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>It all does my head in!

*Well, my brains* at least. 

There are just so many moving parts in life at the moment, spread across multiple disciplines, time zones and social sets, all demanding and clamoring for time and attention. I am not sure how long I will be able to hold it all together before I make some kind of fatal mistake that will cost me dearly. 

>It is a bit like driving drunk - through the Swiss Alps. 

I should get a secretary. But my wife won't even dress up as one for me, and she is a secretary!

*She is not - she is a recruitment specialist.*

That might have been one of those "grave errors" if she reads this. 

But, the chances of that, *are low.*

![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/243g968dNNKsZJrAZ56Y5GfFXr92q44MbvNoQ7U8ZSbEHuGWLEeRspGRqdK2CC7Mhv4GW.png)

Really though, I do feel a little out of sorts as there are a lot of things going on currently, with work very, very busy, my business *not busy enough,* getting used to the new preschool schedules and communication, investment concerns, economic worries, crypto complexity across multiple points, writing, engaging and of course, juggling family life. 

>And the kitchen!!

I got a night off from the kitchen though, because last night the tradesman and I worked a bit harder and got all the framing in ready for the electrician to wire the lights and switches. Which reminds me, we still haven't got lights yet. Or a sink. Or a tap. 

We have some time until we need them, but not a lot of time to find them and have them delivered, if we must. And damn, sinks, lights and taps are expensive. Not as expensive as the countertops though - they are crazy. They also take a long time to get delivered, even though the factory cutting them is only about 10 kilometers away. 

We have an Ikea kitchen and were going to take the stone tops from there, but instead we have chosen to pay slightly more and have them made locally, just because. The price difference was negligible, but they are a family-owned business and it is good to support them, before they all disappear. And, since the kitchen should last until I am mid-60s, the small price difference will be meaningless in the long-run.

But, as you can see, these are the things that catch my mind and have me going off on a tangent constantly. I feel like my head is being pulled by invisible hands in all directions simultaneously, by people who don't have a lot of respect for my neck. 

What annoys me the most about this is, prior to the stroke, I would have comfortably been doing this and more, but since - everything takes longer with more effort, and the results aren't as good, which means checking and double-checking things that I would have "first pass" completed. Other than those who have followed along here, most people have very little idea how much extra energy everything is taking now and my physical and mental stamina "isn't what it used to be" unfortunately. 

To get what I need to do done, I am working a few more hours a day than I would have needed earlier. And while some will (perhaps wisely) say, relax a bit, I don't feel I have the opportunity, as I can feel the clock ticking on my productivity, regardless what I do. It isn't really about burning out as much as getting frustrated at my own incompetence. I am relatively reflective on my own experiences and, I don't like what is looking back at me. 

Again, as I was talking about perspective today in another post, this might just be mu view and the people around me don't notice much change at all, but "my view" is all that really matters in *my experience.* No one else can be me, I can't be anyone else. Even if I change my view of myself to better match my new "abilities", I would go in having to accept that I will never meet my own standards again, which is hard to swallow without feeling the pain that comes with it. 

Perhaps one day, all the stars will align and all the things I have done up until that point will pay off and I can drop the extra work, spend more time on the things that are important to me for what they are, not the money involved and just, *not have to worry* about whether bills are able to be paid. 

>That seems like a pipe dream.

But I guess, much of the good results that happen in life seem like dreams until they are a reality. Until then though, it is just one of those situations where it is put the head down and nose to the grindstone to keep on going, just in case it doesn't happen after all. 

What is good to acknowledge though is, in the history of the world and at any given point in time, there are people who would likely be happy in this situation, given their own current circumstances. Sure, they don't really know what it is like, but that is always the case from the outside looking in - the inside temperature is unknown. 

I am glad about being able to continue on doing any of this though really, as if the stroke had gone differently, I could be dead or in the worst case, a vegetable sitting in the corner, unable to do anything other than drool and be a burden. And I reckon that is part of the reason I keep on keeping on, because I don't want to be a burden on anyone, ever - especially not my family. This way, I am still producing and covering my debts.

For now at least.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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