![Powerlessness.gif](https://steemitimages.com/DQmbtsTG37q324RGrGRy17JEn6dVhxPBjB6gCYBcsuaVR9b/Powerlessness.gif)

The first step in any 12 step program states “We admitted we were powerless over ----Fill in the blank------ and our lives had become unmanageable”. We are not all alcoholics or overeaters, or gamblers but I believe that we can all relate to the idea of powerlessness and unmanageability in our lives.

We are powerless when the driving force in our life is beyond our control. What are some driving forces?
1.)	The desire to smoke. Having to go outside to smoke when at work
2.)	The desire for perfection. The need to do everything exactly right
3.)	The desire to obtain money. Working constantly
4.)	The desire for outside validation. Taking selfies
5.)   The need to make others agree with us

Here are some things we can be powerless over
1.) Sex
2.) Relationships
3.) Our boss at work
4.) Our family members
5.) Drugs
6.) Smoking
7.) Traffic

We know at an intellectual level that these needs and desires are irrational yet we are controlled by obsession and compulsion to act out on desires. Even if we made a conscious decision to stop we find ourselves engaging in the same behavior seemingly against our will. This is the definition of powerlessness. It would be wrong to associate powerless with weakness or lack of willpower. To think this way would indicate that there is something wrong with us, or that we are broken.

Unmanageability is the outward evidence of our powerlessness. We can be unmanageable on the outside, where others can see it too, or we can be unmanageable on the inside. Hitting the snooze button and getting to work late, infidelity in relationships, driving while intoxicated, getting several speeding tickets in a row, getting arrested, and road rage are all signs of outward unmanageability.  Unmanageability on the inside consists of distorted beliefs and ideas about our reality. Believing the world revolves around us, thinking our job is to fix people, thinking we need to make others believe what we do, believing were are “less than” or worthless are all sings of inner unmanageability.

**A little story about me :**

 I woke up one morning in 2012 and I was agitated about my relationship. We were together for six years and were almost finished building our house.  We didn’t communicate very well and I decided to run. So I packed up all my stuff and disappeared. I was now officially homeless.  I was also at the time addicted to prescription pain medication. I had tried to quit but, I would get violently ill. I was in business for myself and the housing market had just crashed. As a result, my business was not doing very well. This was not the first relationship that I had walked away from, It was not the first time that I had had a problem with drugs and it's not the first business that I was involved in that was failing. I was depressed and miserable. I could not understand how this kept happing to me.

 I seemed to be stuck in a pattern where every few years I would wind up in the same situation. I believed that I was just not good at the game of life and that I could just not get ahead. I felt like a victim. My life was clearly unmanageable and yet I felt that, If I could just figure things out I could get my life back on track. I had admitted that I was powerless over the pain medication, it had definitely taken hold on me physically and mentally but I believe that I had the power to fix everything else.

 
That night I had no place to stay and I didn’t care. I called up a friend and went out to get a beer. While having a beer we met a friend of his and decided to go to another bar. As it turns out I was the only 46 year old white guy in the bar and I was the only one who did not speak Spanish. My friend had an issue with another guy at the bar and a huge bar fight broke out. The bouncers broke up the fight and we were informed that we could not go outside because they were waiting for us with guns. Guns? Really? The bouncers led us to a back door where we could sneak out without being caught. We left the bar and decided to go across town to a strip club. After the strip club closed we went to an after-hours bar. Finally at 10am the next day I checked into a hotel in order to get some sleep. I woke up feeling hungover and miserable. I had no idea how my life situation had degraded to this so fast. I knew that I had to make some changes before I wound up dead.

![a-plan.gif](https://steemitimages.com/DQmXN4PE3DkWe93PoHamU4i7fWvbRUTXkYdxuMxUuG1Wu9A/a-plan.gif)


I decided to attend a local 12 step meeting. First I would quit the drugs and then my plan was to attend as many 12 step meetings as possible. I had planned to fix myself in the quickest amount of time.  My plan did not work out the way I thought it would. As I did more work, I began to get a deeper understanding of powerlessness and unmanageability. The truth was that I was powerless over just about everything.  I discovered that my thoughts and beliefs were not exactly accurate and I was behaving and acting based on these false beliefs. I was incapable of making rational decisions and as I looked back at my past there was evidence that I had been incapable for quite a long time. My life had been unmanageable for many years. You could imagine that this realization had come as a huge shock.  What the hell was I going to do now? How could I fix all the unmanageability if I was powerless?

See my next post to see what happens

While you wait here are some interesting questions to ask yourself

1.) What am I powerless over?
2.) Have I done things while acting out that I am not proud of?
3.) Do I manipulate people to get what I want?
4.) Have I ever tried to stop a behavior and found out I couldn't ( Eating, Smoking, Staying in a toxic relationship?)
5.) Has my behavior caused me to hurt myself or others?