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Insert a thousand obscenities here.

I was writing this piece about what a huge slut I am, but then I realized I was bored. BORED. The world didn't need to know about the Filipino man (Not you, the other one) who said that I was so enigmatic that he asked whether he should hold me or put his foot in my face. Nobody needs to know that at six years old I fantasized about being beaten with whips. And I wrote a book about a nymphomaniac that's coming out in the fall (Stay tuned!), so I feel like I've exhausted my slut-quota for the year. Maybe the whole decade.

Because now I want to tell you guys some things that are really interesting, some things that are truly subversive and fucked up.

These days I have sex with my eyes open sometimes because it feels kinkier to me to be open to the possibility of being loved than whips and leather masks.

Love doesn't have to fade if you don't let it, because you control the narrative of your own life. And I love my boyfriend just as much as I did when I first moved in with him four years ago after a month of dating. 

I don't work a day job. My job is my writing, but I'm certainly not making enough to live off of it. I finally let a man support me and quit my job at EA partially because he'd gotten promoted and made enough to let me just write for a living. When I close my eyes I can hear the feminists screaming. I'd been supporting myself fully since I was 19 while most people I knew were still on their parent's cell phone bill. I always avoid telling people because I feel like it makes me sound like an entitled, prissy bourgeois "kept" woman who doesn't understand the struggles of being a "real" writer. Trust me, I do. I've been there. I've fallen asleep in coffee shops at 2 A.M trying to edit my novel after an 80 hour work week and spend days sleeping in my car. I've cried many days because I've been so stressed juggling my 40 hour work week job, a freelance gig, and my own writing. 

I'd like to say I'm puritanical about it and spend 10+ hours a day working to make up for not bringing in any income, but I don't. Sometimes we play video games together all day instead, because life isn't just about how productive you can be. 
I've stopped drinking and I walk my dogs nearly every day.
My friend I'd known for 8 years told me the other day how much I'd changed. "I don't know. You're nicer now." I feel like every part of me is now open to the experience of being happy, and in general I treat people with more empathy.
I don't party much anymore. I mostly stay at home except for outings to go to my martial arts class or the grocery store. Maybe I'll get sushi once a month or so. People might say my life is boring, but I almost never feel bored. I'm constantly excited about the possibilities open in front of me. Books to write, books to read, games to play, martial arts to practice.
I haven't had a one-night stand in almost 2 years.
I cook for my boyfriend sometimes.
I clean now, because I realize that taking pride in your environment shows that you care about yourself, and in general my mind can relax more.

I'm more confident in my ability to say no now, because I know that I don't need other's approval for my internal schema. If I'm sure in myself, then I don't need permission.

I go to martial arts class everyday and do weight training 4 days a week. I'm bulking to get more muscle and I looked in the mirror the other day and saw I was getting thicker than a snicker. Instead of having a panic attack and throwing up all the contents of my stomach because I wasn't skinny enough, I was proud of myself for all the hard work I was doing at getting stronger.

Half the time I don't wake up with panic thrumming in my throat like a trapped bird.