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parent_permlink | hive-110372 |
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author | audiarmisg |
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permlink | el-peso-que-dejo-or-the-weight-i-leave-and-the-guilt-i-feel-espeng |
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title | "EL PESO QUE DEJO...😢😢😢 | The weight I leave and the guilt I feel [ESP/ENG]" |
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body | "
![el peso que dejo.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/23viREeAWqdUQXRSTZrSUuVU5HxcaSTCXjAUdMyxaUsUXhCgDmrTDKHqNce3YtM4e2y7b.png)
<div class="text-justify">Hola amigos, espero que se encuentren muy bien, hoy quiero compartirles reflexión,que me ha desbordado estos días. Mi idea de reflexión se vio impedida por una serie de sentimientos que había lapidado y afloraron escribiendo. Inicialmente, quería titular esta catarsis como: “Compañía forzada”. Pero mis manos, mis emociones decidieron otro rumbo y el resultado fue el siguiente título:</div>
# EL PESO QUE DEJO Y LA CULPA QUE SIENTO
<div class="text-justify">Quienes han leído y han visto mi blog, les he compartido la batalla a nivel de salud que estoy enfrentando desde que comenzó el año. Pero para quienes no lo sepan, les daré un resumen: padezco anemia falciforme desde que nací. Y ahora me descubrieron una necrosis a nivel de la cabeza del fémur de la pierna izquierda por lo que me prohibieron caminar y hacer esfuerzos físicos que puedan provocar la fractura.
Cuando me dieron el diagnóstico sentí miedo, se lo compartí a una amiga. Pero mi miedo más allá de las limitaciones, siempre se ha basado en los demás. Miedo a la reacción de la gente que tengo a mi alrededor. No me equivoqué. Inmediatamente todos hablaban conmigo: “no hagas esto, no hagas lo otro, te ayudaré con esto, avísame”.
Y aunque lo hacen por mi bien, siempre he dicho que prefiero ser feliz en vez de una “frustrada viva”. A mi novio, principalmente le ha caído este balde pesado, quiere ocuparse de todo, pero al mismo tiempo de trabajar, eso es sumamente difícil. Y es lo que intento explicarles a todos.
Muchas veces nos recomiendan cosas que no podemos cumplir, sobretodo en el tema de salud. A mí me recomiendan: “una vida tranquila y fuera de estrés”. Pero soy una persona ansiosa, tengo deudas, vivo en un país en el que todo tiene que ser “al toque” (o sea, rápido). Y por más sano que coma, que ya no esté haciendo esfuerzo en la calle, comprando, ni limpiando o lavando, no estoy tranquila. No puedo estarlo cuando veo el peso que dejo en los demás.</div>
![@audiarmisg (4).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/EocCHH3CQqrdqa4chYW4Vd2bmM8Ge7V15UFJm9RBDiTNF513vwNGd35KbyLwYwkypps.gif)
### No sé si lo he dicho antes, pero a mí me marcó muchísimo la siguiente historia:
<div class="text-justify">Tenía unos 15 años o más no recuerdo bien, pero ya iba sola a consulta sin mi mamá, y en una de las ocasionales consultas de hematología en Cumaná, a mi lado estaba una señora mayor. Empezamos a hablar y me dijo que tenía la misma enfermedad que yo. Estaba súper emocionada, tantas preguntas… era la primera vez que conocía a alguien mayor con mi anemia, sentí esperanza. Pero cuando le pregunté: ¿Por qué estaba en consulta? Su respuesta fue un látigo para mi corazón, se me hacía chiquitito y solo quería llorar:</div>
---
![el peso que dejo.gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/23wgioAZgA5FRXUBMfJcYEt4ir1P8s3CT6Y9ukazsqqn55X2wYmPJjGs15Xte1uCcMa74.gif)
---
Debí quedarme callada, pero siguió contándome su historia, y esta fue la peor parte: “me fui de mi casa cuando era una adolescente porque no soportaba ser una cruz para mi madre”.
![el peso que dejo (1).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/23u6UdJLYt34RgrzFEyoP8XLoHRRv8cV8coW7nyJLfY3QFmhZJvmRcV5XMj1uqr2L78G4.gif)
<div class="text-justify">Desde entonces fui consciente del peso que dejaba en los demás. Recuerdo haber tenido una crisis existencial durante años por esa conversación, que hasta el sol de hoy sigue invadiéndome el pensamiento. “Soy una carga” repite mi mente.
![el peso que dejo (2).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/23sxovcBjAYPHnWdLWuhehEW93EDTq869sBwcYHYVFQgVkHEb1o9rUrQgnXp4A87aQgTq.gif)
He hablado con tantas personas que me dicen lo contrario: “la gente te quiere, haría lo que fuera por ti, siempre te ayudaré, a mí no me pesa.”
![@audiarmisg (4).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/EocCHH3CQqrdqa4chYW4Vd2bmM8Ge7V15UFJm9RBDiTNF513vwNGd35KbyLwYwkypps.gif)
Pero sé que cuando aparece un dolor, o cuando recaigo, no se ajusta al horario de nadie, ni respeta el lugar. Simplemente ocurre, entonces los veo buscando razones de porqué sucedió, buscando hacer tiempo y espacio para ayudarme, es HORRIBLE.
Normalmente siempre espero, espero atenderme yo misma, espero que el dolor pase, o manejarlo yo sola. Pero no puedo. Recuperarme es todo un desafío, porque el analgésico calma el dolor. Sin embargo, el sentimiento de culpa no me abandona durante meses, por eso siento el peso y los ojos de los demás encima de mí, viendo que cumpla TODO.
Ya he abandonado la culpa ¿saben? No me culpo tanto por lo que me dio o me pasó. Pero no logro dejar la culpa sobre el peso que le dejo a los demás. Porque básicamente, es como si quisieran que yo fuese una momia estática, en el mínimo movimiento que haga puede salir todo mal. Entonces si yo abandono la culpa ¿por qué ellos, aun en silencio, no lo hacen?
![el peso que dejo (3).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/23sxovcBjAYPHnWNnHV1RUsU6eaeagwTaGv5Q8BtbFZYw5MJT43hg4F1twicxpZD3z95f.gif)
La gente me pide aceptar mi enfermedad, hacer las paces con ella, pero ellos no lo aceptan. Lo sé, también les duele verme mal. Puedo estar bien hoy, pero el mañana es incierto como a todos, aunque en mi caso es dolorosamente literal.
A veces siento que estar en cama me enferma mucho más. Ahora es peor, porque con una necrosis no debo inventar. Así que estoy haciendo espacio en mi corazón para aceptar todo el porvenir, viendo de qué manera lo afronto y darle esa sonrisita a los demás de “estoy bien”. Pero lo cierto es que me siento una carga PESADÍSIMA, que solo quisiera enviar a un lugar lejano.
Wow, esto sí que es desahogarse, comencé por escribir algo más, con otro título. Pero mis manos comenzaron a escribir en automático mientras las lágrimas saltaban de mí. Necesitaba soltarlo. Yo soy de las que piensa por los demás, evito compartir estas cosas porque siento que la gente “sentirá lástima por mí” o pensarán que “soy demasiado negativa con mi realidad”. Y lo cierto es que yo soy “los demás” y no lo acepto. </div>
***Si llegaste hasta acá, te lo agradezco. Déjame saber en los comentarios lo que piensas de lo que digo.***
![@audiarmisg (4).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/EocCHH3CQqrdqa4chYW4Vd2bmM8Ge7V15UFJm9RBDiTNF513vwNGd35KbyLwYwkypps.gif)
# <div class="phishy"> IN ENGLISH </div>
<div class="text-justify">Hello friends, I hope you are very well, today I want to share with you a reflection, which has overwhelmed me these days. My idea of reflection was impeded by a series of feelings that I had stoned and surfaced writing. Initially, I wanted to title this catharsis as: "Forced Company". But my hands, my emotions decided another course and the result was the following title:</div>
![el peso que dejo (4).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/23tw5xvm399p7svdW2cNaHoKntSCZtzamNB6zVokZt9uY5GcNYbt7k9jBgTHUTWsdA8mR.gif)
<div class="text-justify">Those who have read and seen my blog, I have shared with you the health battle I am facing since the beginning of the year. But for those who do not know, I will give you a summary: I suffer from sickle cell anemia since I was born, and now they discovered a necrosis at the level of the head of the femur of the left leg so I was forbidden to walk and do physical efforts that can cause the fracture.
When I was given the diagnosis I was afraid, I shared it with a friend. But my fear beyond the limitations, has always been based on others. Fear of the reaction of the people around me. I was not wrong. Immediately everyone would talk to me, "don't do this, don't do that, I'll help you with this, let me know."
And even though they do it for my sake, I've always said I'd rather be happy than a "frustrated alive". My boyfriend, mainly this heavy bucket has fallen on him, he wants to take care of everything, but at the same time to work, that is extremely difficult. And that's what I try to explain to everyone.
Many times they recommend things that we can't do, especially when it comes to health. They recommend me: "a calm and stress-free life". But I am an anxious person, I have debts, I live in a country where everything has to be "at the touch" (that is, fast). And no matter how healthy I eat, no matter that I am no longer exerting myself on the street, shopping, cleaning or washing, I am not at peace. I can't be when I see the weight I leave on others.</div>
![@audiarmisg (4).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/EocCHH3CQqrdqa4chYW4Vd2bmM8Ge7V15UFJm9RBDiTNF513vwNGd35KbyLwYwkypps.gif)
### I don't know if I've said it before, but I was very touched by the following story:
<div class="text-justify">I was about 15 years old or older, I don't remember well, but I was already going alone to the doctor's office without my mother, and in one of the occasional hematology consultations in Cumaná, next to me there was an older lady. Empezamos a hablar y me dijo que tenía la misma enfermedad que yo. Estaba súper emocionada, tantas preguntas… era la primera vez que conocía a alguien mayor con mi anemia, sentí esperanza. Pero cuando le pregunté: ¿Por qué estaba en consulta? Her answer was a whip for my heart, it was getting tiny and I just wanted to cry:</div>
---
![el peso que dejo (5).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/23wr85dAfKEo5SJdBKRk4LsR6Vnok8fp8xh2J9bmrNoHBTvSwzQxUyDmci4AtJbgAqV4f.gif)
---
I should have kept quiet, but she continued to tell me her story, and this was the worst part: "I left home when I was a teenager because I couldn't bear to be a cross to my mother".
---
![el peso que dejo (6).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/23tw5xvm36CYYF4kviLhfwdk5k6iovNJU79A5bkdFZZDPStK4bVDS7LcdCxBs7sgKDDf5.gif)
---
From then on I became aware of the weight I was leaving on others. I remember having an existential crisis for years because of that conversation, which to this day still invades my thoughts. "I am a burden" repeats my mind.
![el peso que dejo (7).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/23sxovcBjAYPHnWdKDApoxc1ZQX94vBJriPrNwB77pwpWL2P94obNqSpwapvJENfUPu7Q.gif)
<div class="text-justify">I've talked to so many people who tell me the opposite: "people love you, I'd do anything for you, I'll always help you, it doesn't weigh on me."
But I know that when a pain comes up, or when I relapse, it doesn't fit anyone's schedule, or respect the place. It just happens, then I see them looking for reasons why it happened, looking to make time and space to help me, it's HORRIBLE.
I usually always wait, hope to take care of myself, hope the pain will pass, or handle it on my own. But I can't. Recovering is a challenge, because the painkiller dulls the pain. However, the guilt doesn't leave me for months, so I feel the weight and eyes of others on me, watching me do EVERYTHING.
I have already abandoned the guilt, you know? I don't blame myself so much for what I got or what happened to me. But I can't let go of the guilt over the weight that I leave on others. Because basically, it's like they want me to be a static mummy, the slightest move I make can go all wrong. So if I let go of the guilt, why don't they, even silently, do it?
![el peso que dejo (8).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/23sxovcBjAYPHnWNnHV1RUsU6eaeagwTaGv5Q8BtbFZYw5MHCTF5vuQpd91bZ6YL1DCS2.gif)
People ask me to accept my illness, to make peace with it, but they don't accept it. I know, it hurts them to see me sick too. I may be fine today, but tomorrow is uncertain as it is for everyone, although in my case it is painfully literal.
Sometimes I feel that being in bed makes me much sicker. Now it's worse, because with necrosis I must not make it up. So I am making space in my heart to accept the whole future, seeing how I cope and give that little smile to others of "I'm fine". But the truth is that I feel like a HEAVY burden, that I would just like to send to a faraway place.
Wow, this is really venting, I started to write something else, with another title. But my hands started writing on automatic as the tears jumped out of me. I needed to let it out. I'm one to think for others, I avoid sharing these things because I feel people will "feel sorry for me" or think "I'm too negative with my reality". And the truth is, I am "others" and I don't accept it.</div>
***If you made it this far, I appreciate it. Let me know in the comments what you think of what I say.***
![@audiarmisg (4).gif](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/audiarmisg/EocCHH3CQqrdqa4chYW4Vd2bmM8Ge7V15UFJm9RBDiTNF513vwNGd35KbyLwYwkypps.gif)
<center>**Text: <div class="phishy"> @audiarmisg</div>
Cover, gifs, separator: <div class="phishy">Canva.com</div>
Translated: <div class="phishy">Deepl.com</div>**</center>
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body | "@dubble<sub>(1/10)</sub> gave you LUV. <a href="https://peakd.com/@luvshares/about" style="text-decoration:none"><img src="https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/crrdlx/AKU7oyCXxGwYyudB42kJ7JtoZ63bdeHvm4icoT9xdGNxA4i4BwudGyPvTQrEwPd.gif"></a> <a
href="https://crrdlx.websavvy.work/" style="text-decoration:none">H-E tools</a> | <a href="https://tribaldex.com/wallet">my wallet</a> | <a
href="https://discord.gg/K5GvNhcPqR" style="text-decoration:none">discord</a> | <a href="https://peakd.com/c/hive-159259">community | <a href="https://ichthys.netlify.app" style="text-decoration:none"><><</a>
<br><center><a href="https://peakd.com/nftforpeace/@hivebuzz/nft-for-peace" target="_blank"><img src="https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/luvshares/242henrWsje7ivLwY3jxy15af3LJqvUzEmrEKAViGAowE1XsPqkDUuQ6QnwYpVJUWKN7c.gif"></a><br><a href="https://peakd.com/nftforpeace/@hivebuzz/nft-for-peace" target="_blank">HiveBuzz.me NFT for Peace</a></center>" |
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1. | parent_author | famegirl |
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parent_permlink | how-to-freeze-cherries-for-the-winter-season |
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author | hivebuzz |
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permlink | txt-famegirl-20220707t001757 |
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title | "" |
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body | "Dear @famegirl, we need your help!<br><br>The Hivebuzz proposal already got important support from the community. However, it lost its funding a few days ago when the HBD stabilizer proposal rose above it.<br><br>May we ask you to support it so our team can continue its work?<br>You can do it on [Peakd](https://peakd.com/me/proposals/199), [Ecency](https://ecency.com/proposals/199), [Hive.blog](https://wallet.hive.blog/proposals) or [using HiveSigner](https://hivesigner.com/sign/update_proposal_votes?proposal_ids=%5B%22199%22%5D&approve=true).<br>https://peakd.com/me/proposals/199<br><br>All votes are helpful and yours will be much appreciated.<br> Thank you!" |
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transaction_id | 41d6cf0f530f4525d64f5bc143bce33b064394c3 |
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transaction_num | 57 |
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