Hi futuremind,
Thanks for being there in times of need. I offer the same to you, although my internet is very bad and slow.
You can always email me (username+gmail.com).

My body is literally broken. Neck, back, hips, nerve trouble. I live covered by pain caused by my past.

By periods I am depressed but I go on. There is still a lot to care about, kids and animals who are my responsibility.

I think being alone is a good thing to have time to find out how or what, who you really are, how to place what happened (although I already did this as a kid).

I do not feel sorry for my abusive mother and father who joined and later on walked out of it.
Actually I have no feelings for her at all. No love, no hate. I feel sorry for all those people she harmed, put in danger.

I never thought it all was my fault, my father left because of me or whatsoever. Already as a little kid I saw what was going on and I did not fit into this family (mainly cowards so were the aunts, uncles and grandparents).

Lucky you, you have a cabin in the woods. Nature is the best place to be.

I do not believe every abused person will grow into an abuser. I know plenty who did not, neither did I. 
It all has to do with character but also what you take for an example for your life.
My biggest fear was and still is to be a copy of my mother. One moment she freaked out, dragged me out of bed in the middle of the nightwith a dog chain, next moment she was crying hysterical at the floor or was stamping her feet like a spoiled 3 year old... She loved to blame others for her misery and enjoyed making the lives of others even more miserable ... you could see it at her face.
She was already nuts long before and a spoiled little rich girl ready to kill her baby sister. Her father knew it. I am sure about that.
I never felt sorry for her and did not want her to touch me ever.

Sometimes is what you see or used to normal behaviour. Kids copy behaviour. How to handle sadnest, lost, pain, anger... so if the abuser shows it is normal behaviour to strangle someone, lock up naked in the basement, rape... it can be the abused will respond during these stress situations in the same way.

Still there are plenty of rapers, molesters, abusers who never suffered of any trauma and still behave this way... even are serial killers.
So how come? It is not the trauma but their (lack of) character, self esteem or... that turns them into a monster.
But again... how come I do not have a lack of selfesteem? Nobody ever hold me, comfort me or encouraged me. My parents did not care. Still I was able to see my home situation was different, not normal, even though I was not allowed to watch TV, play with other kids, invite someone at our place, etc.

I think the only way to live with traumas is to be aware of the fact it happened to you. Denying is the last thing you should do. If you like it or not it is a part of you, your personality.

I know I have periods I feel depressed, but still I do not use my past as an excuus for it. To be honest I believe it is genetic, I already had it as a little kid and it gets worse the older I get.
So I try to keep myself busy and go on. I still can do so without meds or drugs or... I live a simple life with certain rules that works out best for me.
Being single works te best for me. I do not want to invest in a partner's worries and problems or needs. I want to invest in me since that is what I need most. I also do not want to say 'sorry' for who I am/became/explain/ask for understanding... I do not see the need to do so.

In the end I think I am who I am and stay that way. If time passes by some hurt will get less or change but it will always be there. There is no cure of the past or abusement. It is what made you who you are and there is a very good reason why it should **not** be forgotten. Warnings never should and it should be seen like that, a warning, a lesson!
I wish you a peaceful Sunday.

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