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At high school, the class read an old book named, "Flowers for Algernon", which was a fiction story about a mentally challenged man who was given an experimental drug that made increasingly intelligent, only to have the effects wear off until he was back at his former self. An idiot.

It was around this time in my life that I got very ill and had gone from being very sporty to bedridden in the space of a couple months, losing all faith in my body, something I had always relied on. I think it was in combination with this that the book had an oversized impact on my psyche, as I could relate to the loss of ability, but had also been grateful that even though my body had degraded into unrecognizability, I was still able to function mentally. 

![IMG_20210623_091224.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23wq29Pf7LhMDJHRTryk5KLvppLXAPxJVHuHENnw9hhZm8PKuG3TCZFQUfXZvCQnLzniV.jpg)

This is now something I have to heavily question, as after the events of the last days, there has been some heavy degradation in some of my neuro-skills, as well as my speech centers at the mental and the physical level. While I can probably fool most people under daily conditions I talk to into believing I am fine, my wife has already noticed it and I have felt it creeping up over the last month, which is likely from when the major event took place and then was exploded last Saturday. 

It is quite daunting to face the prospect of being of knowingly diminished capacity and I am not sure if I am coping with it well. I have two jobs that rely predominantly on my ability to think quickly on my feet in complex situations and I am not sure what happens if I am unable to adequately meet the tasks, as I have very limited job opportunities in Finland, or anywhere without the skills I have. 

A speech therapist did a preliminary visit after I had said to the neurologist of my concerns and at first, I thought I was being a drama queen. However, once she started doing some of the tests, I quickly realized I was struggling far more than I should have been and at times, literally had nothing - like my brain got to a point at the edge of the map and was staring into the void. None of these tasks were difficult, most of them I have done with my past language students before. 

As I sat there silent, struggling to find simple words - there was a sense of impending doom pushing to get into the driver's seat of my feelings and I could feel my emotional state saying "time to panic" even though it was also saying to stay calm. It would have been very easy to let have control and relegate my agency into the backseat as a passenger. 

*It pissed me off that I was even having this conversation in my head.* 

Based on a few of observations, I will be here a bit longer and they gave me an MRI just a moment ago to see if the higher resolution will uncover any damage in my brain. It is possible that I suffered some kind of stroke as a result of what is called a [*carotid artery dissection*](https://www.cedars-sinai.org/health-library/diseases-and-conditions/c/carotid-dissection.html) near my brain stem, which sounds pretty scary and can be, as it is the major reason for strokes in younger people. 

The treatment for it is pretty simple so far, which is injections and then pills with Warfarin, an anti-coagulant that should stop clots forming, but it takes some time to build up in the body and around six months of treatment going forward. I will also have to see a speech therapist in a few weeks once my body starts to recover naturally, to make sure things are starting to align properly again, something that is vital for my continued employment. 

Right now, I am struggling to write and speak properly, but I also consider myself lucky in this regard since I have practice built into my lifestyle, including writing on Hive. Hopefully, it assists my rehabilitation. 

>With a little news just in (which makes me feel like I am thinking faster than I am), it appears I did have a little bit of a [cerebral infarction,](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerebral_infarction) which means I had a mini stroke. My doctor thinks that I will recover from it, but it is going to take some time and training to get back to where I was, if it does return that far. 

I don't really know what to make of this at the moment, but in typical process, I am putting my thoughts out on the chain. While it is still very early days and a lot can happen, I know it could have very easily been a catastrophic event that would have probably killed me. This would make it my fourth "death adjacent" event in my life, where odds were 50/50 or worse. I am guessing that eventually, I don't get to keep counting.  

For now though, I think it is a good time to reflect, take stock and be grateful for life so far. This includes looking back over my own processes and how I approach the world, as even though there is very little I could have done to prevent this issue, I may as well use the experience to see if I can improve myself a little. 

While I might have died, near death, *isn't death* and there is still a bit more life to live. 

Perhaps my mind will never return, perhaps I will be retarded in my abilities for the rest of my life. I don't know, but I guess the journey is finding out how good we can be in the conditions we find ourselves. Regardless of our starting point or what we face, we each have the same potential to do our individual best and, we all end up in the same place.

Talk soon. 
*If I remember what I wanted to say.*


Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ] 



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