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A colleague of mine messaged me today while en route to a client meeting somewhere in Austria. He was driving with another colleague (who was driving) and messaged how beautiful the scenery was, saying;

> I could give up this work nonsense and just chill here for a while.

![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/245TJ8UKr8wJGQYLwpQgvpF7P99joTqr6uQrscgJeLB8NRQ5RWVNMsJPpuqJkhMAjtEUG.png)

> Yep. 

*I feel it.* 

Not because work sucks or anything like that, but perhaps I think I get more tired than I did before the stroke. I still pretty much do the same things, but the extra effort it takes just in thinking power, leaves me more drained these days. Due to illness, over the last three decades I have learned to keep doing regardless of how I actually feel, but it has stepped up a level in the last years perhaps. Living in the mountains might do me some good.

>But realistically, that isn't going to happen. 

Because while it is easy to say, it is far harder to do. Outside of a short holiday, the disruption to life would just be far too great. Perhaps it would be different if it was just me to think about, but that isn't the case. With a family, there are other factors to consider. Can't just pick up and leave.

> ... I'm going out for milk...

I think this is where having large amounts of wealth would be handy - along with a thousand other areas. But, just being able to do as one pleases financially, and go with the wind, sounds pretty great. Granted, I would probably get bored after a couple months and be looking for something useful to do, but having the option available is what probably affects my mind the most.  

> Or maybe it's knowing that I don't have the option.

Sometimes I wonder if it is because I don't really know what I would do if I was in the position to do whatever I wanted, that I am not in that position. Perhaps I self-sabotage because I haven't laid out the plans clearly enough. I perhaps because I haven't laid out the plans clearly enough, I don't start enacting them. 

> Probably the latter.

Of course, doing the right thing doesn't automatically mean the desired results will arrive, but not doing them pretty much guarantees they won't. There is always the lottery of chance of course, and many of us seem to play that game, doing as we please, wanting something we aren't working toward. Getting bitter when we don't get what we want.

> Better. Not bitter.

That is my heading at the moment. I am trying to "work on myself" so that my actions *better represent* who I aim to be, rather than reflect the conditions of my life now. Sure, my mind and body might be more tired than it perhaps should be at my age, but succumbing to the current conditions is going to lead to further degradation of areas I would rather build instead. 

> I'm the kind of person who...

How do I want to finish that sentence? 

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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