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>I can't imagine.

*Literally.*

well, there is something there, but my ability to visualize context from detail is severely lacking and when I try to search my mind, it is largely blank. Perhaps I have become a master meditator and now I am just naturally Zen.

>*Clear your mind.*

Done!


![OI000139.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23uFPm9LCvBUx9bDfCF4Do6Jg9ioD9dDWs6oPmrTghAft16FSJntLkkPWREMH92fzLQBj.jpg)



This causes many problems in my daily life as well as heavily reduces my ability in my work life, as I am unable to develop the mental imagery required to problem solve. I don't know if most people really understand what I am talking about here, but if you can imagine reading a fiction book where the characters and scenes are detailed, but you are unable to clearly visualize what they is described. For me at least, this is something that not only makes it very difficult to understand what is actually going on as I can't build a mental representation of the world, but it also takes away the enjoyment of reading itself. 

Which leads into another problem.

*Motivation.*

For about a month after the stroke, I felt very disconnected from myself. It was like my head was not attached to my body and I was experiencing the world in third person, looking at myself interact, rather than from myself. It was strange and very much dreamlike and to describe it, it is sort of like watching a character in a movie and hearing the soliloquy of the conversation in their head. You know you are part of a private conversation, but you also know that you aren't the character. 

This kind of disconnection is still present, but much weaker than it was - but now that I am "back in my own body" so to speak, other experiential issues are more apparent. Now I feel disconnected from the world, because I am unable to imagine context clearly, which might seem a slight issue, but the imagination is very, very important.

For example, if I say, "imagine a dog" - a dog will appear in your minds eye, but it isn't any dog, it is *your dog.* What I mean is that whatever you imagine and how you imagine it, is absolutely unique to you. It may be a dog you own, one you had as a child, a cartoon dog or whatever - but it is your image. This means that your representation is attached personally to you, *investing* you into the conversation. 

This is very important for many things, but one of the powers of storytelling is being able to involve the audience in the story itself through suggestion. The suggestions get built into images and the told story gets created by the viewer, making the story their own. 

This process of creation is why Einstein suggested *reading* fairytales to children to improve their intelligence, because it forces creativity by engaging the imagination. It is an act of *problem solving.* Unicorns and dragons needn't exist for the mind's eye to make them a reality, all that needs to happen is the creative mind to get to work.

But, when that creative mind is silent, what is left?

Our ability to imagine what "doesn't exist" is how we are able to describe problems and find solutions. We build mental representations of what we are working on and then move the pieces around in our head to find a combination that works. It doesn't matter if we are painters or architects, cleaners or mathematicians - our ability to problem solve is dictated by our ability to imagine the problem itself. 

So, this affects me in two key ways in regards to my ability to work. Firstly, I am unable to describe the problems well enough to visualize them clearly, making problem solving near impossible (unless I already have a strong visual representation embedded). And secondly, because I am unable to make a personal representation of the experiential narrative, I am unable to attach myself to whatever I am working on, lowering my motivation significantly. 

This sets up a difficult problem to overcome, as because I am unable and unmotivated to onboard new narratives, I am also unable to add new capital into my knowledge pool to draw upon and compound against the old. This means that over time, my mental yield will greatly diminish, unless I am able to recover enough and fast enough to be able to ramp it back up. I feel like I am living in mental debt, overdrawing on my psychological account continuously, without putting more in the bank, which I technically am, as I have a mental deficit.  

It is quite an uncomfortable exercise to spend time understanding this in regards to myself better, because the problem itself makes it is very hard to perform the work and then, I have to face the reality of my limitations, without an imagination to soften the blow or describe a better future. Again, this is all very hard to translate into words that perhaps people can imagine for themselves. 

What does seem to help me is writing, as it forces me to perform more slowly. Some people have said that they don't notice a difference in my writing itself (I think there is), but they don't see the process change going on behind the curtain. I was saying to a friend the other day how difficult it is for me to write at the moment and one of the issues is that I am unable to hold the entire post concept in my mind, meaning it is very hard to build flow, and exceptionally hard to make sure I tie up loose ends. 

Key things that I want to add get missed, as do parts I introduce and want to complete towards the end. While I free write, it is like it is written piece at a time over the space of months in my head, where as I start the next line, I first have to remember where I left off, as well as rediscover all of the components I have added thus far, so I can get back to them to make a complete, well-rounded article. And then, I have to do it all again for the next line.

But, at least in regards to writing for Hive, I still hold some level of motivation, which is probably because I already have a wealth of capital held in my head, making it easier to attach myself to what I am doing, which is half the problem solved. 

I don't know where all of this ends up for me long-term and while people keep saying "it has only been a short time" it doesn't make things any easier to deal with, partly because *I can't imagine* a time when I can imagine. I don't know what will happen if it doesn't return in time either, but what I *can imagine* is that if it doesn't, I am going to lose a part of myself that is one of the most valuable parts I owned. 

Can you imagine losing your mind?
*I can't.*

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]



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