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It is Autumn School break week and *as expected,* Smallsteps has gotten ill, just after midnight, to start the holidays. It is par for the course. The "real unexpected" would be if she was healthy for a holiday. It is rare. 

This has thrown a few spanners into the works, as while my wife had taken today and Friday off, and myself Thursday and Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday were going to be spent with grandparents. But, she can't go there when she is ill. So, I will take a sick day for part of tomorrow (one of the benefits of Finland is they can be for sick kids), and possibly on Wednesday too, depending on how her recovery goes. Kids tend to get over a flu pretty quickly, whilst they pass it on to everyone else. 


![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23yJZSUrvA8Y8PTz3mzz7ownK6dPycq7GACqhNEzcgBgUnT6S5tt2L8LUUHnvufdE6Yht.png)

After getting about three hours sleep in total last night though, I am a little worn out, but not doing *too badly* overall. So once I am back from the office, I might even head into the gym. 

As mentioned the other day, we have been organizing the office and part of that has been going through "important" papers. There was stuff that I have been lugging around for literally twenty years, because every time I had moved, instead of going through them, I would just move the box, the two boxes, the three boxes... However, there were some *treasures.* 

Related to going to the gym, my wife found a decade-old fitness checkup that we had done at a sports institute. Back in 2013, I weighed 79kg (174lb) kilos and now I weigh 92 (202lb). That is pretty extreme, especially since when I came to Finland in 2003, my weight was around 66kg (145lb). However, at that stage I was quite affected by a chronic stomach disorder. 

>Still...

"Weight" doesn't actually mean that much, but even though I am in relatively okay shape for my age (not fitness), I obviously could lose a few kilograms here and there. However, I also think that if I were to go down to 80, I would probably look pretty good, and *very likely,* feel much better. So, that is my goal now, and I will try to hit it in the next year or so - which means losing around a kilogram a month. 

Unfortunately, this isn't as simple as just diet and exercise, as I am on medications that also affect my weight, or my ability to lose weight. On top of that, I still have the "lack of motivation" problem caused from the stroke. People see motivation as a psychological process, but it seems there is also a physiological aspect to it too, and mine is *broken.* 

>It is like a switch has been flicked off and then hit with a hammer.

But, I have been forcing myself to power through regardless in respect to going to the gym and now I am going to have to power myself through my dietary changes, which has always been the hardest for me to manage. It isn't about dieting, it is about sustainable shifts in eating habits, but I have a mouth full of sweet teeth, and it seems they want to eat for two. 

I was talking to a colleague today about how ill-prepared our bodies and minds are for the lifestyles we now have available. The foods on offer, the entertainment options, the distractions, the change in work tasks and of course, having everything available all of the time. We aren't made to handle it, but it impacts on us on so many important ways. for most of us, the lifestyles we lead don't facilitate wellbeing and instead make it harder on us. 

My colleague was saying how he was the unhealthiest in his life a decade ago, and even though not in the best shape now, has improved a lot. He thinks this might be a "better2 way in some respects, as he gets the sense of improvement, whereas people who were healthier earlier, are feeling the loss. An interesting take perhaps. 

>I feel the loss.

I am heavier, weaker, less flexible, and slower than I was a decade ago - and I am unlikely to ever return to a point again where I am in as good condition. Even if that condition wasn't great, which was mostly due to illness. However, there are gains that can be made and I have already started seeing results in the couple months of pretty consistent gym sessions. While I don't think it will affect my motivation, I do think it has improved the way I feel about myself. 

A decade seems a long time, but it really isn't. Inversely, a kilogram to lose doesn't seem like much. However, gain a kilogram a year for ten years, and losing it becomes a much larger hurdle and takes a lot more work than it would have been to lose it when gained, and then maintaining body function. And, then there is the impact over a decade of increasingly poor physical condition. 

Now, this post makes it sound like I am in terrible condition, but that is not rally the case either. It is just that I am nowhere near my potential health if I put in a little effort. Don't worry though, I am not going to be posting daily photos of myself shirtless anytime soon - because I don't crave attention that badly. 

> No one would want to see that. *Not even my wife.*

The week ahead has been thrown into some disarray, yet as long as I don't get ill myself, it shouldn't be too bad, and I can catch up on the work I miss next week instead. But more importantly, I don't want to get ill, otherwise I can't go to the gym!

But....

The *expected unexpected* is still in play.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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