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> I'm valuable, if I'm competent

As part of our team development, we have all filled in a psychological assessment using the [Disc Profile]( https://www.discprofile.com/what-is-disc/) and I tested as a "DC" profile, which stands for *Dominance* (direct, firm) and *Conscientiousness* (analytical, reserved), with a very brief summary of the style as,

![IMG_20220824_074749.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23y8oV2K7dAHAPQ8pTNUy3gi5P6pHvFa45ALSnNGAuvbDefcfB76BmjW6NRb6YDTn4kFe.jpg)


> people with the DC style tend to be independent and logical, prioritizing efficiency and unafraid of challenge.

As said, that is pretty brief, but I am listening to a podcast and a lot of it resonates with me as true, including my skeptical nature, need for control, desire for mastery and comfort with discomfort and negative emotions. There are positives and negatives involved for each of these and the many more, as under some conditions a strength brings value, but under another, it becomes a weakness, a detractor, or a hurdle. 

For example, the opening quote taken from the podcast can be a motivator to achieve mastery, but it also implies that perceived incompetence is a fear. This means that starting something new, which is always a position of naivety and lack of skill, is a challenge. It is hard to master something you are unwilling to ever start and by extension, you miss 100% of the shots you never take.


*I have seen this playout in my life many times.*

And of course, there is the social aspect of this position too, where while I focus on my own skills, I also judge people (it is the human way) on theirs. This means that I devalue incompetence and most likely, become impatient with the process of gaining it, expecting unrealistic results from others, who might not be suited for that skill area. As a result, I have the tendency to go around people who are unable to meet my standards, or more importantly, who I perceive not to. 

>If it is a job worth doing… *Do it yourself.*

As someone who enables others to develop their skillsets and personal tools for better professional outcomes and wellbeing, I have recognized this in myself and actively try to combat it, but constant vigilance is needed. And, vigilance is something that moves on a spectrum, influenced by other factors and conditions, like our own health, stress level, or even if we are hungry. 

There are many influences that creep into our awareness, but there are millions of them that never become known, but still have an effect, and whatever we believe we know about ourselves, there is far more that influences that we will never know, never even feel. We might acknowledge something is "not right", but not understand why or where, often applying cause to the wrong location.

Which raises another "truth" for me, where they mention that my style tends to have a "should" mindset, which is a judgment made on the way things should be, a preference. Combined with all of the unknowns about our world, the way *things should be* is quite arrogant. Even though this is what many likely think about me, personally, I have tried to reframe my perspective in this area and rather than dictate should, I raise questions instead, which essentially puts my perspective out there, but opens it up to the floor for alternative positions. 

But, while applying judgement to situations involving others can be a problem, the other side of it is how it affects me as a person, as my judgement on the way things should be, also applies to myself, my skills, my behavior, my results - these become expectations applied to my own performance, which results in a lot of experienced failure, because meeting my own standards is actually more important than others meeting them, and as previously mentioned, my standards tend to be high. 

This can translate into a procrastination, as while I know I "should" do something, I also feel that I am going to fail to meet my expectations. And while I know failure is part of the process toward mastery, it is not something most of us enjoy the experience of. It becomes an expected future pain, and pain is to be avoided, with psychological pain easier to amplify the importance of, and this can spiral. And, I can end up admonishing myself (and potentially others) as "bad" in some way - a moral judgement. 

However, because I also have an analytical and "stubborn streak", I will more likely look to analyze through the discomfort and pain, at least in areas I am interested in, which also implies I will ignore those I am not, more pain avoidance. But, this stubbornness also applies to other aspects, like my standards, which means that I am far less willing to *happily* find compromises, as I see it as a lowering of the bar, potentially unnecessarily or due to other's incompetence. 

> Not very flattering?

But, true to my "style", I am comfortable with the negatives, that includes my own. And rather than internalizing it all and punishing myself, over the last years I have become far more open and conversational about my own shortcomings. This has allowed me to both "excuse" some of my behavior, but more importantly, explore it and get feedback upon it, ultimately leading to my own change development, whilst still being authentically me in the moment. This has been very difficult for me, as I am also (surprisingly to some), a very private person by nature - especially around my feelings, which generally have a negative valence. 

And, as someone who highly values emotional control, emotional drama and emotional manipulation are met with skepticism and seen as attention-seeking behavior, which it is. I generally dismiss it and devalue it, but in doing so too early, I don't necessarily recognize when the call for attention is valid, that the person *actually needs* support, even if they go about getting it in a way that does not engage me. However, for those I engage with often, it is pretty easy to recognize the pattern through the track record. Some people, are always needy and attention-seeking. 

> Sounds judgmental?

*Don't blame me, it is just the way I am.*

And I think a paragraph on this last line is where I will wrap this up, as while I might "be" this way, it doesn't mean that my behaviors are excusable, or not changeable. It might not be easy to shift our personal defaults, but *nothing is impossible.* So, through the exploration of personal strengths and weaknesses, I have the *opportunity* to identify, consider and correct behaviors I would like to change, or apply them more appropriately based on circumstances, to both improve my own outcomes, and those of others I interact with. 

It would be so much easier to just ignore them all. 

> Right?

*Time to embrace more of my incompetence.* 


Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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