> imagining oneself being dead - what does that look like?

This used to keep me up at night a lot when I was a kid. I hated not knowing!

> We want to survive for others. 

So true mate! I am an absolute mess when I am living by myself. Lack of motivation to do much of anything: cook, clean, wash, sleep. The last time my partner left me, I was staying up late at night doing nonsense while letting the dishes stack up and eating very little food because I could barely be bothered to make it.

I hate living alone, and in my while life, I've only ever lived in a leased apartment solo for about 4 months. It was awful. At least when I was living out of my car by myself, there was some adventure to camping out and the need to take care of myself in these random situations. Plus I was still making plenty of house calls through internet dating, so I was less alone than during my apartment lease. You are right, I am more motivated to do for others than I am to do for myself!