A friend of mine just sent me a leak of his new album. It’s sooo solid. The way he uses reverb and timing, the way the arrangement is complex despite being mostly based around acoustic guitar, and all the tiny nuances in his playing....he’s blown me away again.
When we met about 5 years ago, we were both in our late 20’s with a rough collection of songs and tiny bit of experience performing. Since then he’s put out 3 albums and become a hell of a producer who can do it all himself. His music keeps getting better as he learns how to produce. I, on the other hand, still just have a rough collection of songs (a slightly larger collection than 5 years ago, though not much larger) that I’ve been fiddling with, and I am still not much of a guitar player and I can’t do much of anything else. To be fair to myself, my ability to express myself has improved, I no longer feel as restricted as I once did and I’m much clearer about who I am, that’s not something I take lightly. But those songs are still just sitting there.
[image link](https://images.pexels.com/photos/355728/pexels-photo-355728.jpeg?dl&fit=crop&w=640&h=480)
When I listen to the album, I feel a complicated mix of emotions. Aside from feeling impressed and moved by the songs, I’m mostly just inspired to work harder. There is also a complicated feeling that is incredibly difficult to put into word. It may easily be mistaken as jealousy but I think it more resembles doubt. Did I mess up along the way. Or to keep it in the moment...am I messing up somehow, am I missing something?
I’ve told you all about my fear of fame, my dislike of the ego-centric and [self branding aspects of social media, and my desire to stay real](https://steemit.com/community/@whatamidoing/my-thoughts-on-self-branding-punk-rock-in-the-suburbs). I have also been extremely cautious about connecting too many of my opinions to my face. This is a common theme for me, this struggle of how much to share and how to share it in a way that doesn’t feel like I’m selling myself or getting off on the attention. I don’t even like having my picture taken.
I sometimes wonder if I’ve made things too difficult for myself and stifled my creative process through my hesitancy to allow a cohesive“image” to form around my work, hence the pineapple.
#### I’m also reminded of the album that convinced me to pick up a guitar.
I was just starting to explore the artistry of what could be considered “pop” music, by pop, I mean melodic songs that are not constricted to the typical guitar, bass, and drum setup of most bands that the punk of my junior high school days and the indie rock of high school had shared. Bjork had helped me to understand that good songwriting is not limited by genre.
And so I discovered the “Bjork of Japan” as she was lovingly referred to on the internet, Shiina Ringo. I can’t justify most of her recent releases, but the album, Karuki Zaamen Kuri no Hana hit me like no music ever had. It wasn’t at all what was being said, I couldn’t understand a word of it at first. It was the melody, the arrangement of instruments, and the power in her voice that, if we are being honest, changed the course of my life.
#### I speak of that album affectionately, but in truth, As much as I loved it, I also hated it.
I hated it because I felt that something so beautiful shouldn’t be allowed to exist. That’s how it felt anyway. What I eventually realized though, was that I was full of jealousy and a feeling of not being good enough. The music had somehow seen into the depths of my soul and pulled out what was there for display. It was elating to listen to, I felt goosebumps and shed countless tears listening to it, it brought me ecstasy, but it felt like torture too. Who was this woman and how could she express so well what I was feeling in a way that penetrated so deeply without even taking into account the words being said? Were we the same or were these feelings lying dormant in everyone, waiting to be summoned?
[In Mishma’s book “The Temple of the Golden Pavillon”, the monk destroys the temple because he believes it is too beautiful to exist, image link](https://images.pexels.com/photos/34146/pexels-photo.jpg?dl&fit=crop&w=640&h=426)
#### It may sounds unreasonable, but I felt violated every time I realized these melodies were coming out of someone’s else’s mouth and not my own.
I had always known that I was meant to share what was inside, that I could help others and find my own passion for being through expression, and I had suspected that music may be the means. I felt that these songs came dangerously close to who I was at the core, but I was too afraid and filled with insecurity and doubt to realized it. I wanted so badly to be able to express these feelings to others, it physically hurt. I was filled with jealousy and frustration when I listened to these songs, precisely because I loved them so much and did not have anything so beautiful to share myself.
I bought a guitar and started practicing, but the fear and doubt held me bad from putting my all into it. It took me almost ten years to build up the confidence to believe I could ever come close to expressing myself so well and my artistic output has been scrambled by insecurities that have slowed the healing of old wounds.
### I’m ok now.
This time, the artist is one of my best friend. I can’t say that the songs hit quite as hard as those songs did at that time but they are awesome and they do make me feel that there is something in there that I am also trying to express, and knowing him allows me to see this more clearly. I don’t feel jealous anymore and any frustration will be fueled into a drive to produce art that expresses that *something* as well as he has.
It’s nice to feel how much I’ve changed in 10 years, that I don’t feel jealous or insecure anymore, even though I am still struggling with some of the same issues, and I still haven’t created anything so timeless and powerful as I had hoped (yet). I’ve attracted such brilliant artists into my life, he is not the only one by any means, and that definetly means something.
### I can say with certainty that those years have not been wasted.
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