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What a day... 

>And it is only halfway through. 

However, I have been up since early morning preparing for the doctor checkup, which included not eating for 16 hours prior. The check went as expected, but I also learned how to use the pen to administer my own treatment from home and thankfully, it was *far less painful* than I expected it to be, which was a *very welcome* surprise. 

>It was a *very little* needle.

So now, I am on a fortnightly schedule of injecting myself every Wednesday and hopefully, it has a smoother kick to it, with the lower dose. 

I have been having this particular treatment for about five years now with a heavy dose every two months, and for the week after, I feel very shitty. Within about six hours of the treatment I would get a severe headache that would last about four or five days and my energy levels would be shot, with "back to normal" after 8-10 days. This lower dose pen will provide four treatments in the same timeframe, so it will spread the dosage out more evenly, but thinly - which supposedly for most people, has proven a better approach and given more consistency to the results too. 


![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/243BbpWAVBNHEKVEa46CtVfq3jm1ujrfHN3tAr5gxQofqHA9ZEGothFNUjvLHJ4mEZk81.png)

Unfortunately, this is not a cure, it is just treats the symptoms of the illness, but perhaps one day there will be some kind of miracle discovery that knocks it out. I really don't like taking medications, which is very ironic, considering how many I now have to take. I am like an elderly person popping twenty pills a day, and I wonder how many of these issues have been caused by the side-effects of other medications, where they stack up and compound against each other, always negatively.

> How come side-effects aren't positive? 
*No better looking. No Smarter. No larger penis.*  

Looks, intelligence and size *don't matter* anyway.

Ooops...

*Of course they do!*

Who believes that these things don't matter? Even the people who say it to make themselves feel better about their own limitations, no deep down they are full of shit. After all, *they judge people on these same things* themselves. When you are walking down the street, you are attracted by someone's looks. When you talk to them, you are attracted by their intelligence. And when you are in bed with them, size matters.

*But, what is attractive is personal preference.* Yes, these preferences can be affected by culture and society, as well as other influencing factors, but at the end of the day, our preferences are our own. Or at least, we have to take some responsibility for them, which might be investigating why we think or feel a certain way over something.

One of the reasons I so strongly dislike requiring treatment is, I strongly dislike *being dependent* on others, and requiring medical treatments and procedures, are things I just can't provide for myself and can barely affect through my own actions. There are things I can do to improve the situation without medication for some parts, but it has limited efficacy. And other issues, I can do nothing about whatsoever.

Being reliant *scares me,* which is probably my biggest fear if I ever get old to the point I can't take care of myself in the home, because then I have to rely on others to do it. It isn't even about the "shame" of needing others, it is about the loss of freedom to be able to take care of myself. We might all be caged in many ways, but at least when I am able to do things for myself, I have the sense of autonomy and agency to direct the course of my own life. Once that goes, while still living, my life is no longer my own. 

>Is that a life worth living?

People might argue that life can still have value, but at what point does the value no longer cover expenses? What point is the quality of life so poor, that any personal value there might be, is not worth it. And then, what about the costs imposed on others? I don't want my daughter to limit her potential because she has to take care of me, even though there is value in learning to care for others. The books fall out of balance very fast, in my opinion.

I do see a future where there is an official "opt-out" possibility for those who feel that their lives are no longer valuable enough to keep living them, which sounds quite dystopic. But, I think that it is far better than the alternatives that people take, as well as the growing need to keep people going, who don't necessarily want to. And it doesn't have to be bleak, it could be a celebrated journey, kind of a "attend your own wake" scenario. 

>Tell them what you really think.

But, I think this would be a good reason to actually think about the preparations and what you want to say. When there is ambiguity on the final date, it is far easier to put off doing and saying certain things to those we care about. But, knowing the date is approaching, means being able to prepare and say what is in the heart to them now. 

Sure, this is probably what we should all do *all of the time,* but how many of us actually live by that standard - how many speak completely openly to the people they care about? I suspect just like penis size, 

>self reported doesn't align with the reality of officially measured.

*Speaking about size.*

It does seem that there will still be a headache with this treatment as it is happening now, but it will hopefully be smaller and not as long. See?

>Size does matter.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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