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After screwing up my power needs at the end of last season, I am now having to claw back in both Wild and Modern to get the season on track. So far, after over 100 games, I have managed to move my Wild From Silver 1 to Diamond 3 so far, and played a few rounds of Modern, to take it from Gold 2 to Gold 1.

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But as you can see, in order to do so, I have had to play a lot of games already, just to get back to the "worst case" of where I would normally like to start. Ideally, I would be able to start at least Wild from Diamond 2, and Modern from Diamond 3. 

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<center>Damn it.</center>

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It is pretty frustrating - I dislike making mistakes like this, but I am glad that it wasn't too catastrophic, meaning that at the end of the day, it is just a game and while annoying, it is at best a couple weeks work to get back to where I was playing. It isn't "that important" in the grand scheme of things, but I have enjoyed the interruption from my daily routines with a little entertainment, while still feeling like it is adding value, meaning it is not a complete loss of my time and effort.

Occasionally, there is a need for a little "escapism", as life can get pretty shitty at times, but I still don't see the point in wasting that time either. No matter how crap things may be, I intend that my actions will be value-adding to my experience and in the direction toward where I want to be.

>It isn't easy.

Often, because I have no idea where I want to be and other times, because I can't always find something that adds value that I am able to dive into. Yeah, like everyone, I get demotivated at times too. And sometimes, those periods can be quite long, especially since the health issues I had last year, where now it is hard to have any motivation for anything at all. This means that regardless of what I do, there is very little "ant" in it, but I know it has to be done. 

Not only this, I also know that even if I don't want to do it now (or perhaps ever again), that doesn't mean I *shouldn't do it,* because I have thought this through a lot and if suddenly I were to snap back to "old me", I would kick myself hard if I had wasted my time *waiting for motivation.*

>Fuck, waiting annoys me.

And I don't mean because I am impatient, but it annoys me when I or anyone is waiting for the "right time" to do something, because that time is always now. This doesn't mean timing is always right for all things, but rather, that while it *isn't right for something,* there is plenty of things that could be done in the meantime. It is there life, but seeing people wait for better conditions to act while doing nothing in support annoys me. Similarly, it "pains me" when people are waiting for circumstances to degrade before they act to improve it. 

>Be proactive and preemptive. 

Act toward what you want, shore up defenses against what you don't. Do both simultaneously. Too often we end up so driven in the direction of what we want, we fail to see the risks. And, sometimes we get so fearful of what we don't want, that we fail to go for what we do. Balance is key and while there is no guarantee in where we get what we want or avoid what we don't, at least in my head, our chances are better when we *act with intention.* At the very least, we get a sense that we might have some control over our lives and in the best and worst of our experience, we have choices.

>Choose better!

*If only it were so easy, eh?* But is it hard to choose, or is it hard to *follow through* on what we choose? I find that a lot of people are more than capable and willing to make the choices in their lives, knowing what they want and even how to go about getting it - but where they fail is in the execution, the steps. 

The other day I was trying to explain this to Smallsteps using the old adage of, 

> ## "the longest journey starts with a single step."

And then we discussed how even the largest tasks get accomplished a piece at a time, using our kitchen renovation as an example, where planning and demolition had to be done, before anything new could be created. Initial steps matter, because 

>if we never take the first step, we never travel anywhere. 

Where do you want to be?

*I mean it.* Not in some airy fairy "wishing and hoping" context. I mean, 

>where the fuck do you want to be, what are the steps *you need to take* to get there and, when the hell are you going to act with intention toward that end?

What are you doing with your life? 

>## What the hell am I doing with mine? 

But you see? It doesn't erally matter what you do or what I do in regard to each other, and while we can evaluate and have an opinion about wheat we perceive from each other, we can only each live the experience we have - so you can dislike what I want to be and the way I go about getting there, but at the end of the day, the real question is,

>Are you happy with your own efforts in this life?

I am not talking about results here, I am talking about *effort.* Effort is the attempt, not the result. We spend far too long worrying about the results and far too little energy making the attempts and as a result, very few of us get the results we are truly after and we end up adjusting our endgoal to make ourselves feel better for not having made it. 

# Capture Rate.

I have burned a lot of my energy in this life and haven't necessarily got very far, but I am trying to improve my efficiency, trying to get to where I want to go with a little more intention, a little less superfluous movement, a tighter ship, a more focused mind. It is hard, because as much as I want it, my motivation is almost non-existent to achieve it. So each morning I open my eyes and my body says, 

>*"stay in bed"* 


Do you know what I reply?
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> # Fuck you.

*I'll do what the fuck I want, even if "I" don't want me to do it.*

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]



 

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