SECRET N° 319 The Shell Wars 03 by vote-com

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hive-140084 · @vote-com · 2025-05-06T11:34:06+00:00

$0.83

SECRET N° 319 The Shell Wars 03

![](https://images.ecency.com/DQmd69kCnSqNzPWo24X3Yxm6qW7sV3KvLpSjPdeuqVFdbjz/image.png)

# Chapter 3: The Mercenary Weasels
(or "When It Stinks, It Doesn’t Think Straight.")

The sun hadn’t even risen yet, and already the Pestorius Brigade was making the ferns of the Stinking Woods tremble. With their cork helmets, slug-skin boots, and their battle tank (an old stump mounted on hedgehog wheels), they advanced slowly… but with such a dense, pestilent cloud that even the carnivorous mushrooms fled.

At the heart of this apocalyptic stench stood Pestorius, a giant weasel and supreme leader of the Odoriferous Mercenaries.

A CHEESY OFFER
Seated in his tent (woven from muskrat fur), Pestorius received a greasy-furred messenger with a suspicious accent: Romuald, the Diplomatic Rat.

Romuald, sprawled on a cushion of moldy moss, pulled out a small olive-root box and opened it with a slimy grin.

— "A cheese. Aged seven moons. Found in the Grey Rat Clan’s cellars. It’s... let’s say... explosive."

Pestorius blinked.

— "You’re trying to buy me off with... forest camembert?"

— "No. I’m hiring you. To sow chaos among the beavers. We need some good, old-fashioned mayhem. And you... are a master of nose-stinging disorder."

Pestorius sniffed the cheese. A single tear rolled from his left nostril.
A tear of pure bliss.
He nodded.

— "Deal. But I add one clause: I keep the rind."

A DELICATELY STINKY OPERATION
That very evening, Pestorius launched Operation Camembert Storm.

Target: The beavers’ nut warehouses, protected by intelligent dams, claw-coded locks, and three overworked otters.

Plan: Spread total confusion using fermented cheese bombs and a squad of ninja skunks trained in stealth… except, of course, olfactory stealth.

Result: Absolute success.

The beavers fled, screaming.
Local frogs started hallucinating.
A tree lost its leaves... in May.

But Pestorius, cackling, didn’t yet realize he had just trampled an ancient peace treaty signed with a golden acorn—and that his attack would be seen as a direct declaration of war by the Great Forest Council.

PANIC IN THE CLEARING
The next day, rumors exploded like an overripe hazelnut.

"The weasels attacked!"
"They stole 76 kilos of nuts and left a moldy brie as their calling card!"
"A BRIE?! THAT’S A PROVOCATION!"

In the Raisin Clearing, tempers flared:

The owls proposed a measured response (sending threatening letters in verse).
The rabbits suggested setting the whole forest on fire.
The beavers, in tears, just wanted their nuts back.

Meanwhile, a diplomatic crisis erupted between frogs and martens over a misunderstanding involving a tin of sardines.

A LETTER FOR CASTAGNOR
As chaos spread, an emergency raven found Castagnor and the Shell Brigade in the misty southern trails.

The general read the letter, furrowed his brow, then cursed:

— "THE WEASELS BETRAYED US! I KNEW IT! YOU CAN’T TRUST SOMEONE WHO SMELLS LIKE THE BOTTOM OF A HERD IN SUMMER!"

Pluminette, the schizophrenic magpie, shrieked from a branch:

— "They touched the nuts?! Now it’s personal."

— "What do we do?" asked Speedo, the giant snail, pulling out a ladle (he thought they were going on a picnic).

Castagnor drew his fossilized wooden sword.

— "We change course. We head straight for the weasel camp. And we’ll make them smell... the WIND OF THE CHESTNUT TREE."

The pyromaniac rabbit yelled:

— "CAN I BURN THE CAMP DOWN?!"

— "...Only after negotiations."

</div>

# Chapitre 3 : Les Putois Mercenaires
(ou "Quand ça pue, ça pense pas droit.")

Le soleil ne s’était même pas levé que la Brigade Pestorius faisait déjà frémir les fougères du Bois-qui-Pue. Avec leurs casques en liège, leurs bottes en peau de limace et leur char d’assaut (une vieille souche montée sur roues de hérisson), ils avançaient lentement… mais avec un nuage pestilentiel si dense qu’il faisait fuir les champignons carnivores.

Au cœur de ce parfum d’apocalypse : Pestorius, putois géant et chef suprême des Mercenaires Odoriférants.

UNE OFFRE FROMAGÈRE
Installé dans sa tente (faite de poils de ragondin tissés), Pestorius recevait un messager à poils gras et accent suspect : Romuald, le Rat Diplomate.

Romuald, affalé dans un coussin de mousse moisie, sortit un petit coffret en racine d’olivier et l’ouvrit avec un sourire gluant.

— "Un fromage. Vieilli sept lunes. Trouvé dans les caves du Clan du Rat Gris. Il est... disons... explosif."

Pestorius cligna des yeux.

— "Tu veux m’acheter avec du... camembert forestier ?"

— "Non. Je veux t’engager. Pour semer la zizanie chez les castors. On a besoin d’un bon chaos. Et tu es... un maître dans l’art du chaos qui pique le nez."

Pestorius renifla le fromage. Il en pleura de la narine gauche.
Une larme de bonheur pur.
Il hocha la tête.

— "Marché conclu. Mais j’ajoute une clause : je garde la croûte."

UNE OPÉRATION DÉLICATEMENT PUANTE
Le soir même, Pestorius lança l’Opération Camemberrage.

Cible : les entrepôts de noisettes castors, protégés par des barrages intelligents, des codes-griffes, et trois loutres en burn-out.

Plan : semer une confusion généralisée grâce à des bombes à fromage fermenté et une équipe de moufettes ninja entraînées à la discrétion… sauf olfactive.

Résultat : succès total.

Les castors s’enfuirent en hurlant.

Les grenouilles locales eurent des hallucinations.

Un arbre perdit ses feuilles... en mai.

Mais Pestorius, hilare, ne savait pas encore qu’il venait de piétiner un traité de paix ancestral signé avec une noisette dorée, et que son attaque serait perçue comme une déclaration de guerre directe au Grand Conseil de la Forêt.

PANIC À LA CLAIRIÈRE
Le lendemain, la rumeur explosa comme une noisette trop mûre.

"Les putois ont attaqué !"
"Ils ont volé 76 kilos de noisettes et laissé un brie moisi en guise de signature !"
"UN BRIE ! C’EST UNE PROVOCATION !"

Dans la Clairière des Raisins Secs, les esprits s’échauffèrent :

Les hiboux proposèrent une réponse mesurée (lancer des lettres de menace en vers).

Les lapins proposèrent d’enflammer tout le bois.

Les castors, en larmes, voulaient juste retrouver leurs noisettes.

Pendant ce temps, une crise diplomatique naissait entre grenouilles et fouines à cause d’un quiproquo sur une boîte de sardines.

UNE LETTRE POUR CASTAGNOR
Pendant que le chaos se propageait, un corbeau envoyé en urgence retrouva Castagnor et la Brigade de la Coquille dans les sentiers brumeux du sud.

Le général lut la lettre, fronça les sourcils, puis pesta :

— "LES PUTOIS ONT TRAHI ! JE LE SAVAIS ! ON NE PEUT PAS FAIRE CONFIANCE À QUELQU’UN QUI SENT LE FOND DE TROUPEAU EN ÉTÉ !"

Pluminette, la pie schizophrène, hurla depuis une branche :

— "Ils ont touché aux noisettes ?! Alors là, c’est personnel."

— "Qu’est-ce qu’on fait ?", demanda Speedo l’escargot géant en sortant une louche (il croyait qu’on partait en pique-nique).

Castagnor dégaina son glaive en bois fossilisé.

— "On change de route. On va droit au campement putois. Et on va leur faire sentir... le VENT DU CHÂTAIGNIER."

Le lapin pyromane cria :

— "JE PEUX METTRE LE CAMP EN FEU ?!"

— "...Seulement après les négociations."

</div>

---------------

Winners SECRET and ECU Tokens is
18 PARTICIPANTS
0.9 SECRET ALL
0.001 ECU ALL .

@itharagaian
@anonyvoter
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@xiannelee
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@anonyvoter · 2025-05-06T20:27:06+00:00

Thank you/Merci!
!LOLZ
!PIZZA
!BBH
!HUG

👍 vote-com

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@lolzbot · 2025-05-06T20:29:30+00:00

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