I hate to say it but for the most part of my life, I was a people pleaser. The first thing I would have said is, it wasn't my fault. I'd blame everyone else but me, but that's not me now. I've learnt that whatever you allow happen to you at the end of the day is still your fault no matter who else is to blame.

I was brought up in a very decent home, taught to be respectful to everyone and made to feel older people were wiser than I am. There was no real sense of individuality even when I struggled to have one. The end-game was to always remember whose child I was, uphold the family name and not be like others whose families looked shitty on the outside.

In my teenage years, I was so conflicted, wanted to be my own person but it was hard. Like I said, I always had to remember where I come from, in other words, live a life that pleases my parents. I basically was the good kid with the good girl rep, the one to be gloated over in public but I absolutely hated it. 

It felt like being a zoo monkey, 'smile and wave girl'. It's sad that most of my smiles as a kid were forced. There was an awful amount of forced interactions I had to endure all because I was a good kid. This carried on until even my adult years. 


It was always about people and not me, always about what they thought of me and not what I thought of myself. Here I was, taught to please my parents every time, to be in right standing with society and basically centering my life around other people. This can be draining and very problematic because most times, people experiencing this don't realize what the problem is.

At this point, it takes quite a lot of introspection to figure out you should be the star in your own movie and not anyone else. There's a lot of unlearning and learning to do to reach a state of self-awareness. Like learning that you can be the shitty person in someone else's story and you just need to accept it. 

Society, especially the one I live in, acts like everyone needs to get it right or be a certain way. Public opinion might never change but you should. I wish I was defiant a long time ago, now it looks like this is a whole new me that sprung out of nowhere. 

Being a people pleaser affected me in more ways than I knew and it wasn't even in the big things. A lot of stuff flew right over my head and only dawned on me long after they occurred. I always had a lot of 'oh shit' moments where I realized I was being a pushover because I'm a people pleaser unbeknownst to me.

![image.png](https://images.hive.blog/DQmRHxv3VcuEpL7VREAcqmnWDs5HMvmf38dMdJQB3LDuun1/image.png)
[pexels](https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-with-white-and-red-face-paint-3807702/)

Now, I don't mind if I'm not good enough in society's eyes. My mother tags me stubborn now because I'm no longer a 'yes man'. What's important to me now is that I'm happy with my decisions. I feel like I'm living the best life I can afford to live currently and it makes me happy. I was taught to tread carefully to be in everyone's good books but that has bitten me in the ass way more than I can remember. Now I'm taking this walk through life and living it for me.



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