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My father had become sick and passed away suddenly. I was angry with him and refused to be there when he was in hospice. I was in a transitional phase in my life. I had just ended a relationship and my business had failed and property had been repossessed. I was looking for answers and began a spiritual journey with the goal of getting to know myself.

I am sitting in the diner eating breakfast and a man approached me and asked me " Are you interested in finding your life purpose?"  This came out of nowhere and that's exactly what I was interested in. He told me about a self-discovery group starting in about seven days and that if I could act fast, I could register. The group would meet for 12 hours a day for five consecutive days. I told him that I would attend

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I walked into the room and there were about 40 people there. Most were professionals and academics.  One of the first things we did as a group was to get into two circles. One inner circle and one outer circle. The people in the inner circle would face the people in the outer circle. We were to close our eyes and hold up 1 finger if we wanted to hug the other person, 2 fingers if we wanted a handshake and 3 fingers if we wanted no contact at all. Then the circle would move until you faced a new person. 
In one of the rotations, I found myself facing a young woman. She had short hair and wore baggy clothes. At a quick glance, I could have easily mistaken her for a boy. We closed our eyes and held up our signs. When we opened our eyes I was holding up 1 finger and she was holding up 1 finger.  She looked at my hand and literally exploded into a smile. She was radiating energy and lit up the whole room. I thought in the moment that she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I had never seen an aura or even believed in such a thing but I swear she was radiating colors. We gave each other a hug and the only way I can describe what I felt was love. I felt safe, secure, protected. And then the circle rotated.

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Three days later we were doing an exercise where they were performing mock funerals for women in the group that had experienced abortions. It was very sad. They took a bundle of blankets and placed it in the woman's arms and had her simulate burring the baby. The women were crying and my heart hurt for them. When all the women were done they asked if any men had taken part in an abortion.  30 years prior I had made my teenage girlfriend pregnant. We decide to have an abortion. It was a horrible experience that I had talked about a few times over the years and had believed that I had made peace with what I had done. I wasn't going to volunteer but something made me step forward. 

The minute that they put the bundle in my hand I fell apart. I end up on my knees, hysterical crying and apologizing to God for the horrible thing that I had done. I was wretching so violently that I thought I had pulled an abdomen muscle.  I felt a hand on my back consoling me. I felt like a monster and deserving of punishment. My head was throbbing. I was not aware of anything else in the room except for a person kneeling by my side and their hand on my back.  Some time had passed and I had calmed down. I turned to look at who had been consoling me and to my surprise it was the girl from the circle.  The whole time I heard a voice in my head that said" I forgive you".  I am not sure what the voice was , or where it came from but somehow I felt relieved. The girl by my side was there to support me and protect me and somehow I knew she would be there.

I almost starting crying as a wrote this. It was such a powerful experience. I learned about love and forgiveness. I learned about the power and energy that people have inside themselves and gained knowledge that they could lend it to other people for support. I learned that I had the capacity to hold terrible things inside for many years and that it would eat at me without my knowledge or consent. I learned that my god could forgive me, and I coud forgive myself