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In what was more of a side discussion with @outwars about moving in together, we talked about what leads into a lasting relationship. These days, people tend to be quite cautious getting into relationships, looking to protect their emotions to stop getting hurt, feeling bad, stupid, or any real discomfort at all.- The dating cycle probably last longer, and more than likely these days, there are several people being dated at the same time. But in the past, relationships tended to last longer. 

> Why?

![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23wqdrD4dwPKjGDoGPkLtE1Jff9K4zjde4EuqswHG2FEFMpupExxoYCsqaSfCQSgkvYN2.png)

Now I don't know, but as usual., I will throw my hat into the ring with some of my theories as to what the difference is between now and then, and then we can discuss it further in the comment section. I think it is a good way to get theories out and get people thinking in ways they might not have earlier, or for them to bring clarity and correction to my thinking. 

> Let's jump in.

@outwars
>Couples usually build up their relationship while dating. They put their best foot forward, slowly get comfortable with each other, and eventually showing their regular side. 


Yes, this is what people do now, but it wasn't always so, was it? Even if we don't consider arranged marriages, which supposedly have a divorce rate of only four percent, there are a couple of key conditions that didn't exist earlier, which might be summed up as, "less options". Communities were smaller and more homogenous across many factors, people travelled less, moved less and if one wanted to go further afield, the hurdles were quite high, as evidenced by this [article I wrote](@tarazkp/an-old-time-love) some seven years ago. There was just a lot less variation in to choose from. 

Nowadays though, the variation is near unlimited, even down to the gender chosen, which used to be limited to a binary decision. But now, dating is gamified, as is the entire ecosystem we operate within. It is an attention economy and with so many things to pay attention to, how much is left to be spent on finding, building and maintaining a relationship?

We were talking about when a couple should move in together and like in the quote above, the general idea is that people should get to know each other first and I think, this might be part of the problem. During the dating phase, do you really get to know someone, or is it when in the relationship, "stuck together" in a confined space, that the real habits are uncovered? 

Thinking about those arranged marriages, a couple might not know each other very well at all, but are suddenly living together under the same roof. Rather than starting from a place of attraction, falling in love and then moving in together, they have the space to move in together and fall in love. It might not be as passionate, but it can develop slowly, building respect and understanding, acceptance and shared experience, before turning into romantic attraction.  

I am not a fan of arranged marriages, but I do see some benefits of a lack of choice in the matter. A lot of our modern lives is looking at expanding our choices and over the last decade or two, the number of options has exploded across every domain, but it isn't making us happier. Instead, we are probably more anxious, more stressed, because even when we can over come the decision freeze, as soon as we choose, we have buyers remorse as we know there were many other options we could have taken.

> Keep on swiping.

And I am not just talking about dating apps, but the entire digital space that we consume through our phones. Our attention is not only spread thin, not only taken away from what matters, but what is in front of our eyes is an endless supply of *alternatives* to what we have, or could have. It makes us desire more than we can ever consume, and want what may not be in our own best interest. Not only this, the expectation versus the reality of what we see and get, can be two completely different things. 

> More buyers remorse.

To finish off this train of thought, perhaps one of the main reasons so many relationships are doomed before they start these days, is because we have made everything disposable, including ourselves. We have created and support a consumer world, where it is about buying, using, and throwing away. Not only is nothing built to last anymore, it is also built not to be repaired. It is "cheaper" to buy an entire new TV, than get one fixed, and pretty much all gadgets have a lifespan of two years. 

And this mentality has seeped into all of our behaviors, where rather than work and build through problems in a relationship, it is far easier to just bail instead. There are more people waiting in the wings just a swipe away, so why go through the heartache.? And it is a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts, because the more this happens, when people do try and break the conditioned mold, it is far more likely to end badly, which makes them warier the next time.

One of my favorite parts in a poem are from ["On Love"](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/148579/on-love) by *Khalil Gibran.*

>When love beckons to you, follow him,
     Though his ways are hard and steep.
     And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
     Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
     And when he speaks to you believe in him,
     Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

Maybe the reason that relationships don't work out now is because we aren't willing to work at them hard enough. Like any investment, a relationship requires resources and if we aren't willing to invest, we aren't going to see any gains. Instead, our resources will just be spent on a lot of random crap, to perpetuate the consumer mindset. 

>Renters to the point, *we are paying to feel loved.*  

Forever in debt. 

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]

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