-of-gaslighting/">gaslighting</a> and <a href="http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimidation">intimidation</a> among them.

Knowing those words protected me. When shit got hard, I stayed present and conscious, I remembered those words, and I did not let their use alter my course. Recognizing my own strength and employing it is liberating.

But it is also painful. Every word I write on <a href="https://thespire.wordpress.com/2014/05/09/writing-the-shit/">this topic is a humiliating reminder</a> to parents that worked to change. As a parent, I myself know the hurt of a child's anguished litany after years of doing my absolute best. I have heard the words in many ways from my own child, "Mom, here is a list of the ways you have failed me."

I believe there is something here, unexplored. How can I love parents who treated me with such disrespect? How can I disrespect parents who treated me with such love? I have no answers. Only the mantra I have brought to my own parenting: if you don't want people to know you have done it, don't do it. Words and actions, once performed, belong to those who receive them. We are no longer free to edit and shape. We must accept, reflect and hope.

Since my opening letter, my mother has explored my boundaries. She has wondered what I will share. I know she would love if I chose not to write on this topic again. At least, she has requested, could I use a pen name?

I understand. I had the incredible fortune once to sit with a woman named Cetti. Cetti heard the crack in my heart when <a href="https://thespire.wordpress.com/2014/05/08/confessions-of-an-almost-abuser/">I admitted that I wanted to hurt my child</a>. I was shocked by my admission, but she was not. She sat with me while I cried and shook with fury at the legacy my parents had left me. I felt like a volcano seconds from eruption, and I considered my parents the tenders of my molten core.

Cetti said we all find fault in our parents. Valid or not, she advised me to let go of the rage. She said that road was never ending, and as a parent I knew it to be true. We all carry a family legacy of failings. If I blamed my parents for my parenting, l would have to blame my grandparents for their parenting, and so it would go until the dirt of every grave of every ancestor was churned and muddied with the plaintive, resentful, "Why?"

"Or," was Cetti's implication, "you can start from now."

Okay. Yes. Now. That makes sense. History is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but now belongs to me.
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@albuluhi ·
life is filled with color, trauma, fear, greed, joy, and others, it's all the natural destiny that happens to man, only man must be able to learn from every joint of life that he has passed. for a peyesalan not come twice, and can rise if a soul is traumatized. thanks.
👍  
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@shawnamawna ·
I love this. Yes, we must learn, and we can rise far when we transform our trauma to joy.
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@arbitrarykitten ·
$0.07
*the mantra I have brought to my own parenting: if you don't want people to know you have done it, don't do it.* ~ I tell my children something similar.  I call it the headline test.  If you don't want it on the front page of the news, don't do it.

Writing.  Sharing.  Getting it *out there*.  That is how people become aware.  That is how others see something reflected within them and feel that twinge to change.

Telling our stories.  Raw and unfiltered. This is how we change the world.
👍  
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@shawnamawna ·
Agreed 1000 times over. I wish I were a whale to upvote this bigger.
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@corpsvalues ·
Thank you for the courageous post.
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@shawnamawna ·
Thank you for reading!
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@gaman ·
Resteemed your article.  This article was resteemed because you are part of the New Steemians project. You can learn more about it here: https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@gaman/new-steemians-project-launch
👍  
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@muftykutink ·
everyone has trauma and anger in his heart, but what is worth doing is to be patient. because if anger overwhelms us then anger will dominate one's consciousness.
it may be a traumatic harassment for a person, but do not let the trauma we experience make someone else a victim.
I often reflect on myself to correct my mistakes in the past
👍  
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@shawnamawna ·
I agree that is very important to not be reactive, both to the sharing of experiences and when sharing our experiences. We owe abusers nothing, but choosing to write from a place of compassion creates space for our own healing which protects those who read out words.
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@redhens ·
Another beautifully written and insightful post. As a parent, I strive to avoid the mistakes my parents made. And I'm sure my children will strive to avoid the ones I'm surely making with their own kids. We live and we learn.
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@shawnamawna ·
Doing our best is the best. <3
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@shapeshifter43 ·
$0.07
I love the compassion you show here for everyone involved when you ask how you can love them as they disrespect you, and how you can disrespect them if you love them? I believe you, see you, hear you,  as you struggle with this latest attempt at silencing, but I so admire your loving approach to everything: "They don't want [you] to remember because they don't want to remember." And your mantra of "if you don't want people to know you have done it, don't do it"--well, we would all do well to live by that standard. So much love to you. <3
👍  
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@snowmachine ·
$18.52
Resteemed. The same thing happened to me a few weeks ago - I am no contact but they found a way to contact me anyway. it feels like descending back into the worst parts of the abuse, but writing about it is important. It gives us power, the ability to say that what happened to us was real.
👍  , , , ,
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@shawnamawna ·
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm so happy it speaks to so many. I mean, I don't wish the pain on anyone, but the power portion, yes. We deserve to reclaim our power.
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@sostrin ·
The only way we can begin to heal is to own our own stories. I often wonder how far I should go when telling my story. I was abused by a family friend who is still a good friend to my mother, especially since my father passed. I wonder what damge it woud do her to read the true story. I think its worth the risk to tell my story to all who will listen.  I used to be a victim but now I see that the experience was my gift to others that have been abused , and its important work that I am supposed to do
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@steemedchitty ·
$0.08
I agree that there is no point in continuing the cycle of hate and blaming. History is, as you say, history, and if you can manage to be forgiving and understanding of those who wronged you, all the better for yourself. Grudges help nobody, much less the person who holds them.

I wasn't abused as a child, but I'm sure my mother could have done a better job at handling her emotions and not taking her frustrations out on me. I naver hated her for it, I think I understood from an early age that it really wasn't her fault, she struggled with life at the time... Even so, seeing the effects of those parts of my childhood in my current personality and the way I approach situations is a constant reminder that each one of our actions can have a deep effect on others, especially if they're children.

Sharing personal experience brings many good things to your life, and it helps others understand what's _really_ going on with topics and news they may know only as numbers and cold facts. Anyone doing it, like you are, is fighting _the good fight_. Keep fighting it, you have me and many others rooting for you.

Naturally: Followed and upvoted!
👍  
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vote details (1)
@shawnamawna ·
Thank you, truly, for this comment. ❤️❤️❤️
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@wholeself-in ·
"If you don't want people to know you have done it, don't do it. Words and actions, once performed, belong to those who receive them. We are no longer free to edit and shape. We must accept, reflect and hope."

That is so perfect, I just wanted to see it again.
👍  
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vote details (1)
@shawnamawna ·
$0.26
❤️ Thank you so much. 

It's a relief to be able to own what has happened to us without owing those who contributed to our pain.
👍  , , , , , , , , , , ,
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