Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under;
so let it lay with Caesar.  The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, --
for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
Symptom:		Floor swaying.
Fault:			Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
			game in progress.
Action Required:	Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom:		Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
			and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
Fault:			You have fallen forward.
Action Required:	See above.

Symptom:		Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
			flourescent light strips.
Fault:			You have fallen over backward.
Action Required:	If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
			drinking arm, stay put.  If not, get someone to help
			you get up, lash yourself to bar.
		-- Bar Troubleshooting
Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
And to him who's scientific
There is nothing that's terrific
In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
		-- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"